Weekday Post #19: A “Novel” Idea

I get email all the time from people who praise my skillful writing on this blog and ask if I’m ever going to write a novel. Had these people bothered to read my introductory post, they would have known that I am in fact writing a Star Trek novel. It’s an adventure about Captain Kirk flying around the galaxy and kicking ass wherever he finds evil doers. He also has a hot love scene with a space babe who looks a lot like a chick at work who sits three cubicles down but doesn’t ever talk to me. Unfortunately, the novel won’t be finished for a few months. There’s lots of proofreading to do and I still have to re-watch several old episodes of Star Trek to research Kirk’s make-out technique. (I want it to be as realistic as possible!)

A lot of I Hate Star Wars members want me to write an entire novel in which Kirk lays the smack down on Star Wars characters. Believe me, I would love to! But the publishing companies would never print such a book because of “copyright infringement” or some such nonsense. The only way you could publish such a story would be on the internet, which means that it would be classified as “fan fiction.” No offense to the people who write the stuff, but fan fiction is not canonical and I loath the thought that my tale of Kirk’s escapades should be considered outside the realm of plausibility.

But don’t fret! I’m not going to leave my millions of fans unsatisfied. Eagle-eyed I Hate Star Wars club member may have noticed that I have been experimenting with intermittently publishing a short story on this blog. This story is called “The Trouble with Tribbles” and has appeared in two installments. The third and final episode of the story will appear on Saturday. But that’s not all the exciting news! I will also be premiering a new short story on this blog called “The Star Wars Curse.” The three chapters will be released in quick succession on Thursday, Friday, and Sunday.

Those of you who prefer that I attack Star Wars blatantly and avoid the graceful subtlety of allusion, metaphor, subtext, and representational symbolism need not fear; the I Hate Star Wars Club will return to its normal style of relentless assault on Star Wars starting Monday of next week. However, the I Hate Star Wars Club seeks to attract both laymen and academia so you can definitely expect to see more allegorical attacks on Star Wars as I continue to demonstrate my unique gift for prose in future posts. And if you’re worried that the Star Wars novel writers are going to out-write me, HA! Don’t make me laugh. A one-sentence story about Kirk scratching an itch on his butt is more interesting than all the Star Wars novels combined!