Weekend Post #17: The Trouble With Tribbles pt 4

Hey I Hate Star Wars Club members. I’m in upstate New York tonight at my brother’s house. When my nephews went to bed tonight, they asked their mom to read them a book. I asked if I could handle the bedtime story tonight and my sister-in-law said I could. I made up this story on the spot. It was so good I just had to type it up and share it with you. My sister-in-law was mad because she thought it was too violent and would give her boys nightmares but she doesn’t know what she’s talking about. I think it’s a perfect bedtime story for children and I recommend you all read it to your kids tonight.

One day, Anakin Skywalker flew his space ship to a remote planet. He wanted some alone time so that the other Sith Lords wouldn’t see him cry.

He landed his space ship in the wasteland where he was sure no one would find him. He sat down in the mud and began to ball like a girl. Giant tears rolled down his cheeks and landed in his lap making it look like he wet his pants. When Anakin saw that he was doubly glad that no other Sith were around because they would certainly tease him about it. They teased him about everything, especially for getting beat up by tribbles all the time. Every time he saw the Sith Lords, they would laugh at him. That’s why he had come to this remote place. “I’m never going home!” he wailed.

Anakin cried for a couple of hours. Eventually he cried himself to sleep.

The next morning when Anakin awoke, he removed his thumb from his mouth and noticed a tribble bouncing along in the distance. “Ooh! I hate tribbles so much!” Anakin could feel the dark side of the force flowing through him. He ran as fast as could to catch up with the tribble. Normally, a tribble could easily outrun Anakin Skywalker, but this tribble was just enjoying a leisurely stroll and correctly assumed that a weakling like Anakin Skywalker posed no threat to him. He whistled a happy tune as the raging Sith Lord ran up from behind.

Anakin ran in front of the tribble and blocked his path. “None of the Sith Lords like me and it’s all your fault!” Anakin yelled. “I’m going to kill you and any other tribble I see!” The tribble yawned. “This time,” said Anakin, his eyes glowing with an evil yellow tint, “I’m not messing around.” He pulled out his light saber and pointed it at the tribble. “Time to die, tribble.”

Anakin fiercely swung his light saber at the tribble, who rolled aside just before the light saber hit the ground causing a small cloud of dirt to appear. Anakin swung his light saber again and this time the tribble rolled between Anakin’s feet.

“You’re quick!” yelled Anakin, “but your speed can’t save you!” Anakin started waving his light saber like a mad man, striking the ground in random places as fast as he could. The tribble giggled with amusement as he deftly parried every one of Anakin’s pathetic attacks. “Don’t laugh at me!” yelled Anakin, “My hatred is giving me power that you can’t comprehend!” He gripped his light saber like a dagger and lunged at the tribble, who once again rolled between Anakin’s feet. Anakin swung to catch the tribble on the other side and accidentally cut off his own left foot.

Anakin dropped his light saber and once again started to cry. “I already have a robot arm! Now I need a robot foot too!” He held his foot in his hands and gazed at it with tear-filled eyes. “I can’t do anything right! No wonder all the Sith Lords hate me! I can’t even kill a tribble!” He threw his useless foot on the ground and let the tears flow.

The tribble, though tiny, had a large heart. He rolled up to Anakin and purred sympathetically.

Anakin slapped him away. “I don’t need your sympathy, tribble. This is all your fault!” Anakin reached for his foot and threw it at the tribble, missing by a foot. The tribble purred again but Anakin yelled, “I HATE YOU!! Go away and leave me alone!” He picked up a fistful of dirt and threw it at the tribble.

Tribbles are very fastidious creatures and they detest getting dirt in their fur. Throwing dirt is the gravest insult that can be given in the tribble culture. Anakin didn’t know this, of course, but his ignorance couldn’t save him from the tribble’s wrath. For most people, a tribble’s wrath is not a problem because they can easily brush an attacking tribble aside. Anakin Skywalker though, is not most people.

Anakin sobbed for several more minutes before he noticed that the tribble’s purrs had turned to growls. He cautiously looked up. Anakin could tell from the luster of the tribble’s coat that it had brought the pain and was ready to serve it ice cold. He grabbed his light saber and pointed it at the tribble. “You stay away from me! I’ve suffered enough already!”

The tribble yelled, “Whatever Sucka!” and leapt through air. Anakin covered his face with his hands as the tribble slammed into his chest. Anakin coughed and tasted blood.

“That’s it!” he cried. “I’m going to kill you!” He balanced on his remaining foot and started to hop after the tribble, swinging his light saber wildly.

Suddenly, a distinctive voice echoed throughout the horizon. “Why don’t you pick on somebody your own size?” Anakin turned his head to see Captain Kirk, who just happened to be his own size, standing behind him.

“You don’t understand!” whined Anakin. “This tribble started it! I was just defending myself!” Kirk glared at him and Anakin pointed to the bloody stump on the end of his leg. “Look what he did to me! He cut off my foot!”

Captain Kirk laughed. “Don’t lie to me Sithy-Poo. I’ve watched everything that happened since you landed here.”

“How? That’s impossible!”

“I put a tracking device on your ship at the space bar. I had a hunch that you didn’t learn your lesson about picking on tribbles even after you got beat up for a third time.” Kirk’s eyes glanced downward. “Did you wet your pants?”

“NO!” cried Anakin. Kirk bellowed in laughter. “Don’t laugh at me!” yelled Anakin, “Or I’ll—”

“You’ll what?” demanded Kirk, “Point your glow stick at me? Don’t make me laugh.”

“Don’t underestimate my powers!” said Anakin. Just as he finished the sentence, the tribble leapt up and tapped him on the back, causing him to lose his balance and fall face first into the dirt.

Kirk laughed again. He turned to the tribble and said, “I think he’s been humbled enough for today. Let’s get him back to his ship and send him home.” The tribble chirped in agreement. Kirk extended his hand to Anakin who eyed it suspiciously.

“I don’t need your help, Kirk. In fact,” his eyes glowed with the evil yellow tint again, “you’re the one that needs help!” Anakin used his Sith powers to mentally levitate a rock and launch it towards Kirk’s head. Kirk scowled in annoyance as he used his phaser to blast the rock to a cloud of dust.

Anakin trembled in terror as Kirk’s gaze returned to him. “I tried to be nice to you.” Kirk said. “I tried to help you out because I’m one of the good guys. But you just keep pissing me off!”

“Are you going to kill me?” cried Anakin?

“Do I look like a murderer?” said Kirk with nobility clearly ringing through his voice. “Of course I’m not going to kill you. But I am going to teach you yet another lesson!” He turned to the tribble and said, “Do your worst.”

Anakin wailed in fear and pleaded with the tribble to forgive him. “Whatever, Sucka!” yelled the tribble. He picked up Anakin’s discarded foot and began to smack Anakin with it.

“Stop kicking your own ass!” laughed Captain Kirk.

“I’m not! Make the tribble stop!”

“You are kicking your own ass! That’s your foot isn’t it?”

Captain Kirk’s hilarious joke was lost on Anakin, who could only cower and cry until the smack down was complete.

After Anakin’s ass had been thoroughly stomped, the tribble tossed his foot at him and hopped in Captain Kirk’s arms. Kirk looked down at Anakin and said, “I hope this time you remember that it doesn’t pay to mess with tribbles.” He grabbed his communicator and said, “Two to beam up, Scotty. Me and a tribble.”

As Captain Kirk disappeared into the transporter beam, Anakin growled, “I’m not finished with you, Captain James T. Kirk. You haven’t seen the last of Anakin Skywalker.”