Weekday Post #64: Star Wars goons Attempt to Regain Control of Lost

Ever since this blog started, Star Wars has been losing cultural relevance and the Star Wars goons are beginning to panic about it. A few weeks ago, this blog successfully convinced Lost creator J.J. Abrams that he should stop using his show to promote Star Wars and turn his talents to more worthwhile endeavors. It took some convincing, but Mr. Abrams soon forsook the Star Wars militia and agreed to direct the eleventh film in the majestic Star Trek film series.

This was a crippling blow to the Star Wars militia.

I suppose it was inevitable that a Star Wars goon would try to reclaim Lost as a champion of the Star Wars cause. It’s a popular show (thanks to me terminating this club’s boycott of it) and the Star Wars goons want nothing more than to believe it is helping convert innocent people into Star Wars goons. Perhaps that’s why a desperate Star Wars goon posted a long-winded and ridiculous theory to a Lost message board suggesting that Lost was still promoting Star Wars.

I could not help but laugh as I read that he believed that the Lost island was symbolic of a swamp planet in Star Wars or that Walt was symbolic of Han Solo’s pathetic spaceship. He also compares the Lost character Michael to Star Wars’s Lando Calrissian for a host of implausible reasons (my guess is that he thinks they are the same since they are both black men who have big roles but not quite leading roles in their respective shows.)

I was just about ready to type in a response to the deplorable Star Wars goon, but I happily discovered that someone beat me to it. Someone named tokyowars absolutely smacked that theory down by saying, “Frankly I don’t see the comparisons [between Star Wars and Lost and you need to shut the hell up!]” Not only that, but he also told the writer to visit this blog to learn the truth about Star Wars and Lost. “I think I might know a blog you might [learn from]. It’s called the I Hate Star Wars Club.” He also posts a link leading directly to one of my posts about Lost and Star Wars so that the feeble-minded Star Wars goon would be sure to see it.

Who is this heretofore-unknown tokyowars? He’s obviously a friend to the club, yet I’ve never encountered him before. A little research into the matter revealed that tokyowars is actually, long-time I Hate Star Wars Club member, Tam. I hadn’t heard from Tam in weeks, so I assumed that Star Wars goons had discovered his identity and killed him. I can’t tell you how thankful I was to discover that he is still alive and helping the club’s work under a clever alias. Thank you for your help, Tam… I mean tokyowars. (Wink wink!)

To those Lost fans who may just be discovering this blog for the first time thanks to tokyowars’s post, I hope you’ll feel welcome and that you’ll make this site your homepage. We are kindred spirits. Whether we watch Lost or Star Trek, we are all united in out hatred for Star Wars.

P.S. I just finished Lost season one on DVD. What is at the bottom of the hatch? My theory is that it’s a Polar Bear Habitat Biodome. By opening it and letting all the hot tropical air in, Locke just pissed off a whole bunch of arctic killers.