Weekend Post #7: The Trouble With Novell

Those of you who subscribe to this blog’s Atom feed so that you can know the instant that new content is online may have noticed what appeared to be a few typographical errors in the initial publication of a few posts. (They’re not there anymore so don’t bother looking for them. I fix my mistakes, unlike George Lucas who puts his grotesque mistakes into theaters nationwide.) Eagle-eyed I Hate Star Wars Club members may have noticed that quotation marks, apostrophes, and other punctuation marks originally appeared as asterisks, question marks, or little square boxes like this ‪‪‪‬‪‬□.

It all started when my asshole boss had my internet access at work blocked so that I couldn’t log into Blogger.com to make my posts. She claimed that writing the blog entries was interfering with my productivity—but the truth is, she’s a Star Wars fanatic (or “aficionado” as she likes to say) and she was trying to sabotage the I Hate Star Wars Club.

I let her think that she had won the battle, but I had a secret weapon up my sleeve. Everyone who writes a blog knows that Blogger.com allows bloggers to email posts to their sites. I signed her stupid “Employee Disciplinary Form” with a solemn look on my face but with laughter in my heart because I knew her efforts to thwart my mission would prove to be as pathetic as the ridiculous Force wielded by the weakling Jedi that she so admires.

I returned to my cubicle and immediately starting writing an entry for the blog. After perfecting it with my patented ideal mix of wry humor and devastating blows to Star Wars I mailed it off thinking that all was well. That evening when I got home I discovered that the post had been online for over six hours with several errors in it. None of the punctuation had published correctly. I hurried and fixed it because I knew that the errors were exactly the sort of thing that the Star Wars Militia would just love to use in attempt to discredit me. I thought the errors were a one-time fluke—but it happened again the next day.

Faced with this new dilemma, I asked myself WWKD? I decided to experiment with the strange phenomenon to see if I could determine the true nature of the quandary. I sent a post to my blog from my Gmail account and it worked fine. Obviously, the problem lay with my work email: Novell GroupWise.

For those of you lucky enough to have never worked with it, GroupWise is a SUCK program. I think the problem is that Novell is all into Linux, which is a computer program that sucks so hard that they can’t even compete with Microsoft when they give it away! Honestly, who wants to use a program that can’t tell the difference between an apostrophe and a little square box?

Novell and Linux have the same problem as Star Wars. They messed with perfection and created something hideous. Just as Star Wars perverted the pure space drama ideals that Gene Roddenberry created with Star Trek, so too have Novell and their Linux goons corrupted computers that ran flawlessly using Bill Gates’ Microsoft products. I swear that I wouldn’t have had the trouble with the punctuation if I had been using a real email program like Outlook.

I guarantee you that they do not use Novell or retarded Linux in Star Trek. Look how well the computers on that show work; Microsoft all the way, baby! It’s the software choice of the U.S.S. Enterprise, the United Federation of Planets, and the I Hate Star Wars Club! The Millennium Falcon probably uses Novell and Linux. HA! SUCKERS! That would explain why that ship sucks so hard!