Weekday Post #42: The Trouble With Sithlord pt 2

Happy May Day, I Hate Star Wars Club members.

Yesterday I received an email from everyone’s least favorite Star Wars goon, Sithlord. While I was loath to hear from him at all, I was pleased that he was emailing me directly because it meant that I had at least scared him enough to dissuade him from further harassing this peaceful blog in the comments section. Normally I would never republish comments from an admitted Star Wars goon, but I wanted to share our exchange with you all so that you could see for yourselves how thoroughly I defeated him in our e-debate. I’m reprinting these comments without Sithlord’s permission, because I simply don’t care enough about him to ask. Let this be a warning to all the Star Wars goons out there: If you ever hassle me or this club, I will make you look like an idiot in front of this blog’s worldwide readership.

Sithlord writes:
Once upon a time, William Shatner decided to be part of a beauty pageant. But then Candice Bergman tricked him and he was only saved by Sandra Bullock being luscious and far more intelligent than the Sh*tmeister could even imagine. Then later, William Shatner racked up gambling debt and was kidnapped by a retard. Once again, he would have died a horrid death if not for the quick wits of the sexy Sandra Bullock.
(Editor’s note: I apologize for the derogatory language in this post. The use of the word ‘retard’ demonstrates that watching Star Wars has turned Sithlord into a heartless and emotionally dead carcass. His bizarre placement of an asterisk over the ‘a’ in ‘Shatmeister’ proves that he is too intellectually weak to even spell properly.)

The moral of the story? William Shatner was lucky to hang out with Sandra Bullock's sexy friend Heather Burns in both movies or he would have died and no one would have cared, because all Sandra Bullock cared about was her sexy friend. Not some fat old moron who can't act!
(Editor’s note: Calling William Shatner a “fat old moron who can’t act” and implying that he was not Sandra Bullock’s primary concern are sure ways to bring the judgment of God upon you. I will sit back and laugh when your house is devastated by a brimstone firestorm!)

William Shatner’s #1 Fan writes:
The I Hate Star Wars Club does not officially recognize the Miss Congeniality movies as William Shatner films. Nice try SithDork!
(Editor’s note: Obviously this statement is not true. The I Hate Star Wars Club values any movie sensible enough to cast history’s greatest living actor in the lead role. I typed this lie merely because it seemed like a good way to shut Sithlord up!)

Sithlord writes:
Sorry William Shatner's #1 DORK but The IMDB is the authority when it comes to who's been in what movie.
(Editor’s note: Notice how uncreative this cretin is. The only insult he could think up to throw at me was the one I had just levied at him. Oh wait, he imaginatively came up with the idea to capitalize it all by himself! I’m SOOOOOO impressed.)

William Shatner’s #1 Fan writes:
You obviously have some agenda against this club, which invalidates everything you just said. I've tracked your IP address to St. Louis, MO and thanks to your persistent harassment neither I, nor anyone who reads this blog will ever visit that suck city again for the rest of our lives! I bet you'll feel bad when your hometown's tourism industry crumbles into a bankrupt shambles next month. You'll probably lose your job at McDonalds because St. Louis will turn into a barren ghost town with no customers to serve. Too bad being a Star Wars goon doesn't pay the bills, sucka!
(Editor’s note: I apologize to any I Hate Star Wars Club members that live in St. Louis. However, I cannot rescind my boycott for your sakes. Any city that harbors Star Wars goons is no friend to the I Hate Star Wars Club. I advise all Missouri residents to move somewhere where the people are more open-minded.)

Sithlord writes:
SithLord is bigger than any one man. We're everywhere. You think Upstate New York doesn't have any "Star Wars Goons?" As we speak, your nieces and nephews have subsonic messages being broadcast to their crib: "Your uncle is a dork. StarTrek is for dorks"
(Editor’s note: I can scarcely believe that a Star Wars goon like Sithlord who doesn’t even know there is a space between the words ‘Star’ and ‘Trek’ could influence anyone, but regrettably, there may be some accuracy to his statement. I fear that Star Wars goons have manipulated my poor impressionable nephews. I’ll explain more in tomorrow’s Weekday Post.)

Your pathetic boycott won't help you! We got Enterprise off the air for sucking, and we got J.J. Abrams to do a StarTrek Prequel! This club will be gone in less than a year!
(Editor’s note: Once again we see Sithlord cribbing my lines instead of actually thinking of something inventive to say. I have long declared that the I Hate Star Wars Club is bigger than one man, and now Sithlord expects us to believe that he coincidentally has the exact same mantra! His jealously of this club is proven by his habit of imitating it.)

William Shatner’s #1 Fan writes:
I'm sure there are other blogs where you could post your ridiculous daydreams. You're just one little punk kid who is scared sh*tless by the might and power that this club wields. You see your pathetic little Star Wars fad quickly fading into obscurity and you're trying to make one last commotion before Star Wars becomes nothing more than an insignificant footnote to a section on “Pokeman the Movie” in a history book detailing the long-forgotten fads of the early 21st century. So go play with your Anakin Skywalker dolly while you can still remember what it is. By this time next year, no one will remember that Star Wars ever existed and all the former Star Wars goons will be dressed in full Starfleet Federation Regalia while they wait in line to see Star Trek XI on opening day.

Incidentally, the Star Wars goons have nothing to do with J.J. Abrams directing Star Trek XI. He is directing that movie in an attempt to make peace with the I Hate Star Wars Club members and to atone for the sin of allowing the fat kid to mention Star Wars in an episode of Lost. Star Wars goons around the nation wept when he announced that he was switching his allegiance to Star Trek. For you to claim credit is both preposterous and proof you live in a state of perpetual denial.
(Editor’s note: I never heard from Sithlord again after sending this email. I think it’s obvious that he realized he was exchanging words with someone of a far greater intellect than himself and ran crying for the hills. I hope that this post marks the end of our Sithlord problems and that we never need to have a post titled “The Trouble With Sithlord pt 3.”)