Weekday Post #64: Star Wars goons Attempt to Regain Control of Lost

Ever since this blog started, Star Wars has been losing cultural relevance and the Star Wars goons are beginning to panic about it. A few weeks ago, this blog successfully convinced Lost creator J.J. Abrams that he should stop using his show to promote Star Wars and turn his talents to more worthwhile endeavors. It took some convincing, but Mr. Abrams soon forsook the Star Wars militia and agreed to direct the eleventh film in the majestic Star Trek film series.

This was a crippling blow to the Star Wars militia.

I suppose it was inevitable that a Star Wars goon would try to reclaim Lost as a champion of the Star Wars cause. It’s a popular show (thanks to me terminating this club’s boycott of it) and the Star Wars goons want nothing more than to believe it is helping convert innocent people into Star Wars goons. Perhaps that’s why a desperate Star Wars goon posted a long-winded and ridiculous theory to a Lost message board suggesting that Lost was still promoting Star Wars.

I could not help but laugh as I read that he believed that the Lost island was symbolic of a swamp planet in Star Wars or that Walt was symbolic of Han Solo’s pathetic spaceship. He also compares the Lost character Michael to Star Wars’s Lando Calrissian for a host of implausible reasons (my guess is that he thinks they are the same since they are both black men who have big roles but not quite leading roles in their respective shows.)

I was just about ready to type in a response to the deplorable Star Wars goon, but I happily discovered that someone beat me to it. Someone named tokyowars absolutely smacked that theory down by saying, “Frankly I don’t see the comparisons [between Star Wars and Lost and you need to shut the hell up!]” Not only that, but he also told the writer to visit this blog to learn the truth about Star Wars and Lost. “I think I might know a blog you might [learn from]. It’s called the I Hate Star Wars Club.” He also posts a link leading directly to one of my posts about Lost and Star Wars so that the feeble-minded Star Wars goon would be sure to see it.

Who is this heretofore-unknown tokyowars? He’s obviously a friend to the club, yet I’ve never encountered him before. A little research into the matter revealed that tokyowars is actually, long-time I Hate Star Wars Club member, Tam. I hadn’t heard from Tam in weeks, so I assumed that Star Wars goons had discovered his identity and killed him. I can’t tell you how thankful I was to discover that he is still alive and helping the club’s work under a clever alias. Thank you for your help, Tam… I mean tokyowars. (Wink wink!)

To those Lost fans who may just be discovering this blog for the first time thanks to tokyowars’s post, I hope you’ll feel welcome and that you’ll make this site your homepage. We are kindred spirits. Whether we watch Lost or Star Trek, we are all united in out hatred for Star Wars.

P.S. I just finished Lost season one on DVD. What is at the bottom of the hatch? My theory is that it’s a Polar Bear Habitat Biodome. By opening it and letting all the hot tropical air in, Locke just pissed off a whole bunch of arctic killers.

Weekday Post #63: Playground Joke for the Kidz pt 4

Hey Kidz! It’s Uncle William Shatner’s #1 Fan. Sometimes, when you are in school, you will meet a little boy or girl who foolishly likes Star Wars. They may even tell you that you should watch Star Wars too. Don’t do it kidz! If friends tell you to watch Star Wars, pretend that they are telling you to smoke a marijuana cigarette. Just say no!

If your friends keep telling you to watch Star Wars, you may get very angry and feel like hitting them right in their big ugly nose. Don’t do that either! Fighting is even worse than smoking marijuana cigarettes. The best way to confound Star Wars goons, especially when they are stupid kidz, is to tell them a hilarious joke that they won’t have a prayer of understanding until they stop rotting their brains with Star Wars. I recommend this one:

How many Star Wars goons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None! Cause they’re always in the dark!

Weekday Post #62: Sacrilegious, Heretical, Blasphemous, Profane, Impious, and Heterodox!

My so-called mother, even though she doesn’t deem me worthy to live with her anymore, invited me over for dinner last night. She made stuffed cabbage, which is my favorite meal and I though that perhaps her kind actions might be the first steps to earning my forgiveness. Little did I know she was simply inviting me over to flaunt her newly embraced Star Wars goon lifestyle.

After supper, my mom, my sister, and I all went into the living room for one of her “family talks.” I immediately noticed a change on her entertainment center. Right there in plain view of anyone who happened to wander into the house, was this horrid scene!

I couldn’t speak. My face flushed with blood and my knuckles whitened as my fingers folded into fists. Without even glancing to see what I was looking at my mom said, “Don’t even start with me about Star Wars. I’m done hiding those movies.”

Without distracting my gaze from the anarchic scene before me I said, “Done hiding them? How long have you been hiding them? How long were they in this house? Did you have them here when I lived here?”

“I’ve had them for years in a box under my bed. They’re good movies, I like them, and I am not going to hide them anymore.” She invited me to sit down and said, “I don’t care what we talk about, so long as we don’t talk about Star Wars.”

I marched up the entertainment center and began to remove the Star Trek films. My mom yelled at me to stop but I shouted back, “Never let these films share the same self again! You want to watch Star Wars? That’s your business! But I won’t allow for these movies to even be in the same apartment as Star Wars!”

My sister yelled, “Don’t you dare yell at mom! She can put her [expletive] movies wherever the [expletive] she wants!”

I turned to her. “You too? I suppose you let your daughter watch Star Wars, just like our so-called brother lets his sons watch it.”

“She’s seen them all, yes. She doesn’t even know the difference between them.”

I threw the Star Trek VHS tapes on the floor and said, “Fine. You people do what you want. Stack the movies on top of each other for all I care. In a few months time, the I Hate Star Wars Club will eliminate all trace of Star Wars from the world and Star Wars goons like you will crawl to me pleading for my forgiveness. I will remember your actions of this day when it is time to judge the wicked.”

My sister said I was insane as I walked out the front door.

Weekend Post #26: Girls Night Out pt 2

7 of 9 shook her head as she glared at Padme Skywaler who was standing half a block down the street. “Absolutely not. We are not taking a Star Wars goon with us.”

Uhura lowered her voice so that Padme couldn’t hear and whispered, “I think there’s hope for her. She needs our help.”

Janeway said, “I agree with 7 of 9. She’s not coming. It’s not our job to help her. Besides, you can’t help a Star Wars goon; her husband has been beaten up by tribbles at least a dozen times and he still hasn’t learned his lesson.”

“It’s not her fault that she’s a Star Wars goon,” Uhura said, “She just got stuck in a stupid relationship with Anakin Skywalker and now she wants out. Haven’t we all had boyfriends that we regretted? Janeway, I know that you made out with a ferengi once, this is the same thing!”

7 of 9 said, “Don’t try to defend her. You can’t change a Star Wars goon. It can’t be done.”

Uhura hissed, “You used to be part of the Borg Collective. You should be the last person in the galaxy to claim that people can’t change.”

“This is stupid,” said Janeway as she checked her watch. “The first dancer takes the stage in two minutes and we’re standing in an alley arguing about Star Wars goons. Uhura, you can hang out with Padme if you want, but 7 of 9 and I are going to the club. Let’s go, 7.”

Uhura laughed. “I’m the designated driver. If Padme and I don’t come, that means that one of you won’t be able to drink tonight.”

Janeway uttered an expletive.

7 of 9 rolled her eyes and said, “All right fine. Maybe if I get totally hammered I won’t mind the company.”

Janeway sighed and yelled down the alley, “Padme, let’s roll. We’ve already missed the preshow!”

The three women heard Padme exclaim, “YES!” as she ran down the alley to meet them. She threw her arms Uhura and said, “Thank you so much! I knew you could convince them.” She turned to Janeway and 7 of 9 and added, “You don’t know what this means to me. Thank you so much!”

“Whatever,” grumbled 7 of 9, “Let’s get this over with.”

The four women hurried down the alley until they got to an unmarked metal door. Uhura tapped on it and a voice crackled through a small intercom panel. “Thank you for visiting A1 Holodeck Installation and Servicing. Our offices are currently closed. If you’d like to leave a message for our administrative office, please speak after the tone.”

Padme looked confused. “Why are we coming here? Is this the right place? I thought we were going to a dance or something.”

“Would you please shut up,” Janeway said. She turned to the intercom and said, “It’s okay, it’s me.”

The voice continued. “If you know your parties extension and wish to leave a message, please say their name and password to unlock their mailbox.”

7 of 9 glanced at Padme. “Are you sure she’s cool? Maybe you should move her out of earshot.”

Uhura nodded. “She’s cool. I’m sure of it.”

7 of 9 glared at Padme for another moment before saying an expletive. She turned to the intercom and said, “Mailbox ID is Bones McCoy. Password is I’m a doctor not a Chippendale dancer.”

The door opened and a burly Klingon bouncer stepped out to examine the women. “I see the Borg has returned.” He put a finger in 7 of 9’s face and said, “If you try to assimilate with a dancer again tonight, you’re banned forever.”

7 of 9 laughed sheepishly and said, “I was just trying to form a collective with his tight ass.” Her joke didn’t lighten the Klingon’s mood.

He growled, “It’s hard enough for a Vulcan dancer to make tips as it is and Borg hardware covering half of his left butt cheek doesn’t help.” The Klingon noticed Padme for the first time as she blushed at the conversation. “Who’s this one? She’s never been here before.”

“She’s with us,” said Uhura.

The Klingon stepped close to Padme and sniffed. “She has the stink of Star Wars on her. First you bring a Borg into the club and now you’re trying to sneak a Star Wars goon in? Forget it, the club is closed to all of you.”

Padme’s eyes filled with tears. “I ruined it for all of you! I am a Star Wars goon!”

The Klingon stepped into the door and started to close it. Uhura grabbed Janeway’s arm. “Tell him that she’s with us! We vouch for her!”

The Klingon kept the door open a crack. “Is this true, Janeway? Are you putting a Star Wars goon on your guest list?”

“Yeah. She’s with us.” As Padme gasped in joyous surprise, Janeway looked at Uhura and added, “You’re on designated driver detail for the next month.”

The Klingon nodded, opened the door, and said, “It’s your call. Come on in.” As Padme passed him he whispered, “You cause one problem tonight and you’ll wish for a tribble to take you out of your misery.”

“Only my husband gets beat up by tribbles.”

As they descended a dimly lit stairwell, Uhura patted Padme’s back. “I’m proud of you. It was a little rough back there, but you never ran away. I don’t think you’re a Star Wars goon at all.”

Padme started to reply, but she was interrupted by the deafening techno music that suddenly blasted through the stairwell as Janeway opened the door at the bottom.

Padme paused on the third step and gazed into the open door. She had never seen so many flashing lights or heard such rhythmic music. Nor had she ever seen such an enormous crowd of women behaving in such a wild manner. They were all cheering, laughing, and drinking. The only man visible was standing on the stage in a tuxedo. He held a small microphone but Padme couldn’t make out what he was saying over the techno music.

Uhura put her arm around Padme’s shoulder. “Are you ready to party? Let’s go!”

To be continued…

Weekend Post #25: A Warning for all Club Members: The Picard Blog is a Fake

Attention I Hate Star Club members! I have recently discovered a blog that claims to be written by Captain Jean Luke Picard of the USS Enterprise. When I first heard of the blog, I figured it was nothing more than harmless fan fiction written from a first person perspective. However, after reading two or three sentences I began to detect an aura of Star Wars goonery. Further reading confirmed that suspicion. The Jean Luke Picard blog is nothing more than a front for a Star Wars goon attempt to discredit the Star Trek franchise.

Don’t believe me? Take a look at this example in which Captain Picard and Commander Riker discuss a potential change in Riker’s assignment. The scene takes place as Riker enters the room shortly after Picard and a fictional character, Lieutenant Sinclair of Starfleet Resources, have discussed transferring Riker to a Star Fleet Garbage Scow.

“What was that all about?” he (Riker) asks.“Just talking about the level of personel (sic), Number One.” I (Picard) say, “Did you want anything?”

“Only to say I’ve had another message saying I’m on the shortlist for a Captaincy on a small transport ship.” he says, “I don’t know who keeps filling them in. I won’t go for the interview, as I’d like the Captaincy here too much.”

“I wonder who fills them out?” I say innocently, “Maybe some day your chance here will come?”

What a great comedic exchange. Or is it? Let’s take a closer look at what is going on in this blog. Commander Riker is seeking to usurp power from Captain Picard who is in turn trying to have Riker deported to a low-level Captaincy for which he is vastly overqualified onboard a ship with such ghastly working conditions that he would probably be dead within four months. Not so funny anymore, is it.

In the real Star Trek Universe, Captain Picard and Commander Riker are close friends. Neither would ever dream of betraying the other. Nor does Star Fleet have any ship in service, even garbage scows, that don’t meet their highest safety requirements. I wonder what movie features friends that betray each other and perilously designed spacecraft? Could it be Star Wars?

In Star Wars, Anakin Skywalker wants to be on the Jedi council, but Obi Wan, his so-called friend, won’t let him. To get rid of him, Obi Wan then sends Anakin on a babysitting mission to protect some bimbo who uses the dark art of seduction to turn him to evil, which ultimately leads to his death. To sum up, the second in command wants the power so the first in command sends him on a dangerous mission to dispose of him. Sound familiar? It’s the same story the Star Wars goon behind the Jean Luke Picard blog is using in his pitiful attempt to create doubt about the remarkable bond that Star Trek characters share.

This brings me to another issue with the blog, the hazardous garbage scow. Allow me to quote from the blog’s description of this fictional ship, the Candide. The scene takes place as Riker is interviewing for the captaincy with Admiral Gordon (another fictional character) of Star Fleet command.

The Admiral [says], “This job is for the Captaincy of the Candide.”

“The Candide?” I ask, “Isn’t that the garbage vessel that takes rubbish and scrap to the Forbidden Zone?”

“Got it in one, sonny”

“What happened to the last Captain?” I inquire.

“He died from radiation poisoning?” Gordon answers.

“I heard he only started four months ago.”

“That’s right” Gordon informs me without blinking, “The Candide has ahm.... a fast turnover of crew members. What it carries can have an amount of radioactivity in it. Still, you get used to it while you’re there. It has good medical facilities when you start to feel ill.”

First and foremost, Star Fleet is concerned about the health and safety of every crew member. All Star Fleet garbage vessels are equipped with standard radiation shields that protects the crew from harmful energy. That the writer of this blog missed this well-known and obvious fact is easily enough to implicate him as a Star Wars goon, but the connection is made even more obvious by the foolishly designed ships in Star Wars.

In Star Wars Episode II, the character Padme falls out of a spaceship into a desert because, get this, it doesn’t have any walls or seatbelts. Only a Star Wars goon could admire that ridiculous design enough to image a transport ship that carries radioactive material without the proper safeguards installed.

On a side note, this blog portrays Admiral Gordon as using the word “sonny” a lot. Dialogue like that is so bad that it reminds me a Star Wars battle droid.

I strongly advise all member of the I Hate Star Wars Club to avoid the Jean Luke Picard blog as devoutly as you avoid Star Wars movies themselves. Don’t be fooled by the powerful allure of fan fiction about your favorite characters; that blog is nothing more than Star Wars propaganda.

Weekday Post #61: Even Slate.com Thinks Star Wars is Gay in a Bad Way

There is some website called Slate.com that is really boring and usually just talks about politics... like I care! However, they recently published an article called “Luke Skywalker is a gay.” I didn’t even need to read the article because I already COMPLETELY agree. Luke Skywalker is totally a gay! He’s not a gay in the good way, like Mr. Sulu, but a gay in the bad way, like Anakin Skywalker. But that’s a lot better than making out with his sister, which Luke Skywalker did A LOT. Since there is nothing in this world that is sicker than incest, we can trust Star Wars to shove it in our faces!

Weekday Post #60: Head to Head – Nicknames

Both Star Wars and Star Trek feature several characters with nicknames. While nicknames are used as genial designations in both films, they are actually far from equal. Which film uses nicknames better? That’s the question that I’ll answer in today’s Head to Head.

Head to Head 2 – Nicknames

Character	Nickname	Evaluation
Anakin Skywalker	Ani	This nickname takes an already stupid name and makes it dumber. However, it may be appropriate for the character since Anakin Skywalker’s pathetic Sith powers can only be described as “girlie” (no offense ladies) and ‘Ani’ is vaguely similar to the feminine name ‘Annie.’
Leonard H. McCoy	Bones	As the chief medical officer of the U.S.S. Enterprise, Dr. McCoy must treat patients with many injuries, including broken bones. The Enterprise frequently encounters shock waves that send crewmembers falling over guardrails so Dr. McCoy has undoubtedly earned his clever nickname from the abundance of broken bones he has set.
C-3PO	3PO	What kind of stupid nickname drops the first syllable but leaves the rest of the name? The only two examples I can think of are ‘3PO’ and known Stars Wars goon, Christopher ‘Topher’ Grace. Sorry C3PO, but a nickname that only reduces a four syllable name by 25% is not going to score you any points in this contest.
No Name	Q	When you come from a race where no one has a name, it is only polite to give your human friends an easy to remember designation for yourself. With manners like that, it’s no wonder that Q is universally regarded as one of the most intelligent life forms in the Star Trek universe.
Jabba the Hutt	Jabba	This nickname serves only to belittle the character’s title. Since the Hutts are one of the few political forces that operate outside of the control of the Galactic Senate, it seems demonstrably discourteous to refer to Jabba casually. If this sort of callous indifference towards authority were to infect the Star Trek world, laypersons would be calling Captain Kirk by his first name. As one of the Star Wars militia’s favorite characters oft-times says, “How wude!”
Commander William T. Riker	#1	Many Star Wars goons express frustration with Commander Riker’s nickname since he is actually second in command. This attitude only demonstrates their ignorance since the name ‘#1’ refers to the fact that he is Captain Picard’s first choice for council and delegation. I applaud this nickname for its amazing symmetry. It is at once graceful and simple to understand for Star Trek fans, and confounding and incomprehensible to Star Wars goons.
Chewbacca	Chewie	I don’t even want to know why Han Solo calls his first mate ‘Chewie.’ Star Wars looses a point here for bad taste.
Montgomery Scott	Scotty	A nickname that both plays off a characters name and heritage is a rare treat indeed. Is ‘Scotty’ a cutesy form of his last name or a shortening of Scotish? No one knows for sure, but what is certain is that you’ll find no such complexity in Star Wars.

Which films have the advantage? Obviously, Star Trek wins, no contest. Let no one tell you that Star Trek and Star Wars are the same because they both have nicknames in them again!

Weekday Post #59: I Hate Star Wars Club on Google Groups

My goal has always been to get this club’s message to as many people as possible. I chose to publish this site on Blogger.com so that I could take advantage of Atom, the most popular syndication format in the world, and I also recently started a website to help organize the many unique features of this blog. To further push the limits of this bleeding edge technology, I have started a Google Group. I encourage everyone to sign up because not only will you receive an email notification whenever this blog is updated, you will also receive exclusive Group content that won’t be published on this blog. Signing up for the group couldn’t be easier. Just go to http://groups.google.com/group/IHateStarWarsClub and click on join. You’ll be glad you did.

You might be wondering why I am starting yet another way of distributing club content. The answer is simple. To defeat the Star Wars militia, I must always remain one step ahead of them. The Star Wars fan club still mails out their propaganda by regular U.S. Post. By utilizing this technology, I am making sure that the truth about Star Wars will be delivered faster than their vile lies.

Weekday Post #58: Star Trek Auction

I recently read that CBS/Paramount will be auctioning off several props and costumes from the all of the various Star Trek series and several of the movies. While many of these items are interesting and would be unique additions to my collection of Star Trek memorabilia, most are not necessary for this club to function. However, I need not tell you how absolutely vital it is that I win the Captain Kirk uniform from Star Trek 3. Imagine the fear that I would inspire in the hearts of Star Wars goons everywhere if they saw me in that majestic outfit. As your club president, I am asking all members of the I Hate Star Wars Club to refrain from bidding on Captain Kirk’s uniform. I don’t have a lot of money so the only way I’m going to win it is if no one else bids on it. Thank you in advance for your support with this.

As a side note, I learned about this auction when reading MSNBC. The article was fine and informative, but the title was terrible. “Two to bid up!” Oh, I get it, like ‘Two to beam up.’ Ha ha ha. Very funny. I’ve got news for you, MSNBC. Only Star Wars goons make puns. That type of lowbrow humor is not appropriate when discussing Star Trek. I’m not going to demand a club boycott of your website this time but if it happens again I won’t be so generous. Consider yourself warned.

Weekday Post #57: The Truth about Star Wars Street Team

When I was on the subway last night, I saw an anti-smoking advertisement that said, “The Truth: Secondhand Smoke Kills.” Obviously, the ad is a bunch of crap. I hang out with smokers all the time and I haven’t died. Nonetheless, the ad gave me a great idea about how to promote this blog to web surfers who haven’t yet found it. I got to work in Microsoft Paint (greatest drawing program in history!) and designed some “The Truth” ads of my own. I printed 100 of these and today I pasted them on every wall of every subway train and station that I was in on my half and a half commute to work. One guy read the sign and gave me a high five. He smelled like urine, but it was still nice that someone appreciated my efforts.

I am providing jpg images so that each of you can print and post these signs in public places throughout your towns. In internet circles, this is called a Street Team. I’ve only made two signs so far, but more are coming soon. If you would like to make your own sign, I am welcoming submissions. Just email your I Hate Star Wars Club sign to me. I will review them and post the best signs on this blog for use by other club members. The best sign will be featured on the front page of the official club website. Get your submissions in quick, because these signs promise to be so effective that there probably won’t be a Star Wars left to destroy a week from now!

Weekend Post #24: Movie Reviews of Over the Hedge and The Da Vinci Code

Hey there, I Hate Star Wars Club Members. As many of you are probably aware, this weekend is the year’s biggest opening for movies. Audiences have two choices of what to see, one movie is a William Shatner fan’s dream come true and the other is a blatant Star Wars commercial only thinly veiled as controversial denouncement of religion. I speak of course, of Over the Hedge and The Da Vinci Code.

Let’s begin on a positive note today and review Over the Hedge. I saw this movie on Friday night and I loved every second of it that featured William Shatner. The rest I could take or leave. My only major complaint about the movie is that it could have used a lot more of William Shatner’s hysterical possum character. Throughout the movie, the possum is required to play dead several times. Each time he “dies,” he utters tragic last words, which Shatner’s magnificent acting makes both funny and poignant. Though I laughed uncontrollably at each of his brilliant lines, I also shed many a tear when my heartstrings were unexpectedly pulled by Shatner’s famous phrase, “Oh my.” It hits me every time.

The most amazing thing about Shatner’s role in the film, is that he plays father to a possum voiced by Avril Lavigne. Though I dabbled briefly with listening to the Ramones in my youth, I am no great fan of punk music and generally consider Avril’s songs a little too hard core for my taste. Thankfully, the director took some of the edge off her extreme personality for her performance as Shatner’s daughter. When I saw her name listed in the opening credits, my mind immediately filled with fears of a possum wearing outlandish outfits that were so punk they hurt and singing songs that make impressionable teenagers want to misbehave and break things. Those fears were unfounded though because her feeble acting skills were so pale in comparison to the magnificent Shatner’s that I barely noticed she was even there.

Now it is my sad duty to report a review of the most recent Star Wars propaganda film, The Da Vinci Code. I haven’t seen the movie or read the book upon which it was based, but I did read about the controversy surrounding the movie on MSNBC and I immediately recognized the telltale signs of subliminal Star Wars posturing. The Da Vinci Code claims that Jesus Christ was not born of Immaculate Conception and that before his crucifixion he married and had a daughter. Obviously, this movie is sacrilegious because it attempt to make people stop worshipping God and start worshipping Anakin Skywalker.

Star Wars goons are undoubtedly preparing to begin a door-to-door campaign to spread their message, much like the Jehovah’s Witnesses and the Mormons. I suspect that it will go a little something like this:

Star Wars goons: [knocks on door]
Homemaker: [opens door] Yes?
Star Wars goons: Hello ma’am, we’re representatives from the Star Wars fan club. We’re in your neighborhood sharing a message of great joy today. Do you have a few spare minutes for us to share this message with you?
Homemaker: No thanks guys. [tries to close door but one of the Star Wars goons has blocked it with his foot]
Star Wars goons: Have you heard of the Da Vinci Code?
Homemaker: [sighs] Yeah.
Star Wars goon: The Da Vinci Code teaches us that Jesus was not born of a virgin and is therefore not special. Do you know who was born of a virgin, ma’am?
Homemaker: Um, no. Listen, I really have to get going—
Star Wars goon: Anakin Skywalker was born to Shmi Skywalker even though she had never known a man.
Homemaker: Really? When the Da Vinci Code came out, I lost all faith that a virgin could miraculously bear children.
Star Wars goons: In these troubled times, many people have lost faith, ma’am. That’s why we’re sharing the knowledge that has made us so happy. Did we mention that Anakin Skywalker had two kids in his secret marriage but Jesus only had one!
Homemaker: So he’s twice as powerful?
Star Wars goons: That’s right ma’am. Now, how many Star Wars movies would you like to buy today?
Homemaker: Ten please!

Granted, the above situation is a worst-case scenario, but I do believe that some weak-minded homemakers might believe the Star Wars goons’ lies. Because of this risk, the I Hate Star Wars Club is officially boycotting The Da Vinci Code. Before you accuse me of believing wild conspiracy theories and being carried away by hype, consider this: the Vatican has also recognized the danger this movie poses and has called for a boycott in an attempt to stop Catholics from leaving the church because of Star Wars. My habit of watching Star Trek reruns on Sunday afternoon does not allow me to attend regular worship services, but I am happy to collaborate with the Vatican in their effort to stamp out Star Wars.

This weekend when you’re standing in line to see Over the Hedge, tell your fellow theater patrons that you’re boycotting The Da Vinci Code because of its Star Wars pandering. Invite them to come with you and enjoy William Shatner’s amazing performance as a possum. If they’re interested, invite them over to your house to watch Star Trek movies with you. If they insist on seeing The Da Vinci Code, tell them to visit this blog afterwards to learn the truth.

Weekend Post #23: The Trouble with Tribbles pt 5

One day, Anakin Skywalker was in the hospital recovering from his latest altercation with a tribble. His nurse came into the room to read the computer print out with his health statistics.

After carefully analyzing the report she looked at Anakin and said, “We’ve managed to stop the internal hemorrhaging. Your body is also adjusting well to the new robotic foot. You were lucky that that tribble didn’t do more damage.” She snickered to herself as she pictured a four-inch ball of fur beating the pansy Sith Lord to within an inch of his life.

“That’s good news,” said Anakin. “I want to thank you for taking care of almost all of my needs. However,” his eyes glowed with an evil yellow tint as he paused for dramatic effect, “there is one need that is left unsatisfied.” He slapped the nurse on the butt. “How about it,” he asked, “my wife isn’t around and your nurse outfit is making me hot!”

“Sir!” cried the nurse as she quickly moved to the far end of the bed. “Are you suggesting what I think you are?”

“I don’t know,” said Anakin with a sneer. “Why don’t you tell me what dirty thoughts you think I have. And don’t move so far away, Nurse Naughty… I want to look at you up close!” He used the force to pull the nurse back to the side of the bed.

“You are a married man,” said the nurse. “You don’t want to find out what happens to adulterers in this hospital!”

“My wife is an idiot. She doesn’t have a clue what I do! Besides, I won’t tell if you won’t.” Anakin used the force to pinch the nurse’s butt cheek.

The nurse gasped. “You are a very bad man!”

“That’s right, Nurse Naughty! I’m a bad Sith Lord and I need you to punish me! Aren’t you going to teach me a lesson?”

The nurse resisted the urge to vomit as she seductively said, “Let’s start with a sponge bath. I’ll just go get a sponge.”

“Now you’re talking!” said Anakin. He hurriedly untied the sash on his Sith Lord robe while the nurse stepped out of the room. He positioned himself in what he hoped was a sexy pose on his hospital bed and yelled, “I’m ready for you, Nurse Naughty!”

The nurse appeared in the doorway. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

“You know it, baby!”

“All right, I hope you’re ready for the sponge!” She held up a small furry ball.

Anakin moaned in feigned ecstasy, “I am so ready!” As the nurse approached, Anakin noticed something strange. “Wait a minute,” he said, “that’s not a sponge… that’s a…”

“Whatever Sucka!” yelled the tribble as it leapt from the nurse’s hand and kicked Anakin in the face.

Anakin fell ass-first to the floor. The tribble twisted his arm behind his back. He spit up a mouthful of blood and three teeth. Although the pain in his arm was intense and the missing front teeth made it difficult to pronounce words, he managed to stammer a question to the nurse. “How could you?”

“It serves you right for being unfaithful to your wife!” The nurse walked up to Anakin and kicked him in the gut. “And that’s for calling me ‘Nurse Naughty!’ Find someone else to stick your robot limbs on for you next time!”

The tribble twisted Anakin’s wrist and his vision went black from the intense pain. He could hear the nurse walking out the door into the hallway. Before closing the door behind her she said, “I’ll send someone by in an hour or so to check on you. Tribble, do your worst.”

Before he surrendered completely to fear, Anakin realized that he had a new enemy. As soon as he healed from this battle, he not only had to get his revenge on the tribbles, he would also need to kill Nurse Naughty.

Weekday Post #56: The I Hate Star Wars Club Official Webpage

I get thousands of emails from I Hate Star Wars Club members around the world asking if I have a webpage other than this blog. Up until now, the answer has always been no. Many emotional club members have wept openly at this news and pleaded with me to start a webpage as soon as possible.

That’s why I’m pleased to announce the long-awaited launch of the I Hate Star Wars Club Official Website! You can find it exclusively at http://ihatestarwarsclub.googlepages.com. This site will serve as an appendage of this blog and offer organization that is not possible through blogger.com. For example, if you would like to read all of the installments in The Trouble With Tribbles series, you no longer have to search through pages of posts to find them, because each one is listed and hyperlinked within the Short Fiction section of the site. As new content is added to the blog, I’ll put links into the website in the appropriate sections. You’ll never miss your favorite blog feature again! If you forget the link, you can always find the website in the links section in the sidebar.

Currently, I’ve only designed two of the sections, but more are coming soon. Check back often so that you don’t miss any of the exciting developments. By utilizing both the blog and website, we’ll be able to wipe out Star Wars in record time. Tell a friend or neighbor who likes Star Wars to check out the site. You’ll be helping them more than you can possibly imagine.

Weekday Post #55: Star Wars goon, Busted!

Yesterday, I was bored out of mind at work (as usual) when something very interesting happened. I was going through my little telemarketer routine and suddenly the girl I called said, “Star Wars should die and I hope Star Trek lives forever.” I immediately recognized this as a bastardization of the DaShatner Code, which I had developed as a way for I Hate Star Wars Club members to communicate with me when I call them. Through the DaShatner Code, I had spoken with thousands of I Hate Star Wars Club members and none of them had ever had any difficulty saying the code perfectly. Knowing that the only people who were stupid enough to forget the simple code were Star Wars goons, I immediately became suspicious.

I decided to offer another test, just in case the person I called had recently converted to the I Hate Star Wars club after a lifetime of Star Wars goonery and therefore not had ample time for her brain cells to redevelop. I said, “My favorite character on Star Trek is Captain Kirk’s Science Officer, the Romulan, Mr. Spock.”

The caller responded, “Me too. I love that guy.”

I started to laugh at her foolishness. I had weaved an intricate web, and the Star Wars goon had irreversibly trapped herself. “Mr. Spock was a Vulcan, not a Romulan,” I said with glee.

She quickly stammered, “Uh… oh yeah, that’s what I meant. Yeah for the I Hate Star Wars Club! Say, I’d like to come and visit you. Where do you live?”

“Sorry, Star Wars goon,” I cried, “but I’m too smart for that trap. Your feeble attempt to discover my identity has failed.” I paused for dramatic effect before menacingly whispering, “Just as Star Wars shall fail!”

My manager, an admitted Star Wars goon, happened to walk by my cubicle at this point so I was written up again, but even that couldn’t wipe the smile from my face. I must admit that the Star Wars goons’ earlier assault on my family had left my confidence somewhat shaken, so directly thwarting a goon’s plans gave me a much needed self-esteem boost. Unfortunately, my manager says that posting customer names and telephone numbers online is a terminable offense, so I must content myself by simple saying, “Nice try C.B. from Rexburg, Idaho.”

Weekday Post #54: How Much Would You Pay?

This morning, an I Hate Star Wars Club member bravely fighting in the resistance group in Sithlord’s home town of St Louis, MO, sent me an email saying that he had tried to promote the truth about Star Wars on the official Star Wars webpage but was unable to because the site required payment before users could access the message board. He wrote, “This experience made me realize how important your blog is, because everyone, even assholes like Sithlord can post free of charge.” (Editors Note: Sithlord may be able to post for free, but he is well aware that his hateful comments are not welcome here.)

Thank you for the kind words, but you should know that my blog isn’t the only free resource on the web for Star Wars haters. The entire site at StarTrek.com is completely free of charge, including the massive library that is so huge that I haven’t even finished reading it yet. There is enough content there to keep anyone fully satisfied for years and none of it costs a cent.

I find it very interesting that Gene Roddenberry’s massive vision is shared with the world free of charge while Star Wars goons must pay George Lucas a hefty fee for the privilege of having their intelligence insulted by his banal story. Considering that most Star Wars goons work minimum wage jobs in the fast food industry, it’s a wonder that any of them can even afford to visit their homepage. George Lucas not only wants Gene Roddenberry’s glory, he also wants all of your money. Thankfully, the number of people willing to give it to him is rapidly diminishing.

Weekday Post #53: Enough with the Personal Stories, Already!

I realize today that I have dedicated far too much space on this precious blog to discussing my personal problems. This blog is not a MySpace page. People don’t come here expecting to read some whining kid complaining about how nobody likes him while a lame emo song plays in the background. This blog is about hating Star Wars and destroying it through vicious attacks. Describing how the Star Wars goons usurped control over my family probably served only to boost their ego and bolster their excitement for future attacks. In hindsight, I wish I hadn’t published that story. Unfortunately, blogging etiquette forbids me from deleting regrettably posts.

Being kicked out of my house really helped me sort out my priorities. I am reaffirming my commitment to making sure this blog is the best resource on the internet for reading daily content featuring attacks on Star Wars, jokes at Star Wars’ expense, exposés on the many lies of George Lucas, and short stories in which Anakin Skywalker gets his ass stomped by a tribble.

I will never mention my family on this blog again. To mark the occasion, allow to share the following story, which blends my unfortunate decision to share my personal problems with my skill for demonstrating Star Trek’s superiority in all things.

One day, my brother, my sister-in-law, and my mother were all walking down the street to go see Star Wars at a movie theater. They all were laughing because they thought I was stupid. Just then, a taxicab stopped at the curb near them. The window opened and they all saw me sitting in the backseat with a tribble on my lap. I glared at them and said, “So you think I’m stupid do you?” The tribble yelled, “Whatever sucka!” and leapt from the taxicab and began to stomp all their asses. All of my family started to cry and beg me for forgiveness. They said, “We’re so sorry, William Shatner’s #1 Fan! You were right the whole time! We were stupid for liking Star Wars! We’ve learned our lesson, please make the tribble stop stomping our asses!” I just laughed, “You punks have learned your lesson when I say you’ve learned your lesson!” Thus, my stubborn family finally learned that Star Wars ruins lives. Too bad they had to learn the hard way.

Weekday Post #52: Greetings from the Public Library

Some eagle-eyed I Hate Star Wars Club member may have noticed that I haven’t been updating my blog on a daily basis this week. For several days, this blog was unintentionally left at Friday’s post. Unfortunately, due to the lack of internet connection in my studio apartment, I have been unable to get online to post every day. But fear not, faithful I Hate Star Wars Club readers, I have never faltered in my commitment to write a new post every day. Today was the first opportunity I had to save all of my backdated posts to a floppy disc and take the subway to the public library to update the blog.

I’m sure that many of you are aghast by the news that I won’t be updating every single day. I can already hear the voices of the disenchanted chanting in unison, “We need our daily I Hate Star Wars Club fix! You are our lifeblood!” Fear not, for I have great news! Due to the recent upset in my living arrangements, I have decided to resume my schooling after a decade long break. I am finally going to finish my associate’s degree at my old alma mater, Borough of Manhattan Community College. The school offers free internet access to all students so by utilizing the computer lab, I will once again be able to update this blog daily.

Watch your back Star Wars, this blog will be back to its full power as soon as summer semester starts. I am so going to stomp your ass!

Weekend Post #22: My Brother the Judas pt 3

I find it ironic that fate should decree that on this day when we traditionally celebrate motherhood, I should write of my mother’s disparaging betrayal. No flowery words praising the strength and virtue of my struggling single mom shall be found in today’s post. A mother that has aligned herself with the Star Wars goons is no mother to me.

Alas, I am getting ahead of myself. When last I posted on the subject, I had just retired in the guest bedroom of my brother’s house after discovering that he and his family were adulterers trysting with Star Wars behind Star Trek’s back. It is from this point that I resume my story.

Sunday morning my mother woke me up much earlier than expected and told me that we were leaving. My brother’s family hadn’t woken up yet. Normally when we visit my brother, the whole family goes to Dunkin' Donuts for breakfast before we drive home. I however, was not remiss to forego family niceties after the previous night’s grim discovery. My mother must have said her goodbyes after I retired the previous evening because she led me strait to the car without saying a word to anyone in the house.

I hadn’t showered or shaved, not that that was unusual behavior for me on Sunday, but for the first time that I can recall, my mom didn’t whine about my body odor. We drove in silence until we reached Hudson Valley. Suddenly my mom turned to me and said that I owed my brother’s family a huge apology. I felt then, as I do now, that it is my brother who should fall to his knees and plead with me for forgiveness, but my mom never shut up long enough to give me a chance to say that.

She had the gall to say that I had ruined the entire trip and that she was sick of all my Star Wars and Star Trek “nonsense” and it was time I “grew the [expletive] up.” I originally thought that my mother fled my brother’s house so quickly to prevent another alteration between us, but I quickly realized that she, like my wretched sister-in-law, had become a full-fledged Star Wars goon. I suppose it was inevitable. Those two weak-minded women felt an urge to rebel against authority, just like teenagers do, and so they willingly turned from the path of Star Trek’s enlightenment that I showed them into the maze of Star Wars’ lies and deceit.

I told my mom that none of this would have happened if my brother didn’t have Star Wars DVDs in his house. I said, “All you have to do is read my blog to know how I feel about those films.” Mom said that she didn’t want me writing the blog anymore. I refused to speak to her the rest of the way home. After we dropped the rental car off at Enterprise and took the subway home, I went right to my room and watched Star Trek movies all night long even though I had work the next day.

The next morning my mom went off on this spiel with the usual crap. “Why can’t you be more like your brother? He has a good job and a great family and blah blah blah blah blah.”

I tried my best to tune her out but she went on for longer than normal that day so finally I said, “Okay! Maybe I don’t have a girlfriend or a super great job but I have a blog and a mission that millions of people around the world share. Not that it matters to you, but all of those people look to me as a leader! I think that far outweighs any meager accomplishments that my brother made!”

My mom sighed in that disdainful style that I loathe so much and said that I was living in a fantasy world. She said that if I wanted to keep wasting my time writing long boring posts that no one on Earth wanted to read that was my business but if I wanted to keep living with her I needed to “get my life in order” and start paying rent. She also forbade me from ever mentioning Star Wars to any of her friends or anyone in our family because no one wanted to come to the apartment because of me. She claimed I was the reason for her ruined social life.

I mumbled, “You’re acting like a Romulan.” I don’t think that was such a bad insult considering that what I really wanted to say was that she was acting like a Star Wars goon.

She said, “I don’t even know or care what that is, but my offer for you to pay rent is gone. I want you out by the end of the week.”

So now, I’m out of a home. The I Hate Star Wars Club has had to pack up its headquarters and move to a grossly overpriced studio apartment in the Bronx. I don’t have a phone or the internet hooked up yet, but don’t worry, as long as I can keep making posts from the public library, I will keep the blog alive. The Star Wars militia is certainly laughing at me right now, but little do they know that now that I am not living under the gaze of my mother—undoubtedly one of their spies—this club will develop unobserved and will become more powerful than they can imagine. They may think that they dealt me a fatal blow, but they will shortly find out that they are suffering from a self-inflicted lethal wound.

Weekend Post #21: Life After Star Wars

I got an email yesterday from an I Hate Star Wars Club member who asked two very intelligent questions that many of you are probably wondering about. With his permission, I am reprinting it here.

Dear William Shatner’s #1 Fan,
Your post last weekend in which you wrote a letter to the children of the future (Editor’s Note: He is referring to Weekend Post #20: My Letter to the Future) really got me thinking. I can’t wait for the day when Star Wars is finally wiped off the Earth and we can all live in the happy world that you described in your letter. I am wondering two things. How long do you think until that great day arrives and what will you do with yourself when it does?

Thank you again for those excellent questions. If you had asked me the first question two weeks ago, I would have said that Star Wars was in its final throws and would soon be defeated. However, my family’s horrid betrayal proved to me that the Star Wars goons are more powerful than I had believed. Though they are weak and led by fools, they have yet some fight left in them and I suspect that I must continue to make battle for at least another six months before I can destroy all trace of them.

As for your second question, other than hosting a worldwide celebration, I have no idea what I’ll do after I’ve destroyed Star Wars. I try not to think about that too much because fantasies of the future, which normally involve hordes of smoking hot babes throwing themselves at my feet and pleading to be the one to pluck my delicate virgin flower, distract me from the important task at hand. My philosophy is that I must manage the present appropriately if my desired future is to occur. I am confident that by successfully destroying Star Wars, all other aspects of my life will fall into place.

Weekday Post #51: My Brother the Judas pt 2

Saturday at my brother’s house started out nice. My mom and my sister-in-law went shopping for baby stuff while my brother and I played some video games. I wanted to play Star Trek: Pinball, but I left in it the city. Besides, as I’ve mentioned earlier in this blog, my brother has a Mac and Star Trek: Pinball wouldn’t be caught dead running on one of those suck machines.

My two nephews spent part of the day watching Sponge Bob Square Pants. I can remember some Christian guy on TV saying that Sponge Bob used subliminal messages to turn children gay. I don’t care much about the gay stuff, but I did watch closely to see if the show used subliminal messages to turn children into Star Wars goons. Everything checked out okay so I had no problem with the show, other than that the children should have been watching Star Trek: TOS. They also watched something called Powerpuff Girls. I’d never heard of this show, but I monitored it pretty carefully and didn’t find any hidden Star Wars pandering.

After the generally pleasant day had ended, I told my nephews the bedtime story about Anakin Skywalker getting his ass handed to him by a Tribble. I’ve previously published the story on this blog so I won’t repeat it. After telling the story, I immediately went over to the stupid Macintosh and typed it in for the blog.

As a side note, I find it very distracting that the ‘maximize’ and ‘minimize’ buttons on a Mac window look like traffic lights. I’ve got news for you, Apple Computers. Green means ‘Go.’ It does not now nor will it ever mean ‘Maximize.’ It’s no wonder that the only people who use Apple Computers are Star Wars goons. Just as Star Wars stole all their ideas from Star Trek, Mac stole all their ideas from Windows. I have a hunch that when I destroy Star Wars, the ripple effect will also destroy Macs.

After keying in the story’s incredible ending wherein a triumphant Captain Kirk and his Tribble friend beam to the USS Enterprise leaving a weeping Anakin Skywalker behind, I heard Natalie Portman’s voice. At first I ignored it, thinking that it was perhaps a television commercial for V for Vendetta, but then I heard the unmistakably wretched strains of a John William’s score. I followed the horrid sound down the hallway to my nephews’ room and threw open the door.

“It’s Fat Uncle!” screamed the youngest. The eldest tried to conceal something with a blanket but I had already seen what it was. The impressionable seven and four-year-old boys were watching Star Wars Episode II on a portable DVD player. I snatched the machine from his hands and called for my brother.

Not just my brother, but my mom and sister-in-law came into the room. My mom was glaring at me in her demeaning way and my sister-in-law uttered a word that is unprintable on this blog but that it is far too common among vile Star Wars goons. I ignored both of the foolish women and held the DVD player up for my brother to see. “Look at what I just caught your sons watching.”

Even at this point, I did not suspect that my brother was guilty of owning the Star Wars movies. I thought that the naïve children must have borrowed them from a classmate, unbeknownst to their parents. So I was utterly heartbroken when my brother proclaimed his disloyalty to me by saying, “I told you boys not to watch Star Wars when your uncle was here.”

I started to yell; I couldn’t help it. I simply could not understand how he could possibly throw out his Star Trek movies yet allow his children to watch Star Wars filth!

My brother interrupted me and said, “Stop yelling. The kids like to watch them. It’s just a stupid movie so lay off.”

My sister-in-law said, “We shouldn’t have to hide kid movies and pretend that we just loaned out movies that we don’t like when you come over!” She had the gall to add, “Grow the [expletive] up!”

I turned my back to my sister-in-law and told my brother, “You know how I feel about these movies. You know the facts about them. They aren’t harmless movies. You’re letting your kids watch a movie that will probably turn your children brainless goons obsessed with masochism.”

My sister-in-law continued her unwelcome rant. “What the hell is wrong with you? Obsessed with masochism? What are you even talking about? We don’t tell you not to watch Star Trek or not to write that asinine blog, so what gives you the right to come into our house and tell us what to do? What gives you the right to tell violent bedtime stories to my kids about Captain Kirk cutting off people’s feet?” (Obviously, she hadn’t understood my story, simplistic though it was. Her incomprehension of the detail that Anakin cut off his own foot—singular—long before Captain Kirk arrived confirmed my suspicion that Star Wars had long-since rotted her brain. )

I looked my brother right in the eye and said, “I see that the Star Wars goons have gotten here before me. Or maybe you willingly brought one into the house.” I eyed his wife knowingly. I noticed that my nephews were crying, but it was better that they should learn the truth than continue to believe that watching Star Wars was an acceptable pastime.

My mother spoke for the first time. “There is no such thing as Star Wars goons, or the Star Wars militia, or the Star Wars army. You blather on about them every day and everyone is getting sick of it—”

I stopped her. “First off, I have never mentioned a Star Wars army. You just made that up. Secondly, denying that they exist only makes them stronger. Star Wars goons thrive in darkness.” My sister-in-law sighed and started to say something but I ignored her and turned my attention to my nephews. “I’m sorry that I got here too late. I’m sorry that I couldn’t be here to protect you from the Star Wars goons.”

My brother said, “There are no Star Wars goons. The kids just like to watch the movies because they think they’re cool. They’ll grow out of them in a few years just like I grew out of Star Trek. Maybe it’s time for you to do the same. Honestly, you live in mom’s spare bedroom writing a blog about hating a movie that most people don’t give a [expletive] about anyway!”

I glared at him. “You didn’t grow out of Star Trek; you never loved it as much as I do. I’ve got two pieces of advice for you. Don’t use harsh language like that around your children, and don’t let them watch Star Wars. I’ve seen what it can do to people and I guarantee that you’ll be sorry if you let this continue.”

I walked out of the room and went to my bed. I could hear my sister-in-law whining about how she wanted me to go to a hotel because she didn’t want me spending another night in her house. My brother talked her out of it though, which made me think that perhaps there is hope left for him. Nonetheless, I went to sleep that night fearing that my sister-in-law would never allow me in the house again and that she would utterly decimate my young nephew’s lives as well as the life of the unborn child that she carries. Still, the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few; my brother has only two children and one on the way. Of course I love them, but I’ve got a world that needs me. I knew that the Star Wars goons had attacked my family in an effort to distract me from this blog. If I let the blog suffer just because my family needed me, I would be letting the Star Wars goons win. I could never let that happen.

To be concluded…

Weekday Post #50: Girls Night Out pt 1

Hey there, I Hate Star Wars Club Members. I’m sorry to interrupt the story of my brother’s betrayal, but in honor of 50 Weekday Posts, I wanted to publish the first installment of the long-rumored new short story, Girls Night Out. This story presents another vantage point of the events depicted in The Trouble With Tribbles; it shows how Anakin Skywalker’s obsession with seeking revenge on the tribbles who so thoroughly stomped his ass affects his loved ones at home. I hope you enjoy it.

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One day, Padme was sitting on a park bench outside of a hospital. Her husband, Anakin Skywalker, was inside because he had fractured two ribs in his latest tussle with a tribble. Medical droids had brought him to the hospital the night before on the ambulance ship. Emperor Palpatine kept that ship on a state of constant alert just in case Anakin got in a fight. As the droids carried her husband in on a stretcher, Padme tried to tell him how glad she was that he was alive, but all he could talk about was tracking down that tribble and getting his revenge.

Padme slumped on the bench and sighed. She decided that being married to the weakest man in the galaxy was almost more trouble than it was worth. Sure, Anakin said many sweet things to her, like the time that he said her skin was softer than sand—that was nice—but constantly sitting in emergency room waiting rooms while the doctors installed new robotic appendages was starting to take a toll on her. She needed some alone time.

Padme turned at the sound of laughter coming from nearby; she saw Janeway, 7 of 9, and Uhura coming out of a small space bar next to the hospital. The three women walked by Padme as if they didn’t even notice her.

“Excuse me,” said Padme, “I’m sorry to be rude, but it looks like you ladies are having fun and I could really use some cheering up. Normally I would never be so impetuous, but would it be all right if I tagged along with you?”

Janeway peered down her nose at Padme. “Aren’t you married to that wimp who always gets beat up by tribbles?”

Padme looked at her shoes. “Yes, ma’am. I’m afraid that I am.”

“Tribbles would never hurt a fly, yet your husband claims they attack him unprovoked.” Janeway shook her head disapprovingly.

“Yes,” Padme said, “he does say that. I wish it were true, but I fear that the tribbles merely finish the fights that he starts.”

7 of 9 looked at her watch. “Come on girls,” she said, “we’re going to miss the first dancer.” She looked at Padme and added, “Sorry, no extra room in the spaceship. Later.”

Padme started to cry as the three women walked away. She couldn’t bear to return to Anakin’s room and listen to him rampage about the tribble menace but she had nowhere else to go. Suddenly, she felt a light tap on her shoulder. She looked up to see Uhura smiling at her.

“I told 7 of 9 and Janeway that I forgot my purse in the bar,” said Uhura. “Listen, I always thought you were a Star Wars goon, like your husband, but you really impressed me by telling the truth about him provoking the tribbles to attack. The girls don’t know I’m doing this, but we’re having a little Girls Night Out and if you’d like to come, you’re invited.”

Padme was stunned. “I don’t know how to thank you! I have never been so flattered—”

Uhura interrupted her, “Don’t mention it, but we’ve got to hurry. The first dancer starts in ten minutes and you don’t want to miss a second of it!”

Uhura handed Padme a tissue, which she used to dab the tears from her cheeks as she followed Uhura’s hurried pace down the street. For the first time in years, Padme smiled.

To be continued…

Weekday Post #49: My Brother the Judas pt 1

As the title of this blog indicates, my brother has betrayed me. I’ve always known that he didn’t share my dedication to the I Hate Star Wars Club, but I never expected him to turn against me so completely. The betrayal happened long ago, but I only discovered it last weekend when my mom and I drove to upstate New York to visit his family and help with the preparations for their new baby. I felt a dreadful premonition about the trip from the very beginning, but my mom said that I had to go.

First off, I should say that I’ve always had problems with his family; I just didn’t want to mention them in this public forum because I didn’t want to embarrass him. However, his traitorous actions have released me from any binding family loyalty and I am therefore free to openly discuss my grievances. I would post his name and address on this blog so that I Hate Star Wars Club members could write him condemning letters, but regrettably, he shares my last name and any revelation of his identity risks revealing mine. Due to the constant threat of the Star Wars militia, I simply cannot afford to take that risk.

Therefore, allow me to digress from my point to state a grievance that I have carried in silence for far too long. For years, his bratty little boys have called me “Fat Uncle” because his wife’s brother is a personal trainer and is very muscular and lean. Of course he gives my brother’s family free training sessions so they’re all thin, but has he ever offered free work out help for me? Never in a way that wasn’t preceded with some derogatory comment about how I needed to lose weight. Besides, I work 40 hours a week! Between my sucky job and the work required to maintain this humble blog, I don’t have a lot of time for extracurricular activities like hanging out with a bunch of meatheads at the gym all day as he does.

Back to the topic at hand. On Friday night, my mom and I arrived at my brother’s house. Once my brother finished unloading the car, I decided that I wanted to watch Star Trek: Nemesis. I went downstairs to his home theater and opened up his DVD cabinet. I knew that he owned a copy of Star Trek: Nemesis because I bought it for his family for Christmas last year, yet I couldn’t find it anywhere. In fact, I couldn’t find any of the Star Trek movies I had bought for him over the years.

I marched upstairs to the dining room where everyone was chatting. Though I already suspected the worst, I explained the situation calmly and politely asked where his Star Trek DVDs were. He said that he had loaned them all to a friend for the weekend. I asked where the friend lived so that I could go get them. My brother stammered because he knew I had caught him in a lie but my mother tried to cover for him by telling me to skip Star Trek tonight and “visit with the grownups for once.”

I really hate when my mom uses that condescending tone with me like I’m some kind of kid. I said, “I watch a Star Trek movie every Friday night and I am not breaking that tradition now. I’m going to get those movies, tell me where your friend lives.”

My brother started telling some b.s. story about how the friend was watching a Star Trek marathon and I shouldn’t interrupt him. I told him that I was willing to only pick up one of the earlier movies that the “friend” had already finished watching. My brother kept on insisting that I leave the mysterious friend alone. Finally my sister-in-law jumped in and said, “We sold all the Star Trek movies on eBay months ago. We didn’t want to tell you because we knew you’d freak out. So will you please just chill?”

I glared at my brother. “You lied to me? How could you sell them? Those movies were all gifts from me!”

He glanced at his wife, as if he wanted her to continue doing the talking for him, but she kept silent. He said, “We just didn’t ever watch them. I’m sorry that I sold your Christmas presents, but no one here is that big of Star Trek fan.”

My mother again tried to get me to forget the matter and sit down with everyone but I was too pissed off for that. I demanded my brother’s video rental card and immediately went to the nearby Blockbuster to rent Star Trek: Nemesis. I ignored everyone for the rest of the night while I watched my movie. I couldn’t imagine how the weekend could possibly get worse. Little did I know that my brother’s treachery was like an onion; I had only peeled the outer layer. The dark secret at the core of his soul was still hidden, but not for long.

To be continued…

Weekday Post #48: The Star Wars goons’ Assault on My Family

I’ve received a ton of email from I Hate Star Wars Club Members who wanted to know how my visit to my brother’s house in upstate New York went last weekend. Obviously, I’ve been avoiding the subject because I didn’t want to talk about it, but I realize now that it’s not fair to hide the truth from you. There’s no easy way to say this so I’ll just get right to the point. Somehow, the Star Wars goons must have found out my true identity and used that information to attack and convert my brother’s family to their evil ways. My subtle efforts to help my foolish family realize their grievous error and return to Star Trek fandom have resulted in a change of living arrangement for me and a relocation of the I Hate Star Wars Club’s official headquarters. My mom gave me a week to “pack up my Star Trek crap and move out.” She didn’t really say “crap,” though. I edited her harsh language so that this blog would continue its long-standing tradition of being a family-safe web destination.

Though my brother denies direct Star Wars goon involvement, I am smart enough to recognize their handiwork when I see it. They clearly thought that this below-the-belt assault on my weak-minded family would hurt me so much that I would quit writing this blog. Somewhere in St. Louis, I imagine Sithlord laughing with delight right now. Well, I’ve got bad news for you, Sithloser! Your role model, Anakin Skywalker, may have taught you to buckle and weep like a pansy whenever faced with adversity, but my role model is Captain James Tiberius Kirk so adversity only makes me stronger! Pay attention Star Wars goons. I’m going to say this really simply so that your pathetically feeble minds can somewhat comprehend my meaning. Your little stunt marks the beginning of the end for you. The I Hate Star Wars Club will swiftly find its vengeance. My family, and every other family on Earth will soon be unfaltering Star Trek fans who will mercilessly hunt you in the gutters and alleys where you hide. I suggest you surrender yourselves now because for each day that you hide, I will stomp your ass twice as hard.

As a public service, I will be using this blog to tell the sad story of my family’s downfall so that readers can recognize the warning signs of Star Wars conversion in their own families and stop the Star Wars goons before its too late. To my faithful readers: fear not, this blog will never yield to the terrorism of the Star Wars goons. It will continue until Star Wars is destroyed and whether or not my family celebrates my victory with me is inconsequential.

Weekday Post #47: Playground Joke for the Kidz pt 3

This joke is a little harder to understand because it makes a play on a character’s name. I recommend only telling this joke to older children since young ones will be too stupid to understand it.

Knock Knock
Who's There?
Qui Gon.
Qui Gon who?
Qui Gone out of the stupid trilogy after the first episode! Liam Neeson is smart enough to know when he's in an ass-stupid movie!

Weekend Post #20: My Letter to the Future

Yesterday, a librarian told me about a very exciting new website called Earth Capsule that allows you to write messages that people won’t read until 5 years from now! Obviously, I couldn’t afford to miss this amazing opportunity. While I’m sure that future historians will thoroughly document the I Hate Star Wars Club’s triumph over the Star Wars militia, Earth Capsule will give our grandchildren the unique ability to read a message from me directly addressed to them. My letter will make this important time in our culture’s history seem much more alive to them than a stodgy textbook summary ever could.

I know that you’re not supposed to publish the material that you submit into the Earth Capsule in other mediums, but I simply couldn’t resist sharing my message for the future with all of you. Besides, I am confidant that the children of the future will not see this post ahead of schedule because I will be taking the I Hate Star Wars Club official blog offline when I have successfully removed Star Wars from the Earth. (I don’t want anything, not even this blog, to remind the world that Star Wars ever existed.)

Dear Children of the Future,
Please put down your William Shatner action figures and listen to this letter. I promise that I shan’t be overlong. My name may not be familiar to you, but that is only because I have chosen not to take credit for my great deeds but have instead opted to heal the world in anonymity. In 2006, the world knew me as William Shatner’s #1 Fan, a title that I’m sure many of you claim for yourselves in 2056. Many of you probably attend the William Shatner School of Advanced Acting Technique and your parents no doubt work for the William Shatner Memorial Foundation for Global Peace. I suspect that William Shatner’s premier show, Star Trek: TOS is both a form of constant entertainment (though surely enhanced for breathtaking Holo-Vision T.V.) and a study aid for colligate courses in advanced scientific theory courses. I am positive that my meager imaginations cannot fully do justice to the Utopian World in which you live.

Some of your grandparents may have told you of a distant time when the world was not so happy a place. I imagine that for most of you, memory of this time has faded to a disbelieved urban legend, but in 2006, the unquestioned superiority of Star Trek as the penultimate Science Fiction space drama that you all enjoy, was not so certain. There existed at this time a would-be usurper to the sci-fi throne, a vile movie called Star Wars. If you look in the reference books of 2056, you may see a brief one-sentence description of this film under the heading, “Worst Movie Ever Made.”

Of course, there were many stupid movies in 2006. You may be wondering why I mention this one in particular, as the name undoubtedly means nothing to you. Star Wars was unique in its stupidity for it lowered the IQ of everyone who saw it. People who repeatedly watched this movie, known as Star Wars goons, found that they were unable to comprehend the complex plots of Star Trek, and so they sought to destroy it. By showing their mind-numbing film to as many people as possible, the Star Wars goons were able to form an army of mindless drones, known as the Star Wars militia, who unthinkingly did their every bidding. An evil man known as George Lucas was the creator of Star Wars and the leader of the militia. His goal was to make everyone in the world as banal as possible so that he could claim the glory of Gene Roddenberry—who as you well know was the genius who created Star Trek—for himself.

I, like millions of others, held true to the Star Trek ideals, but we were helpless to do anything but watch in horror as the Star Wars militia tromped throughout the world, spreading their message that it was okay to be mediocre. In 2005, it looked as if they were going to accomplish their goals. The 10th movie in the Star Trek franchise, while a critical favorite, had not done well financially at the box office; the sixth movie in the Star Trek franchise had made millions. Some Star Wars goons saw the movie over a dozen times, often paying double what their minimum wage jobs could pay in an hour each time they went to the theater.

Realizing that if someone didn’t act immediately, Star Wars might permanently eradicate Star Trek, I formed an underground allegiance of likeminded souls into a guerrilla group called the I Hate Star Wars Club. I masked my identity with the pseudonym, “William Shatner’s #1 Fan,” both to protect myself from Star Wars militia attacks, and to keep the press’s attention on the club’s mission and not its charismatic leader. By harnessing the powers of the Internet, I was able to broadcast the truth about Star Wars to billions of people worldwide. Within two months of starting the club, I had drastically reduced the number of copies of Star Wars available to rent from video stores and convinced known Star Wars goon, J.J. Abrams to switch allegiances to Star Trek and direct what many of you probably regard as the greatest movie ever made, Star Trek XI.

While I do not know exactly what events led to the Utopia that you live in, I do know that my efforts were directly responsible for them. You live in a Star Wars free world, and you owe that blessing to a revolutionary organization that history has perhaps forgotten, the I Hate Star Wars Club. As I previously explained, I have chosen not to accept fame and fortune my deeds, but nevertheless, you may someday meet in New York City an 82-year-old man with an air of contentment that only lifetime of great accomplishments can bring. As you pass by, say to this man, “Long Live Star Trek!” and you shall bring a tear of joy to his eye. Just don’t mention Star Wars, even in jest, for the man will be well versed in the fighting style of Captain Kirk and though elderly, he will still stomp your ass, Shatner-style. I know this because I am the old man (or will be at the time you’re reading this).

That is all I have to say to you. I hope that the next time you play with your William Shatner action figure—with no fear of molestation at the hands of a vile Star Wars goon—that you will think of me. Utopia is my gift to you.

I am now, and forever shall be,
William Shatner’s #1 Fan.

Weekend Post #19: An Email from “Joe”

This weekend I got an email from an I Hate Star Wars Club members whom I will call “Joe.” This letter brings up a valid concern that many I Hate Star Wars Club members may share, so with “Joe’s” permission, I am reprinting it here.

Dear William Shatner’s #1 Fan,
Hi. I don’t really know how to begin this. There is so much I want to say to you. Let me just say thank you for all your hard work in the fight against the Star Wars Militia. I read your blog everyday. Every post is awesom (sic) so it’s hard to choose a favorite but if I had to pick it would the one about farting whenever someone mentions Star Wars. (Editor’s Note: “Joe” is referring to Weekday Post #17: Cures People of Star Wars Addictions Easy as “Clockwork.”) I try hard to always follow your advice. I tell at least three people every day that Star Wars sucks and I’ve asked the video store to stop carrying it. They still have a few copies but they used to have something like 100 copies of Revenge of the Sith but now they only have 10 or 20 so I’m making progress.

I’ll tell you a little bit about myself. I am a high school freshman in Raleigh North Carolina. I’m making a MySpace page right now. I am going to link to your blog as my #1 link! Are you on MySpace? I hope so. It would be awesom (sic) to be your friend on MySpace.

I need to do my homework for tomorrow. You can publish my letter on your blog if you want, but please don’t include my real name. My school is full of Star Wars Goons who beat me up in the cafeteria. They like to take my Star Trek insignia pin off my shirt and throw it in the toilet in the girl’s bathroom so I have to go in there and get all the girls mad at me. I don’t want the Star Wars Goons to see that I wrote to you or else I think they’ll beat me up even more. Anyways keep up the good work.
Your friend,
Ryan Harston

Thanks for the letter, “Joe.” First off, great job on starting to get Star Wars out of the video store. My advice is to not be satisfied with this partial success. Keep putting on the pressure until the store has thrown out all copies of Star Wars and replaced them with “like 100” copies of Star Trek. I recommend picketing the store with a sign that says, “Take Your Business to a Video Store that Doesn’t Rent Star Wars Filth!”

I chose to publish your letter because I thought other I Hate Star Wars Club members might have the same question about MySpace.com that you did. I’ve always thought MySpace.com was a webpage that only morons and losers used, but your letter makes me realize that it could be a great online tool for reaching the youth with my Anti-Star Wars message. Perhaps I should start a MySpace page. If I do, I will be happy to link to you as a “MySpace.com friend”, as well as any other I Hate Star Wars Club member.

By the way, “Joe,” you may have noticed that I did not honor your request to refrain from publishing your real on this post. The reason for this is simple—the I Hate Star Wars Club needs members who hate Star Wars more than anything else on Earth. The only way to develop this hatred is to get beat up by Star Wars goons every day in junior high and high school. You said in your letter that the Star Wars goons put your Star Trek insignia pin in the toilet. Well guess what, “Joe,” they used to put my face in the toilet! I used to have to go to class with poop in my hair thanks to those damned souls! So don’t look for any pity from me! If I helped you avoid the treatment that I received, your fiery hatred for Star Wars might eventually fizzle when your developing mind moved on to other pursuits.

Next time the Star Wars goons beat you up, bottle up that anger and store it somewhere deep inside. A lifetime of pent-up rage is a powerful tool and it is exactly the sort of weapon that the I Hate Star Wars Club will need in the months ahead when we fight the battle to destroy Star Wars once and for all! Remember “Joe,” this club is called the ‘I Hate Star Wars Club,’ not the ‘I Sort Of Don’t Like Star Wars Club!’ If I hadn’t suffered such consistent abuse at the hands of the Star Wars goons, I never would have had the internalized fury needed to organize this worldwide fight against Star Wars. In order for you to be a valuable part of this community, we need your rage. Take your daily beatings with pride. They are the means by which you will finally grow from a boy into a man.

Weekday Post #46: Captain Kirk wouldn’t be Caught Dead in a Land Speeder

Jedi Knights have to fly land speeders? Don’t make me laugh! When Captain Kirk has somewhere to go, he beams there, LIKE A MAN!

Weekday Post #45: George Takei is Too Good for Will & Grace

Everyone’s favorite gay, George Takei, recently appeared on Will & Grace. For those who don’t know, that’s a show about men who don’t have to worry about how no women like them. Speaking of which, the only I Hate Star Wars club member in my office is a gay. He’s also the only person who ever talks to me socially. He doesn’t seem to have any trouble finding love. In fact, he just met a boyfriend that he’s really happy with. Sometimes I wish I were a gay so that I could enjoy some companionship in my life. Unfortunately, I just can’t get enough of hot ladies! Why do you have to be so freaking hot Uhura? I could be a gay if not for your smoking hot bod!

Anyway, George Takei was on Will & Grace and let me tell you, he was by far the best part of the show. (And no sickos, I don’t mean that he’s hotter than Uhura!) He was the best part of the show because Will and Grace sucks! They made it seem like George Takei didn’t comprehend how important his role in the Star Trek: TOS really was. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if the character Jack was a Star Wars goon trying to subliminally turn the audience into Star Wars devotees. To make matters worse, known Star Wars goon, Britney Spears, appeared on the show. I was disgusted that the Star Wars loving buffoons at NBC gave her more lines than Helmsman Sulu. Shame on you NBC! Keep this Star Wars pandering up and you’ll draw the ire of the I Hate Star Wars Club.

Despite my outrage, I hesitate to issue a call to boycott. Will and Grace is almost off the air anyway, and they didn’t actually mention Star Wars in the episode. If I overuse the club’s official boycotts, they may lose their power. For now, I will save my boycotts for more dire emergencies, but I’ll be keeping a very close eye on the situation at NBC. Next time George Takei guest stars on one of their shows, he had better have more lines. Consider yourself warned, peacock network.

Weekday Post #44: Big News About Star Trek 11!

J.J. Abrams revealed today that the new Star Trek movie that he is directing will not be about the youthful adventures of Kirk and Spock. He also chides some unnamed news agencies for incorrectly reporting this rumor as a fact.

“The whole thing was reported entirely without our cooperation,” says the director with a hint of regret. “People learned that I was producing a Star Trek film, that I had an option to direct it, they hear rumours of what the thing was going to be and ran with a story that is not entirely accurate.”

Clearly he is talking about the I Hate Star Wars Club. While I triple check every fact I post on this blog, sometimes mistakes do slip past. (Although when I do make mistakes, I correct them, unlike George Lucas who puts his grotesque mistakes into theaters nationwide.) I cannot adequately express how relieved I am by this news. I could never find peace with the thought of another actor portraying Captain Kirk. After all, they don't call me “William Shatner's #1 Fan” because I loved his work in Miss Congeniality!

Let me just add a personal note to Mr. Abrams. I had my doubts about you, but you are proving yourself to be a decent man. Thank you for not SHATering Shatmeister's enduring legacy by casting another actor in the role of Captain Kirk.

Weekday Post #43: The Rock vs. Samuel L. Jackson

I used to think that The Rock and Samuel L. Jackson were both badass. Both seemed equally capable of taking out the bad guys and getting the job done. That all changed when the two actors showed their true colors by choosing which sci-fi space drama to affiliate themselves with. Samuel L. Jackson chose to “act” in Star Wars while The Rock humbly and appreciatively accepted an opportunity to guest star in an episode of Star Trek: Voyager.

Isn’t it interesting that when he starred in The Mummy Returns, the critics lambasted him for his performance, yet The Rock’s performance on Star Trek: Voyager proved that he is the Academy Award nominated Samuel L. Jackson’s clear superior in the art of acting. Samuel L. Jackson’s performance in Star Wars Episode II was almost as embarrassing as Hayden Christensen’s performance. The Rock, on the other hand, brought a grace and dignity that the small screen hasn’t seen in years to his character. I’ll never understand why he wasn’t cast in a permanent role. I’ll also never understand why Samuel L. Jackson, or any other actor for that matter, would choose to let their good name be forever tarnished with the vile stink of Star Wars.

Weekday Post #42: The Trouble With Sithlord pt 2

Happy May Day, I Hate Star Wars Club members.

Yesterday I received an email from everyone’s least favorite Star Wars goon, Sithlord. While I was loath to hear from him at all, I was pleased that he was emailing me directly because it meant that I had at least scared him enough to dissuade him from further harassing this peaceful blog in the comments section. Normally I would never republish comments from an admitted Star Wars goon, but I wanted to share our exchange with you all so that you could see for yourselves how thoroughly I defeated him in our e-debate. I’m reprinting these comments without Sithlord’s permission, because I simply don’t care enough about him to ask. Let this be a warning to all the Star Wars goons out there: If you ever hassle me or this club, I will make you look like an idiot in front of this blog’s worldwide readership.

Sithlord writes:
Once upon a time, William Shatner decided to be part of a beauty pageant. But then Candice Bergman tricked him and he was only saved by Sandra Bullock being luscious and far more intelligent than the Sh*tmeister could even imagine. Then later, William Shatner racked up gambling debt and was kidnapped by a retard. Once again, he would have died a horrid death if not for the quick wits of the sexy Sandra Bullock.
(Editor’s note: I apologize for the derogatory language in this post. The use of the word ‘retard’ demonstrates that watching Star Wars has turned Sithlord into a heartless and emotionally dead carcass. His bizarre placement of an asterisk over the ‘a’ in ‘Shatmeister’ proves that he is too intellectually weak to even spell properly.)

The moral of the story? William Shatner was lucky to hang out with Sandra Bullock's sexy friend Heather Burns in both movies or he would have died and no one would have cared, because all Sandra Bullock cared about was her sexy friend. Not some fat old moron who can't act!
(Editor’s note: Calling William Shatner a “fat old moron who can’t act” and implying that he was not Sandra Bullock’s primary concern are sure ways to bring the judgment of God upon you. I will sit back and laugh when your house is devastated by a brimstone firestorm!)

William Shatner’s #1 Fan writes:
The I Hate Star Wars Club does not officially recognize the Miss Congeniality movies as William Shatner films. Nice try SithDork!
(Editor’s note: Obviously this statement is not true. The I Hate Star Wars Club values any movie sensible enough to cast history’s greatest living actor in the lead role. I typed this lie merely because it seemed like a good way to shut Sithlord up!)

Sithlord writes:
Sorry William Shatner's #1 DORK but The IMDB is the authority when it comes to who's been in what movie.
(Editor’s note: Notice how uncreative this cretin is. The only insult he could think up to throw at me was the one I had just levied at him. Oh wait, he imaginatively came up with the idea to capitalize it all by himself! I’m SOOOOOO impressed.)

William Shatner’s #1 Fan writes:
You obviously have some agenda against this club, which invalidates everything you just said. I've tracked your IP address to St. Louis, MO and thanks to your persistent harassment neither I, nor anyone who reads this blog will ever visit that suck city again for the rest of our lives! I bet you'll feel bad when your hometown's tourism industry crumbles into a bankrupt shambles next month. You'll probably lose your job at McDonalds because St. Louis will turn into a barren ghost town with no customers to serve. Too bad being a Star Wars goon doesn't pay the bills, sucka!
(Editor’s note: I apologize to any I Hate Star Wars Club members that live in St. Louis. However, I cannot rescind my boycott for your sakes. Any city that harbors Star Wars goons is no friend to the I Hate Star Wars Club. I advise all Missouri residents to move somewhere where the people are more open-minded.)

Sithlord writes:
SithLord is bigger than any one man. We're everywhere. You think Upstate New York doesn't have any "Star Wars Goons?" As we speak, your nieces and nephews have subsonic messages being broadcast to their crib: "Your uncle is a dork. StarTrek is for dorks"
(Editor’s note: I can scarcely believe that a Star Wars goon like Sithlord who doesn’t even know there is a space between the words ‘Star’ and ‘Trek’ could influence anyone, but regrettably, there may be some accuracy to his statement. I fear that Star Wars goons have manipulated my poor impressionable nephews. I’ll explain more in tomorrow’s Weekday Post.)

Your pathetic boycott won't help you! We got Enterprise off the air for sucking, and we got J.J. Abrams to do a StarTrek Prequel! This club will be gone in less than a year!
(Editor’s note: Once again we see Sithlord cribbing my lines instead of actually thinking of something inventive to say. I have long declared that the I Hate Star Wars Club is bigger than one man, and now Sithlord expects us to believe that he coincidentally has the exact same mantra! His jealously of this club is proven by his habit of imitating it.)

William Shatner’s #1 Fan writes:
I'm sure there are other blogs where you could post your ridiculous daydreams. You're just one little punk kid who is scared sh*tless by the might and power that this club wields. You see your pathetic little Star Wars fad quickly fading into obscurity and you're trying to make one last commotion before Star Wars becomes nothing more than an insignificant footnote to a section on “Pokeman the Movie” in a history book detailing the long-forgotten fads of the early 21st century. So go play with your Anakin Skywalker dolly while you can still remember what it is. By this time next year, no one will remember that Star Wars ever existed and all the former Star Wars goons will be dressed in full Starfleet Federation Regalia while they wait in line to see Star Trek XI on opening day.

Incidentally, the Star Wars goons have nothing to do with J.J. Abrams directing Star Trek XI. He is directing that movie in an attempt to make peace with the I Hate Star Wars Club members and to atone for the sin of allowing the fat kid to mention Star Wars in an episode of Lost. Star Wars goons around the nation wept when he announced that he was switching his allegiance to Star Trek. For you to claim credit is both preposterous and proof you live in a state of perpetual denial.
(Editor’s note: I never heard from Sithlord again after sending this email. I think it’s obvious that he realized he was exchanging words with someone of a far greater intellect than himself and ran crying for the hills. I hope that this post marks the end of our Sithlord problems and that we never need to have a post titled “The Trouble With Sithlord pt 3.”)