Weekday Post #20: The Star Wars Curse pt 1

One day, Natalie Portman wanted to get some acting work. She applied all over Hollywood but no one ever called her back for auditions. After hours of badgering agents and producers, the director of a commercial for Barky Chow Dog Food agreed to let her audition for the role of “Female hands that pour the dog food.”

Natalie rushed strait over to the set, hopeful that this would be her big break. When she got there, the director of the commercial read her resume and said, “Oh yes, I thought I recognized your name. Sorry, you’re not a good enough actress for this role.”

Natalie was stunned. “How can you say that?” she asked. “I haven’t even auditioned yet.”

The director held out her resume and used his cigar to point out Star Wars: Episode I. “I’ve seen you in this… movie. Quite frankly, you have absolutely no acting talent.”

Natalie started to cry because that is what every director told her. Through her sobs she said, “It’s true that I was terrible in Phantom Menace,” she didn’t notice that the director cringed at the title, “but didn’t you see Garden State? I was good in that.”

The director did his best to hide his repulsion as he made an unbelievably empathetic gesture by laying a comforting hand on Natalie’s shoulder. “You were tolerable in Garden State.” He tasted bile at the lie. “However, your acting in Star Wars caused me severe emotional distress.”

Natalie wailed, “Please forgive me! I was young and foolish! It was just the one time!”

The director withdrew his hand, promising himself that he would wash it, if not cut it off, as soon as the wretch was out of his office. “It wasn’t just the one time, Natalie,” he said. “You starred in three of those vile films. You had a line in the third movie, ‘Hold me like you did by the lake at Naboo.’ It was so bad it hurt me.”

Natalie tried to stammer a defense, but the director held up his hand to silence her. “I’m sorry, Natalie,” he said. “Some scars can never be healed. Now get out of my office or else I’ll be forced to call the attack dogs.”

Natalie fled from the office in tears; she never worked in Hollywood again.