Weekday Post #23: The DaShatner Code

I get email all the time from I Hate Star Wars Club members wanting to meet me. Unfortunately, I am forced to keep my identity a secret even from club members due to the ever present threat of the Star Wars militia. Please understand that I wish that we could all meet together (if they ever built a convention center big enough to hold us all) and that I could shake each one of your hands but I simply can’t afford to take the risk of letting the Star Wars goons discover who I am. Only my family knows my true identity, and quite frankly, I’m not even sure I can trust them. (They aren’t as devoted to the club as they should be.

However, as you all know, I never disappoint my fans and that is why I am so happy to introduce a new and secure method for I Hate Star Wars Club members to communicate with me secretly, The DaShatner Code. By using The DaShatner Code, you can talk to me freely without worrying that a Star Wars goon will intercept our conversation and discover my identity, which would risk the very existence of the club.

My profession gives me the unique opportunity to personally call private residences across the nation. The trouble is, you never know if it’s me calling so it’s impossible to chat with me on a personal basis. Thankfully, The DaShatner Code solves this problem. Every time a telemarketer calls you, interrupt him or her by proclaiming The DaShatner Code secret phrase, “Death to Star Wars! Long Live Star Trek!” If I am the telemarketer calling you, I will know you are a club member and we can chat. If I’m not the telemarketer, you will have helped spread the word to the person calling you, who will in turn tell the other people he or she calls about the club.

This could also be a great way for I Hate Star Wars Club members to meet. If the telemarketer is a club member, saying The DaShatner Code secret message will allow the two of you to discuss the many ways in which Star Wars sucks. You may strike up a new friendship or even meet that special someone. (Fingers crossed!)

Some of you might be worried that the Star Wars militia might read this blog and discover the key for unlocking The DaShatner Code. Thankfully, Star Wars goons are too stupid to remember the cryptic secret phrase because years of Star Wars viewing has disintegrated their brains. Because you have to say the secret phrase perfectly to identify yourself as a club member, I’m not worried about them fooling me. After all, these people believe that Anakin Skywalker represents the pinnacle of human intellectual achievement and he’s an idiot! I can’t imagine how dumb his followers must be.