Weekend Post #6: Has ABC “Lost” Its Mind?

Yesterday this guy that I used to think was my friend recommended a show to me called Lost. It is apparently very popular. He said it was so good that it was like a modern-day Star Trek. That should have been my first clue that he was ignorant. Star Trek: Enterprise is a modern-day Star Trek! (At least it was until the morons at the UPN cancelled it.)

His big thing was going on and on about how complex the characters on Lost were and how the sexual tension between Jack and Kate was almost as good as it was between Kirk and Uhura. (YEAH RIGHT!!!) Normally I don’t waste my time with anything on TV unless its Star Trek, but for some reason, I decided to give Lost a try and see if finally a TV show could earn the privilege of being considered my 2nd favorite show.

I watched the first couple of episodes. They’re okay, but nothing special. I think that a lot of people were amazed to find out that there was a polar bear on the island but I just yawned when I saw that because Captain Kirk dealt with stranger things than that on every planet he visited. But I’m willing to forgive the show for not being as cool as Star Trek because I know that’s not possible anyway. I don’t think it’s fair to set the bar impossibly high.

As I was watching I realized that I was missing a rerun of Star Trek but for the first time ever I thought, “I’ve seen it about a dozen times.” I’m ashamed to admit that I was interested enough in Lost to forsake my first love; I didn’t watch the Star Trek episode. But don’t worry fellow I Hate Star Wars Club members—I shan’t be making that mistake again. For I quickly realized that Lost was nothing more than a Star Wars propaganda machine.

It happened while I was watching the 2nd DVD at 2:00 AM last night. When the doctor guy helped the blonde chick with her asthma, the big fat kid said, “Wow, man. That was awesome. I mean that was like a Jedi moment.” I have never been so pissed off in my life. I took out the stupid DVD and threw it across the room. There was NOTHING Jedi-ish about that moment. I wanted to scream, “That was a Captain Kirk moment you fat piece of crap!” I could have maybe forgiven the fat kid if he said it was a “Bones” McCoy moment because at least Bones was a doctor, but a ‘Jedi moment’? Please! The only Jedi-ish moment on the show was Jack crying like a little girl in the jungle. He’s as big of a pansy as Anakin Skywalker.

I am calling on all I Hate Star Wars Club members to boycott Lost for blatant Star Wars promotion. Just look at these Lost shirts to see how obvious the Star Wars advertisements are. We'll use the comments section as a petition to have Lost removed from the air. We need to let ABC know that we are not going to take their crap anymore!

Some of you Doubting Thomas types may be thinking, “True, it was a Captain Kirk moment and not a Jedi moment, but is it really such a big deal?” Yes! It is a big deal and I’ll tell you why. Lost is full of little clues that the geektoid fans like to research on the Internet because they have nothing better to do. Lost fans, or the geek patrol as I like to call them, Google search every line that the characters utter hoping to discover the next big clue that will give them 13 seconds of fame on a Lost message board. (Imagine the good that those people could do if they would turn their analytical attention to Star Trek! We’d probably have transporter technology by now!)

Here’s the problem with the Jedi referral. Imagine an innocent girl (by innocent I mean having a mind that is unpolluted with Star Wars filth) who hears the fat guy mention Jedi. Not knowing any better, the girl will go to the Internet and search for information on Jedi. Despite my best efforts at manipulating the Google searches, the I Hate Star Wars Club Official Blog is not the first result on a Google search for Jedi, which means that the girl might discover that there is a whole movie series about Jedi. If she chooses to view these movies, not only will precious hours from her life be wasted but also her innocence will be forever lost. (Excuse the pun.) That’s why this boycott is necessary. We must fight for those who cannot fight for themselves. We must put an end to Lost.

Those of you worried that canceling Lost would prevent you from learning all of the show’s secrets, allow me to spoil the “big surprise ending.” Everyone on the island is going to get rescued and say that the first thing they want to do is have a big slumber party together and watch a Star Wars marathon. That’s exactly the sort of crap I would expect from the Star Wars loving buffoons at ABC. I have dedicated the better part of my adult life to fighting the Star Wars Militia. I know how the enemy works. So believe me, when I say something is a thinly veiled Star Wars commercial, I know what I’m talking about.

You can help the cause. The next time you hear coworkers discussing Lost around the water cooler, tell them the truth about the show’s hidden Star Wars agenda. Tell them about Star Trek and how their lives won’t be complete without it. Try using the techniques that I discussed yesterday. People will be thankful to you for helping them.