Weekday Post #17: Cures People of Star Wars Addictions Easy as “Clockwork”

I get emails all the time from people wondering how to deal with coworkers who are fans of Star Wars. Telling someone that you have to work with every day that they are wasting their lives on a stupid movie can be a delicate situation because it could lead to an uncomfortable work environment. While most Star Wars fans will convert to Star Trek once you introduce it to them, there will always be the sad few who will resist the better show because they are members of the Star Wars militia.

Let me tell you about how I handled this situation in my workplace. As most of you know, I am a telemarketer. I have a coworker named Steve who sits in the cubicle across the isle from me. He has a little doll of Yoda (the ridiculous bouncing Jedi from the Star Wars franchise) on his desk. He delights in telling everyone at the office that he got a new Toyota. When they ask what color it is, he says “GREEN” and points at his Yoda dolly while saying “Get it? Toyota? Toy Yoda!” He always laughs at his stupid joke. Puns are bad enough, but Star Wars puns are more than I can handle.

So here’s what I do. Every morning I walk by his desk when he’s on the phone with someone and I fart as loud as I can. Mom’s favorite recipe is stuffed cabbage so believe me, my farts are RIPE! I love watching him cringe in the stench as he tries to hide the repulsion in his voice from the old Grandma he’s on the phone with. When he finally gets off the phone and yells that I need to watch where I drop my stink bombs I yell back, “They don’t stink as much as Star Wars!”

I call this the technique The Clockwork Orange Method (only difference: flatulence instead of violent movies) and I’d recommend it to anyone who works with a Star Wars fan. Every time the dude wants to watch Star Wars he will remember your pungent anal fumes and be overcome with nausea, which will quickly cure him of his addiction. People may want to beat you up at first and chicks may refuse to date you, but this procedure is so effective that you can expect a flood of thank you cards from new Star Trek fans after just a few days.