Weekend Post #24: Movie Reviews of Over the Hedge and The Da Vinci Code

Hey there, I Hate Star Wars Club Members. As many of you are probably aware, this weekend is the year’s biggest opening for movies. Audiences have two choices of what to see, one movie is a William Shatner fan’s dream come true and the other is a blatant Star Wars commercial only thinly veiled as controversial denouncement of religion. I speak of course, of Over the Hedge and The Da Vinci Code.

Let’s begin on a positive note today and review Over the Hedge. I saw this movie on Friday night and I loved every second of it that featured William Shatner. The rest I could take or leave. My only major complaint about the movie is that it could have used a lot more of William Shatner’s hysterical possum character. Throughout the movie, the possum is required to play dead several times. Each time he “dies,” he utters tragic last words, which Shatner’s magnificent acting makes both funny and poignant. Though I laughed uncontrollably at each of his brilliant lines, I also shed many a tear when my heartstrings were unexpectedly pulled by Shatner’s famous phrase, “Oh my.” It hits me every time.

The most amazing thing about Shatner’s role in the film, is that he plays father to a possum voiced by Avril Lavigne. Though I dabbled briefly with listening to the Ramones in my youth, I am no great fan of punk music and generally consider Avril’s songs a little too hard core for my taste. Thankfully, the director took some of the edge off her extreme personality for her performance as Shatner’s daughter. When I saw her name listed in the opening credits, my mind immediately filled with fears of a possum wearing outlandish outfits that were so punk they hurt and singing songs that make impressionable teenagers want to misbehave and break things. Those fears were unfounded though because her feeble acting skills were so pale in comparison to the magnificent Shatner’s that I barely noticed she was even there.

Now it is my sad duty to report a review of the most recent Star Wars propaganda film, The Da Vinci Code. I haven’t seen the movie or read the book upon which it was based, but I did read about the controversy surrounding the movie on MSNBC and I immediately recognized the telltale signs of subliminal Star Wars posturing. The Da Vinci Code claims that Jesus Christ was not born of Immaculate Conception and that before his crucifixion he married and had a daughter. Obviously, this movie is sacrilegious because it attempt to make people stop worshipping God and start worshipping Anakin Skywalker.

Star Wars goons are undoubtedly preparing to begin a door-to-door campaign to spread their message, much like the Jehovah’s Witnesses and the Mormons. I suspect that it will go a little something like this:

Star Wars goons: [knocks on door]
Homemaker: [opens door] Yes?
Star Wars goons: Hello ma’am, we’re representatives from the Star Wars fan club. We’re in your neighborhood sharing a message of great joy today. Do you have a few spare minutes for us to share this message with you?
Homemaker: No thanks guys. [tries to close door but one of the Star Wars goons has blocked it with his foot]
Star Wars goons: Have you heard of the Da Vinci Code?
Homemaker: [sighs] Yeah.
Star Wars goon: The Da Vinci Code teaches us that Jesus was not born of a virgin and is therefore not special. Do you know who was born of a virgin, ma’am?
Homemaker: Um, no. Listen, I really have to get going—
Star Wars goon: Anakin Skywalker was born to Shmi Skywalker even though she had never known a man.
Homemaker: Really? When the Da Vinci Code came out, I lost all faith that a virgin could miraculously bear children.
Star Wars goons: In these troubled times, many people have lost faith, ma’am. That’s why we’re sharing the knowledge that has made us so happy. Did we mention that Anakin Skywalker had two kids in his secret marriage but Jesus only had one!
Homemaker: So he’s twice as powerful?
Star Wars goons: That’s right ma’am. Now, how many Star Wars movies would you like to buy today?
Homemaker: Ten please!

Granted, the above situation is a worst-case scenario, but I do believe that some weak-minded homemakers might believe the Star Wars goons’ lies. Because of this risk, the I Hate Star Wars Club is officially boycotting The Da Vinci Code. Before you accuse me of believing wild conspiracy theories and being carried away by hype, consider this: the Vatican has also recognized the danger this movie poses and has called for a boycott in an attempt to stop Catholics from leaving the church because of Star Wars. My habit of watching Star Trek reruns on Sunday afternoon does not allow me to attend regular worship services, but I am happy to collaborate with the Vatican in their effort to stamp out Star Wars.

This weekend when you’re standing in line to see Over the Hedge, tell your fellow theater patrons that you’re boycotting The Da Vinci Code because of its Star Wars pandering. Invite them to come with you and enjoy William Shatner’s amazing performance as a possum. If they’re interested, invite them over to your house to watch Star Trek movies with you. If they insist on seeing The Da Vinci Code, tell them to visit this blog afterwards to learn the truth.