Weekend Post #25: A Warning for all Club Members: The Picard Blog is a Fake

Attention I Hate Star Club members! I have recently discovered a blog that claims to be written by Captain Jean Luke Picard of the USS Enterprise. When I first heard of the blog, I figured it was nothing more than harmless fan fiction written from a first person perspective. However, after reading two or three sentences I began to detect an aura of Star Wars goonery. Further reading confirmed that suspicion. The Jean Luke Picard blog is nothing more than a front for a Star Wars goon attempt to discredit the Star Trek franchise.

Don’t believe me? Take a look at this example in which Captain Picard and Commander Riker discuss a potential change in Riker’s assignment. The scene takes place as Riker enters the room shortly after Picard and a fictional character, Lieutenant Sinclair of Starfleet Resources, have discussed transferring Riker to a Star Fleet Garbage Scow.

“What was that all about?” he (Riker) asks.“Just talking about the level of personel (sic), Number One.” I (Picard) say, “Did you want anything?”

“Only to say I’ve had another message saying I’m on the shortlist for a Captaincy on a small transport ship.” he says, “I don’t know who keeps filling them in. I won’t go for the interview, as I’d like the Captaincy here too much.”

“I wonder who fills them out?” I say innocently, “Maybe some day your chance here will come?”

What a great comedic exchange. Or is it? Let’s take a closer look at what is going on in this blog. Commander Riker is seeking to usurp power from Captain Picard who is in turn trying to have Riker deported to a low-level Captaincy for which he is vastly overqualified onboard a ship with such ghastly working conditions that he would probably be dead within four months. Not so funny anymore, is it.

In the real Star Trek Universe, Captain Picard and Commander Riker are close friends. Neither would ever dream of betraying the other. Nor does Star Fleet have any ship in service, even garbage scows, that don’t meet their highest safety requirements. I wonder what movie features friends that betray each other and perilously designed spacecraft? Could it be Star Wars?

In Star Wars, Anakin Skywalker wants to be on the Jedi council, but Obi Wan, his so-called friend, won’t let him. To get rid of him, Obi Wan then sends Anakin on a babysitting mission to protect some bimbo who uses the dark art of seduction to turn him to evil, which ultimately leads to his death. To sum up, the second in command wants the power so the first in command sends him on a dangerous mission to dispose of him. Sound familiar? It’s the same story the Star Wars goon behind the Jean Luke Picard blog is using in his pitiful attempt to create doubt about the remarkable bond that Star Trek characters share.

This brings me to another issue with the blog, the hazardous garbage scow. Allow me to quote from the blog’s description of this fictional ship, the Candide. The scene takes place as Riker is interviewing for the captaincy with Admiral Gordon (another fictional character) of Star Fleet command.

The Admiral [says], “This job is for the Captaincy of the Candide.”

“The Candide?” I ask, “Isn’t that the garbage vessel that takes rubbish and scrap to the Forbidden Zone?”

“Got it in one, sonny”

“What happened to the last Captain?” I inquire.

“He died from radiation poisoning?” Gordon answers.

“I heard he only started four months ago.”

“That’s right” Gordon informs me without blinking, “The Candide has ahm.... a fast turnover of crew members. What it carries can have an amount of radioactivity in it. Still, you get used to it while you’re there. It has good medical facilities when you start to feel ill.”

First and foremost, Star Fleet is concerned about the health and safety of every crew member. All Star Fleet garbage vessels are equipped with standard radiation shields that protects the crew from harmful energy. That the writer of this blog missed this well-known and obvious fact is easily enough to implicate him as a Star Wars goon, but the connection is made even more obvious by the foolishly designed ships in Star Wars.

In Star Wars Episode II, the character Padme falls out of a spaceship into a desert because, get this, it doesn’t have any walls or seatbelts. Only a Star Wars goon could admire that ridiculous design enough to image a transport ship that carries radioactive material without the proper safeguards installed.

On a side note, this blog portrays Admiral Gordon as using the word “sonny” a lot. Dialogue like that is so bad that it reminds me a Star Wars battle droid.

I strongly advise all member of the I Hate Star Wars Club to avoid the Jean Luke Picard blog as devoutly as you avoid Star Wars movies themselves. Don’t be fooled by the powerful allure of fan fiction about your favorite characters; that blog is nothing more than Star Wars propaganda.