Weekday Post #65: I Reply to Your Email

In the past two days, I have received a ton of email from people that focus primarily on two subjects.

First, is my post about the obviously fake Picard Blog. Several people accused me of flaming it or trying to start what they call a “flame war.” Forgive me for not being hip to your 14-year-old myspace.com lingo, but I have no idea what flaming is and I frankly don’t care. I have better things to worry about, like destroying Star Wars through an onslaught of vicious blog posts. To answer the concerns of the emailers, I will just say this: Whether the author is a Star Wars goon or not—and I maintain there is ample evidence to prove that he is—he is merely pretending to be Captain Picard. I however, choose not to hide behind a mask of fanciful make-believe. I call myself William Shatner’s #1 Fan because that is who I am! The difference between this so-called Picard and I is as simple as the difference between lies and truth.

Second, is my ongoing series of Playground Jokes for the Kidz. I have received dozens, if not hundreds of emails from I Hate Star Wars Club members and Star Wars goons alike advising me (with various levels of tact) to get a better spellchecker because the proper spelling of the plural form of kid is K-I-D-S. I can’t believe that I actually have to explain myself here but apparently my readers are so accustomed to this blog’s unsullied reputation for perfect spelling that even the slightest misappropriation of letters sends them into hysterics. To answer your many questions: Yes, I know the word is spelled wrong. I intentionally spelled it wrong so that children could see that I am hip to their unique vernacular (even though I believe that it’s corrupting the English language). Believe me, I cringe every time I type in kidz with a ‘z,’ but it is a sacrifice required to prove that I am an authority figure the “kidz” can trust because I alone truly understand them.

I am dedicated to destroying Star Wars, whether that means calling out fake blogs that pretend to promote Star Trek while really advancing the Star Wars agenda or lowering myself to talk with children in overly simplistic terms that their feeble “minds” can understand. Send me angry emails all you like. It won’t hinder my life’s work; this club has too much momentum and too much drive to succeed. It is unstoppable.