Weekday Post #48: The Star Wars goons’ Assault on My Family

I’ve received a ton of email from I Hate Star Wars Club Members who wanted to know how my visit to my brother’s house in upstate New York went last weekend. Obviously, I’ve been avoiding the subject because I didn’t want to talk about it, but I realize now that it’s not fair to hide the truth from you. There’s no easy way to say this so I’ll just get right to the point. Somehow, the Star Wars goons must have found out my true identity and used that information to attack and convert my brother’s family to their evil ways. My subtle efforts to help my foolish family realize their grievous error and return to Star Trek fandom have resulted in a change of living arrangement for me and a relocation of the I Hate Star Wars Club’s official headquarters. My mom gave me a week to “pack up my Star Trek crap and move out.” She didn’t really say “crap,” though. I edited her harsh language so that this blog would continue its long-standing tradition of being a family-safe web destination.

Though my brother denies direct Star Wars goon involvement, I am smart enough to recognize their handiwork when I see it. They clearly thought that this below-the-belt assault on my weak-minded family would hurt me so much that I would quit writing this blog. Somewhere in St. Louis, I imagine Sithlord laughing with delight right now. Well, I’ve got bad news for you, Sithloser! Your role model, Anakin Skywalker, may have taught you to buckle and weep like a pansy whenever faced with adversity, but my role model is Captain James Tiberius Kirk so adversity only makes me stronger! Pay attention Star Wars goons. I’m going to say this really simply so that your pathetically feeble minds can somewhat comprehend my meaning. Your little stunt marks the beginning of the end for you. The I Hate Star Wars Club will swiftly find its vengeance. My family, and every other family on Earth will soon be unfaltering Star Trek fans who will mercilessly hunt you in the gutters and alleys where you hide. I suggest you surrender yourselves now because for each day that you hide, I will stomp your ass twice as hard.

As a public service, I will be using this blog to tell the sad story of my family’s downfall so that readers can recognize the warning signs of Star Wars conversion in their own families and stop the Star Wars goons before its too late. To my faithful readers: fear not, this blog will never yield to the terrorism of the Star Wars goons. It will continue until Star Wars is destroyed and whether or not my family celebrates my victory with me is inconsequential.