Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Weekday Post #73: Copyright Infringement

I got an email from an I Hate Star Wars Club member in Florida today. He sent me this message and photo of his office at work.
Dear William Shatner’s #1 Fan. This is the first time I’ve written to you although I’ve been reading the blog for months. I loved the picture you made in celebration of your 100th post so I took the honor of spicing it up a little with some cool text and I made it my desktop wallpaper at work. Check it out! Peace out. Jeremiah Gunther in Tallahassee. Proud member of the I Hate Star Wars Club.

This is my reply, which I am posting for the entire world to see:

Hi Jeremiah. Thanks for the note and the photo. Hey, I have a question for you. Have you ever heard of intellectual property? No? How about copyright? Haven’t heard of that either, hmmm? Let me spell it out for you: I made that image from a picture of my hand and a fireball image that I found on the internet and therefore I own all copy and distribution rights to it. By simply downloading it, you have violated the terms of service of the I Hate Star Wars Club. By altering it with that stupid text and publishing it to your desktop you have earned yourself the title of honorary Star Wars goon. See you in court, punk.
William Shatner’s #1 Fan

Let this be a warning to everyone reading this blog. Every word, image, and comment on this blog is copyright 2006 to William Shatner’s #1 Fan! You may not use anything from this site without my express written permission! Consider yourselves warned.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Weekday Post #72: Tasha Yar’s #1 Fan on LOST

Hey there, I Hate Star Wars Club members. Tasha Yar’s #1 Fan pointed out a LOST blaspheme that I had forgotten about. She’s absolutely right about it. I think JJ Abrams owes us an apology, or I shall follow Tasha Yar’s #1 Fan’s advice and reestablish the I Hate Star Wars Club’s boycott of LOST. Tasha Yar’s #1 Fan explains it much better than I could so I’ll allow her to make another guest post.
While I deeply respect William Shatner’s #1 Fan’s opinion, as well as his charm and good looks, I’m afraid I need to disagree with him on LOST. It’s true that J.J. Abrams has agreed to direct Star Trek 11, and that can atone for his “Jedi Moment” propaganda early in Season 1, but nothing can atone for episode 11 of the series where Boone and Locke are looking for the pregnant girl (there’s too many characters to remember everybody’s name, people!), Boone starts talking about the “red shirt phenomenon” on Star Trek. Typically, the so called extras are wearing red shirts, and viewers can rest easy that their favorite captain will not be killed, “so long as a red shirt is around.” I enjoyed the philosophical conversation up to this point, but then Locke uttered something so blasphemous I tremble to repeat it here. He said, “Red shirts die? That doesn’t sound like a very good captain.” How DARE anyone make fun of Captain Kirk? Captain Kirk is the pinnacle of gentle and wise leadership. If Captain Kirk were on the island, The Others would all be begging him for diplomatic (and romantic) relations. That doctor guy just bumbles around talking big. If he didn’t know how to read the prescription label on a few left over bottles on the plane, nobody would even know his name! I propose that we begin anew the LOST boycott until Captain Kirk gets better treatment!

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Weekend Post #30: Obese Star Wars Goons

Last night when I was riding the subway, I saw a big fat guy wearing a Star Wars t-shirt with an oversize picture of Darth Maul on it. His hideous man-boobs were distorting Darth Maul’s horns and face into a disgusting sagging fold of belly fat. I knew that the only reason this man wanted to be obese was so he could keep wearing the Darth Maul shirt, which would have hung like a beach towel off a normal sized person.

I knew this man needed my help, but he was so involved with his iPod (which undoubtedly was playing some horrendous John Williams score) that he didn’t even acknowledge me when I tried to get his attention. Realizing that the situation called for drastic measures, I clenched my ass cheeks and pushed out an unnaturally foul bit of flatulence. I wanted to make the man’s shirt stink so much that in the future that he wouldn’t want to wear it anymore and would switch to Star Trek uniforms. Unfortunately, the train already smelled so strongly of various scatological aromas that my powerful fart went largely unnoticed, save by the old lady who hit me with her umbrella and called me a pig.

Sadly, the gargantuan Star Wars goon got off at the next stop before I could even speak to him. If we ever chance to meet again, I swear that I will help him. As a large man myself, I can testify that Federation Star Fleet Attire looks much better on an oversize body than stupid Star Wars T-shirts!

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Weekend Post #29: Meet Tasha Yar’s #1 Fan

Hey, I Hate Star Wars Club members. It is my honor to day to introduce this blog’s first guest poster, Tasha Yar’s #1 Fan. Please show her the same respect and admiration that you’ve always showed me.
Hey everybody, I met William Shatner’s #1 Fan while playing the Star Trek RPG after our Cyber Horizon Club's meeting. We hit it off right away and he’s agreed to let me make a post. First of all, I want to express my deep honor to be associated with our clubs founder. Thanks to The De Shatner Code, he was able to identify me as a club member. My deep understanding of the RPG as well as my extensive dice collection eventually gained his trust and I’m honored to call him my friend. Though, he is JUST a friend. Our relationship is strictly plutonic.

Anyway, I don’t want to talk about my life. As WS#1F has said, this blog is about destroying Star Wars, not talking about my problems. I want to talk about Tasha Yar. Though her life was short lived, it was truly extraordinary. Beginning her life on a horrible planet with gangs, constant civil war, and terrorist assaults, she was able to escape that life and eventually became Chief of Security on the Federation flag ship. Unfortunately, her death by the tar monster came much too soon. Fortunately, we were able to see the hottest guest star the show ever had, Tasha’s little sister (I’m not gay like Luke Skywalker; I just think she’s pretty). Later, thanks to Guinan, we find out that through a time travel event Tasha Yar was sent back in time 30 years and served aboard the Enterprise C where she was captured by Romulans and eventually mothered the first Human/Romulan child who later appeared to Picard trying to force a war with the Klingons.

Compare that with Natalie Portman’s character Padme. She… was born into a royal family presumably… Then, she used her royal connections to be elected to the galactic senate… And then she… Made kissy face with some dorky looking loser (not dreamy like Riker, or my future boyfriend WS#1F) and died alone on some miserable planet, and the only person who cared was James Earl Jones doing the worst acting of his career. He sounded like that famous soccer guy.

Evil Emperor: It would seem that you killed her.

Clearly, Tasha Yar is a better babe than Padme. As William Shatner’s #1 Fan would say, never let anyone tell you that Star Trek and Star Wars are the same because they have a good looking girl in it again.

This is Tasha Yar’s #1 Fan. Until next time, viewer off.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Weekday Post #71: Playground Joke for the Kidz pt 5

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Star Wars
Star Wars who?
Star Wars hasn't had half as many movies as Star Trek! That means it's half as good!

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Weekday Post #70: 100 Posts - 100 Reasons Why Star Wars Sucks

Hey there, I Hate Star Wars Club members! Today is obviously a special day since it marks the 100th post for the I Hate Star Wars Club Official Blog! I never thought, I’d actually write this many posts, primarily because I thought Star Wars would be destroyed by about my 10th post. Nevertheless, I am pleased with my incredible accomplishment.

Not only is this my 100th post, it is also my first from the computer lab at Borough of Manhattan Community College. Students can use photoshop for free so I took advantage of the opportunity to create a little graphic that I call, “The Power of Shat” (as in Shatner or Shatman).

The fireball is symbolic of the power of the this club and the fist is representative of the last thing Star Wars goons will ever see when I unleash my vengeance upon them.

Incidentally, that is my hand in the photo (you may recognize it from my much beloved profile picture) and yes, SHAT is written in permanent marker. That’s like getting a tattoo! And there’s nothing that I will be prouder to carry on my hand for the rest of my life then the name of my idol, the very man for whom I have humbly written these 100 posts, William Shatner.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Weekday Post #69: A “Capitol” Idea

I recently overheard someone on the subway say that congress is working to create a ban on flag burning. Normally, I don’t care about politics because it is boring and stupid, but this statement gave me a great idea. Congress wants to ban flag burning because it hurts the children of America. Surely then, they should embrace the idea of banning other things that hurt America’s youth… like Star Wars!

Easily impressionable young people whose minds have not fully developed might believe that it’s okay to criticize this country if they see a flag engulfed in flames. Likewise, they might believe that it’s okay to be stupid if they see Star Wars for sale at the store. These are both urgent issues that require our lawmaker’s immediate attention.

The I Hate Star Wars Club officially calls for a constitutional amendment barring the sale or existence of any Star Wars paraphernalia. All Star Wars DVDs, toys, so-called books, VHS tapes, and those stupid laser disc things from the 80s are to be collected by National Guardsmen and Volunteer Militia and Minutemen and burned in a giant bonfire at Skywalker Ranch. Heavy fines will be imposed on anyone who mentions the words “Star Wars” within fifty years after the bonfire so that the memory of those films may fade unimpeded from our society’s collective consciousness. The government shall encourage post-bonfire viewings of Star Trek movies, although they shall not be required because it is imperative that free speech be preserved.

I need every member of the I Hate Star Wars Club and anyone else who is concerned about the lowering IQ in America to sign this blog’s comments section as an online petition. I will send all the signatures to Congress so that anti-Star Wars legislation can begin as quickly as possible. Please don’t write anything but your name because I’m busy reading this book (which as you all know is AWESOME!) so I don’t really have the time or the interest in reading anything beyond that.