Weekend Post #20: My Letter to the Future

Yesterday, a librarian told me about a very exciting new website called Earth Capsule that allows you to write messages that people won’t read until 5 years from now! Obviously, I couldn’t afford to miss this amazing opportunity. While I’m sure that future historians will thoroughly document the I Hate Star Wars Club’s triumph over the Star Wars militia, Earth Capsule will give our grandchildren the unique ability to read a message from me directly addressed to them. My letter will make this important time in our culture’s history seem much more alive to them than a stodgy textbook summary ever could.

I know that you’re not supposed to publish the material that you submit into the Earth Capsule in other mediums, but I simply couldn’t resist sharing my message for the future with all of you. Besides, I am confidant that the children of the future will not see this post ahead of schedule because I will be taking the I Hate Star Wars Club official blog offline when I have successfully removed Star Wars from the Earth. (I don’t want anything, not even this blog, to remind the world that Star Wars ever existed.)

Dear Children of the Future,
Please put down your William Shatner action figures and listen to this letter. I promise that I shan’t be overlong. My name may not be familiar to you, but that is only because I have chosen not to take credit for my great deeds but have instead opted to heal the world in anonymity. In 2006, the world knew me as William Shatner’s #1 Fan, a title that I’m sure many of you claim for yourselves in 2056. Many of you probably attend the William Shatner School of Advanced Acting Technique and your parents no doubt work for the William Shatner Memorial Foundation for Global Peace. I suspect that William Shatner’s premier show, Star Trek: TOS is both a form of constant entertainment (though surely enhanced for breathtaking Holo-Vision T.V.) and a study aid for colligate courses in advanced scientific theory courses. I am positive that my meager imaginations cannot fully do justice to the Utopian World in which you live.

Some of your grandparents may have told you of a distant time when the world was not so happy a place. I imagine that for most of you, memory of this time has faded to a disbelieved urban legend, but in 2006, the unquestioned superiority of Star Trek as the penultimate Science Fiction space drama that you all enjoy, was not so certain. There existed at this time a would-be usurper to the sci-fi throne, a vile movie called Star Wars. If you look in the reference books of 2056, you may see a brief one-sentence description of this film under the heading, “Worst Movie Ever Made.”

Of course, there were many stupid movies in 2006. You may be wondering why I mention this one in particular, as the name undoubtedly means nothing to you. Star Wars was unique in its stupidity for it lowered the IQ of everyone who saw it. People who repeatedly watched this movie, known as Star Wars goons, found that they were unable to comprehend the complex plots of Star Trek, and so they sought to destroy it. By showing their mind-numbing film to as many people as possible, the Star Wars goons were able to form an army of mindless drones, known as the Star Wars militia, who unthinkingly did their every bidding. An evil man known as George Lucas was the creator of Star Wars and the leader of the militia. His goal was to make everyone in the world as banal as possible so that he could claim the glory of Gene Roddenberry—who as you well know was the genius who created Star Trek—for himself.

I, like millions of others, held true to the Star Trek ideals, but we were helpless to do anything but watch in horror as the Star Wars militia tromped throughout the world, spreading their message that it was okay to be mediocre. In 2005, it looked as if they were going to accomplish their goals. The 10th movie in the Star Trek franchise, while a critical favorite, had not done well financially at the box office; the sixth movie in the Star Trek franchise had made millions. Some Star Wars goons saw the movie over a dozen times, often paying double what their minimum wage jobs could pay in an hour each time they went to the theater.

Realizing that if someone didn’t act immediately, Star Wars might permanently eradicate Star Trek, I formed an underground allegiance of likeminded souls into a guerrilla group called the I Hate Star Wars Club. I masked my identity with the pseudonym, “William Shatner’s #1 Fan,” both to protect myself from Star Wars militia attacks, and to keep the press’s attention on the club’s mission and not its charismatic leader. By harnessing the powers of the Internet, I was able to broadcast the truth about Star Wars to billions of people worldwide. Within two months of starting the club, I had drastically reduced the number of copies of Star Wars available to rent from video stores and convinced known Star Wars goon, J.J. Abrams to switch allegiances to Star Trek and direct what many of you probably regard as the greatest movie ever made, Star Trek XI.

While I do not know exactly what events led to the Utopia that you live in, I do know that my efforts were directly responsible for them. You live in a Star Wars free world, and you owe that blessing to a revolutionary organization that history has perhaps forgotten, the I Hate Star Wars Club. As I previously explained, I have chosen not to accept fame and fortune my deeds, but nevertheless, you may someday meet in New York City an 82-year-old man with an air of contentment that only lifetime of great accomplishments can bring. As you pass by, say to this man, “Long Live Star Trek!” and you shall bring a tear of joy to his eye. Just don’t mention Star Wars, even in jest, for the man will be well versed in the fighting style of Captain Kirk and though elderly, he will still stomp your ass, Shatner-style. I know this because I am the old man (or will be at the time you’re reading this).

That is all I have to say to you. I hope that the next time you play with your William Shatner action figure—with no fear of molestation at the hands of a vile Star Wars goon—that you will think of me. Utopia is my gift to you.

I am now, and forever shall be,
William Shatner’s #1 Fan.