Weekday Post #68: The Mark of the Beast = Star Wars

Greetings to the I Hate Star Wars Club members who are brave enough to peak out from under the covers and venture onto the internet on this most evil of days, 06/06/06. Although I am not a particularly religious man, I do know that The Book of Revelations predicted that this day would come when a great wickedness flourished on the Earth. While banished on the Isle of Patmos, John the Revelator was told that no one would be able to “buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name.” He goes on to say that the number is “six hundred threescore and six.” Since people haven’t used the word score for at least 200 years, (I think Abraham Lincoln was the last one ever to utter it) I’ll define it for you. It means June 6, 2006.

The question of the beast’s identity has plagued scholars for centuries. I’m no Biblical expert, but I think John was warning us about Star Wars, nearly 1,900 years before its release. This may sound shocking to some people but I am confident that it is true. John warns us that Beast will be identified by the number six, repeated three times. This is a Da Vinci style code signifying Star Wars. It’s quite simple really; there were six Star Wars films that were released in groups of three. Six and three… plain as day.

John tells us that we will need the mark of the beast to buy and sell. Ignoramuses reading this blog may wonder how that relates to Star Wars, even though the answer is painfully obvious. Star Wars has tried to take over the world’s commodities market and make it impossible to exchange money and goods without their mark. I speak of course of the Star Wars credit cards issued by VISA and MasterCard. We all know it is impossible to buy things without credit cards and the Star Wars militia wants to make sure that you’re carrying a card that bears their mark in your hand or—for some demented reason—on your forehead. (Don’t ask me… John the Revelator is the one who foresaw it.)

Star Wars logos and themes have also appeared on gift cards. What kind of a gift is that? I should hope that no one I know would give the gift of damnation! For John prophesizes that any man [that] receive[s] [the beast’s] mark in his forehead, or in his hand… shall be tormented with fire and brimstone.” In other words, if you carry a method of payment that features the Star Wars logo, you’ll get your ass stomped Shatner-style!