Weekday Post #53: Enough with the Personal Stories, Already!

I realize today that I have dedicated far too much space on this precious blog to discussing my personal problems. This blog is not a MySpace page. People don’t come here expecting to read some whining kid complaining about how nobody likes him while a lame emo song plays in the background. This blog is about hating Star Wars and destroying it through vicious attacks. Describing how the Star Wars goons usurped control over my family probably served only to boost their ego and bolster their excitement for future attacks. In hindsight, I wish I hadn’t published that story. Unfortunately, blogging etiquette forbids me from deleting regrettably posts.

Being kicked out of my house really helped me sort out my priorities. I am reaffirming my commitment to making sure this blog is the best resource on the internet for reading daily content featuring attacks on Star Wars, jokes at Star Wars’ expense, exposés on the many lies of George Lucas, and short stories in which Anakin Skywalker gets his ass stomped by a tribble.

I will never mention my family on this blog again. To mark the occasion, allow to share the following story, which blends my unfortunate decision to share my personal problems with my skill for demonstrating Star Trek’s superiority in all things.

One day, my brother, my sister-in-law, and my mother were all walking down the street to go see Star Wars at a movie theater. They all were laughing because they thought I was stupid. Just then, a taxicab stopped at the curb near them. The window opened and they all saw me sitting in the backseat with a tribble on my lap. I glared at them and said, “So you think I’m stupid do you?” The tribble yelled, “Whatever sucka!” and leapt from the taxicab and began to stomp all their asses. All of my family started to cry and beg me for forgiveness. They said, “We’re so sorry, William Shatner’s #1 Fan! You were right the whole time! We were stupid for liking Star Wars! We’ve learned our lesson, please make the tribble stop stomping our asses!” I just laughed, “You punks have learned your lesson when I say you’ve learned your lesson!” Thus, my stubborn family finally learned that Star Wars ruins lives. Too bad they had to learn the hard way.