Weekday Post #21: The Star Wars Curse pt 2

One day, Natalie Portman wanted to get some acting work. However, she remembered what happened when she auditioned for a part in the Barky Chow Dog Food commercial. “Hmmm,” she said to herself. “How can I get some acting work when everyone knows what a terrible job I did in Star Wars?” Then she had a wicked idea. She went to her computer, opened her resume, and began to edit.

The next day she went to audition for the role of “Girl amazed by smiling man’s golf club” in a commercial for a once-daily all-natural male enhancement herbal supplement pill. She met the director and handed him her resume.

He looked at it and said, “This is very impressive. You’ve been in Bend it Like Beckham, King Arthur, The Jacket, Love Actually, and Domino. Oh, and I see you were nominated for best actress in Pride and Prejudice. Pity you haven’t been in any Star Trek movies, but nobody’s perfect and this is an otherwise impressive list of films, Miss Knightley.”

Natalie Portman giggled because her plan had worked; the director thought she was Keira Knightley.

“Still, I can’t help but think that you’re forgetting something,” the director said as he scratched his head and continued examining the resume. “There’s a movie that should be on this list that isn’t… Oh, that’s right—you were in Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace.”

Natalie panicked. Her therapist had helped her block that traumatic movie from her mind so she had forgotten that Keira Knightley had played her handmaiden and body double.

The director’s face turned bright red. “How dare you waste my time auditioning for this demanding role after you insulted the intelligence of the entire world with that miserable performance? Get the hell out of my office,” he screamed. “You’ll never find acting work again!”

Natalie fled from the office in tears; she never worked in Hollywood again.

Weekday Post #20: The Star Wars Curse pt 1

One day, Natalie Portman wanted to get some acting work. She applied all over Hollywood but no one ever called her back for auditions. After hours of badgering agents and producers, the director of a commercial for Barky Chow Dog Food agreed to let her audition for the role of “Female hands that pour the dog food.”

Natalie rushed strait over to the set, hopeful that this would be her big break. When she got there, the director of the commercial read her resume and said, “Oh yes, I thought I recognized your name. Sorry, you’re not a good enough actress for this role.”

Natalie was stunned. “How can you say that?” she asked. “I haven’t even auditioned yet.”

The director held out her resume and used his cigar to point out Star Wars: Episode I. “I’ve seen you in this… movie. Quite frankly, you have absolutely no acting talent.”

Natalie started to cry because that is what every director told her. Through her sobs she said, “It’s true that I was terrible in Phantom Menace,” she didn’t notice that the director cringed at the title, “but didn’t you see Garden State? I was good in that.”

The director did his best to hide his repulsion as he made an unbelievably empathetic gesture by laying a comforting hand on Natalie’s shoulder. “You were tolerable in Garden State.” He tasted bile at the lie. “However, your acting in Star Wars caused me severe emotional distress.”

Natalie wailed, “Please forgive me! I was young and foolish! It was just the one time!”

The director withdrew his hand, promising himself that he would wash it, if not cut it off, as soon as the wretch was out of his office. “It wasn’t just the one time, Natalie,” he said. “You starred in three of those vile films. You had a line in the third movie, ‘Hold me like you did by the lake at Naboo.’ It was so bad it hurt me.”

Natalie tried to stammer a defense, but the director held up his hand to silence her. “I’m sorry, Natalie,” he said. “Some scars can never be healed. Now get out of my office or else I’ll be forced to call the attack dogs.”

Natalie fled from the office in tears; she never worked in Hollywood again.

Weekday Post #19: A “Novel” Idea

I get email all the time from people who praise my skillful writing on this blog and ask if I’m ever going to write a novel. Had these people bothered to read my introductory post, they would have known that I am in fact writing a Star Trek novel. It’s an adventure about Captain Kirk flying around the galaxy and kicking ass wherever he finds evil doers. He also has a hot love scene with a space babe who looks a lot like a chick at work who sits three cubicles down but doesn’t ever talk to me. Unfortunately, the novel won’t be finished for a few months. There’s lots of proofreading to do and I still have to re-watch several old episodes of Star Trek to research Kirk’s make-out technique. (I want it to be as realistic as possible!)

A lot of I Hate Star Wars members want me to write an entire novel in which Kirk lays the smack down on Star Wars characters. Believe me, I would love to! But the publishing companies would never print such a book because of “copyright infringement” or some such nonsense. The only way you could publish such a story would be on the internet, which means that it would be classified as “fan fiction.” No offense to the people who write the stuff, but fan fiction is not canonical and I loath the thought that my tale of Kirk’s escapades should be considered outside the realm of plausibility.

But don’t fret! I’m not going to leave my millions of fans unsatisfied. Eagle-eyed I Hate Star Wars club member may have noticed that I have been experimenting with intermittently publishing a short story on this blog. This story is called “The Trouble with Tribbles” and has appeared in two installments. The third and final episode of the story will appear on Saturday. But that’s not all the exciting news! I will also be premiering a new short story on this blog called “The Star Wars Curse.” The three chapters will be released in quick succession on Thursday, Friday, and Sunday.

Those of you who prefer that I attack Star Wars blatantly and avoid the graceful subtlety of allusion, metaphor, subtext, and representational symbolism need not fear; the I Hate Star Wars Club will return to its normal style of relentless assault on Star Wars starting Monday of next week. However, the I Hate Star Wars Club seeks to attract both laymen and academia so you can definitely expect to see more allegorical attacks on Star Wars as I continue to demonstrate my unique gift for prose in future posts. And if you’re worried that the Star Wars novel writers are going to out-write me, HA! Don’t make me laugh. A one-sentence story about Kirk scratching an itch on his butt is more interesting than all the Star Wars novels combined!

Weekday Post #18: The I Hate Star Wars Club Craze

The blogosphere has exploded with the I Hate Star Wars Club craze. Bloggers can’t stop talking about it. Unfortunately, a small percentage of the discussion has not been positive. While, I am of course disappointed, the negativity is understandable for a couple of reasons. First, the naysayers are obviously a jealous that I’ve been blogging for less then a month and I already wield considerable worldwide influence while they are stuck floundering with tiny readerships consisting of their moms and the friends they paid to click their link.

Second, a blog as revolutionary as the I Hate Star Wars Club is naturally going to meet a certain amount of resistance from the luddites and fear mongers who despise nothing so much as change. Finally, and most likely, the bloggers are desperate members of the Star Wars militia who are resorting to guerrilla tactics to unfairly attack me.

For example, look at these two blogs. The bloggers clearly have no reason other than resentful hatred for attacking me so viciously. I would advice female readers to avoid clicking the links as your delicate tummies may erupt with vomit and bile when you behold the filth these impious blasphemers call a blog.
Blog 1
Blog 2

For those unable to click the link and see their beloved club slandered, allow me to summarize one of the posts, which states that the I Hate Star Wars Club “hits a new low.” Let me explain something to these so-called bloggers. The only low I hit is Star Wars. In fact, I STOMP that low on a daily basis!

I am not an idealist fool; I know that there will always be those who detest me for doing what’s right. However, I vow that I will never bow to their pressure! This blog will remain online until our club mission of utterly eradicating Star Wars has been accomplished!

I beseech each and every I Hate Star Wars Club members with blogs or websites of their own to flood the internet with praise for this blog. We’ll let these losers know how real bloggers report on world-shattering ideas whose time has come! Email me with links to your sites and I’ll post an index of them next week!

William Shatner’s # 1 Fan out!

---

P.S. Happy Birthday to I Hate Star Wars Club member Bradley. He is turning 16 today and is hoping to get his first kiss for a present. Bradley has been a huge supporter of the I Hate Star Wars Club from its inception and currently serves on the committee of the club’s western states division from the headquarters in Billings MT. Thanks for all the hard work Bradley and good luck with that kiss.
If you’d like your birthday mentioned on this blog, email me.

Weekday Post #17: Cures People of Star Wars Addictions Easy as “Clockwork”

I get emails all the time from people wondering how to deal with coworkers who are fans of Star Wars. Telling someone that you have to work with every day that they are wasting their lives on a stupid movie can be a delicate situation because it could lead to an uncomfortable work environment. While most Star Wars fans will convert to Star Trek once you introduce it to them, there will always be the sad few who will resist the better show because they are members of the Star Wars militia.

Let me tell you about how I handled this situation in my workplace. As most of you know, I am a telemarketer. I have a coworker named Steve who sits in the cubicle across the isle from me. He has a little doll of Yoda (the ridiculous bouncing Jedi from the Star Wars franchise) on his desk. He delights in telling everyone at the office that he got a new Toyota. When they ask what color it is, he says “GREEN” and points at his Yoda dolly while saying “Get it? Toyota? Toy Yoda!” He always laughs at his stupid joke. Puns are bad enough, but Star Wars puns are more than I can handle.

So here’s what I do. Every morning I walk by his desk when he’s on the phone with someone and I fart as loud as I can. Mom’s favorite recipe is stuffed cabbage so believe me, my farts are RIPE! I love watching him cringe in the stench as he tries to hide the repulsion in his voice from the old Grandma he’s on the phone with. When he finally gets off the phone and yells that I need to watch where I drop my stink bombs I yell back, “They don’t stink as much as Star Wars!”

I call this the technique The Clockwork Orange Method (only difference: flatulence instead of violent movies) and I’d recommend it to anyone who works with a Star Wars fan. Every time the dude wants to watch Star Wars he will remember your pungent anal fumes and be overcome with nausea, which will quickly cure him of his addiction. People may want to beat you up at first and chicks may refuse to date you, but this procedure is so effective that you can expect a flood of thank you cards from new Star Trek fans after just a few days.

Weekend Post #8: William Shatner Has Changed My World

Wow! I’ve given myself a week to process the amazing show, “How William Shatner Changed the World” and still, all I can say is WOW! That was the best moment on television since Star Trek: Enterprise was cancelled. Well done History Channel.

My favorite part of the show was when the Shatmaster totally scored with that insanely beautiful blonde chick at the end. She started off really pissed at him for some reason, but within two minutes the Shatner magic had turned her to butter in his hands. I wish I had half the moves with the ladies as the Shatman.

My other favorite part of the show was when Shatmeister described how wormholes work with a pizza as a visual aid. That pizza looked so tasty! It made me totally hungry and I wish I could have eaten it. I bet that Shatmét is an amazing cook!

The Shat made tons of jokes throughout the show and all of them were hysterical. I fell off the couch from laughing several times. Thankfully I recorded the show on the VCR because I was laughing so hard at his jokes that I often missed the next thing he said. I’ve been able to go back and watch it again every night this week.

Acting, cooking, comedy, explaining complex astronomical physics, is there anything that the Shatmaestro can’t do?

And isn’t funny that the History Channel has never made a documentary called, “How Hayden Christensen Changed the World?” HA! The only thing that needs to be changed about Anakin Skywalker is his diaper. Suck on THAT Star Wars!

Weekend Post #7: The Trouble With Novell

Those of you who subscribe to this blog’s Atom feed so that you can know the instant that new content is online may have noticed what appeared to be a few typographical errors in the initial publication of a few posts. (They’re not there anymore so don’t bother looking for them. I fix my mistakes, unlike George Lucas who puts his grotesque mistakes into theaters nationwide.) Eagle-eyed I Hate Star Wars Club members may have noticed that quotation marks, apostrophes, and other punctuation marks originally appeared as asterisks, question marks, or little square boxes like this ‪‪‪‬‪‬□.

It all started when my asshole boss had my internet access at work blocked so that I couldn’t log into Blogger.com to make my posts. She claimed that writing the blog entries was interfering with my productivity—but the truth is, she’s a Star Wars fanatic (or “aficionado” as she likes to say) and she was trying to sabotage the I Hate Star Wars Club.

I let her think that she had won the battle, but I had a secret weapon up my sleeve. Everyone who writes a blog knows that Blogger.com allows bloggers to email posts to their sites. I signed her stupid “Employee Disciplinary Form” with a solemn look on my face but with laughter in my heart because I knew her efforts to thwart my mission would prove to be as pathetic as the ridiculous Force wielded by the weakling Jedi that she so admires.

I returned to my cubicle and immediately starting writing an entry for the blog. After perfecting it with my patented ideal mix of wry humor and devastating blows to Star Wars I mailed it off thinking that all was well. That evening when I got home I discovered that the post had been online for over six hours with several errors in it. None of the punctuation had published correctly. I hurried and fixed it because I knew that the errors were exactly the sort of thing that the Star Wars Militia would just love to use in attempt to discredit me. I thought the errors were a one-time fluke—but it happened again the next day.

Faced with this new dilemma, I asked myself WWKD? I decided to experiment with the strange phenomenon to see if I could determine the true nature of the quandary. I sent a post to my blog from my Gmail account and it worked fine. Obviously, the problem lay with my work email: Novell GroupWise.

For those of you lucky enough to have never worked with it, GroupWise is a SUCK program. I think the problem is that Novell is all into Linux, which is a computer program that sucks so hard that they can’t even compete with Microsoft when they give it away! Honestly, who wants to use a program that can’t tell the difference between an apostrophe and a little square box?

Novell and Linux have the same problem as Star Wars. They messed with perfection and created something hideous. Just as Star Wars perverted the pure space drama ideals that Gene Roddenberry created with Star Trek, so too have Novell and their Linux goons corrupted computers that ran flawlessly using Bill Gates’ Microsoft products. I swear that I wouldn’t have had the trouble with the punctuation if I had been using a real email program like Outlook.

I guarantee you that they do not use Novell or retarded Linux in Star Trek. Look how well the computers on that show work; Microsoft all the way, baby! It’s the software choice of the U.S.S. Enterprise, the United Federation of Planets, and the I Hate Star Wars Club! The Millennium Falcon probably uses Novell and Linux. HA! SUCKERS! That would explain why that ship sucks so hard!

Weekday Post #16: Battlefront Video Game

I went to a little video game store yesterday to look at Star Trek computer games. The clerk there was a brainwashed Star Wars goon and he was trying to sell me some lame crap game called “Star Wars Battlefront II.” I wanted to slap the hell out of that freak! I yelled, “Star Trek Pinball was a better game, you retard!” I’ve never been so pissed off in my life! I will NEVER shop there again. He chewed me out but as I left I yelled back at him, “George Lucas is such a looser. He will always have the revolting stink of Star Wars on him.”

Weekday Post #15: Race of the Space Ships

The Millennium Falcon is fast? HA! Don't make me laugh! When that ship is in hyperdrive, The USS Enterprise can go in circles around it. Backwards!

Weekday Post #14: Happy Birthday William Shatner!

Happy Birthday William Shatner
Of my life you are the master
Permit thy servant now to rhyme
An ode to your great life and times

On this great day that saw your birth
The muse was overcome with mirth
The world received a gift long pined for
It's greatest ever living actor

T.J. Hooker and Captain Kirk
Caused villians evil deeds to shirk
Characters so noble and true
And both were brought to life by you

You stopped the terrible Klingon war
And peace endured until the Borg
And that's not all you did, my Captain
You saved the humpbacks from extiction

Travelocity.com
Should quit and just go home
For Priceline has the Shatman
While their spokesman is a gnome

You’ve done much for the human race
By getting in George Lucas' face
You’ve made out with the hot space lasses
And kicked all of the Star Wars asses

You kill Jedi with a phaser
Just to prove lightsabers weaker
And you stomped Anakin's ass so vile
You did them both with Shatner style

None of your friends can claim to be
Of your great love at all worthy
For the truth is this: only I
Am your number one fan and favorite guy

Although we've never met before
A great relationship's in store
And I'll be proud to call you my best friend
When to my emails you reply and send

We members of this online club
Join in your work to Star Wars snub
For you've inspired us to this high call
William Shatner - The Hero to Us All

Happy birthday William Shatner!
From your #1 fan!

P.S.
I’d like to give you a high five
For you just turned seventy five!

Weekday Post #13: A Clear Victory in the Lost Battle

This weekend, I discovered that the show Lost was nothing more than a conspiracy designed to trick people into watching Star Wars movies. You can read the details in Weekend Post #6. After presenting my case on this blog, I realized that the people who most needed to know the truth about Lost, the fans themselves, might not be members of the I Hate Star Wars Club. To save those people who unknowingly stood in desperate need of my help, I decided to take the fight to the Lost podcasters and bloggers who naively spread the Star Wars message to their small audiences.

Sunday afternoon I found as many Lost blogs and podcasts as I could and I emailed them all with this letter:

Subject: You Have Been Deceived by Lost
Attention Lost Fans,
ABC has bamboozled you. Lost is not the show that you think it is. The entire series is nothing more than a colossal advertisement for Star Wars. I know how the series will end and I offer proof positive on my blog.
http://ihatestarwarsclub.blogspot.com/
I strongly advise you to read it so you don't waste another second of your lives on a lie. Please let everyone who reads your blog or listens to your podcast know that ABC has stabbed them in the back by using them as unknowing pawns in their maniacal quest for worldwide Star Wars saturation.
Please let me know any way I can help you overcome your damaging Lost addiction. I'm a friend and I'm here to help.
Yours truly,

William Shatner's #1 Fan

I am pleased to report that my efforts have already proven immensely successful. Last night I listened to a Lost podcast to see how they would react to my email and I was overjoyed to hear an amazing three references to Star Trek in the show. Although I was angered that they didn’t refer to Captain Kirk by name, I forgave them because they didn’t mention Star Wars once.

It’s a little boring because they talk a lot about Lost but you can listen to the show for yourself here.

Clearly, the podcasters took my message to heart and decided to fight back against the Star Wars advertising team at ABC by not-so-subtly endorsing Star Trek. I was a little surprised that they didn’t mention whether or not they were going to join in my Lost boycott, but their actions still send a strong message to the fat cats at ABC that they want Lost to contain references to quality Sci-Fi like Star Trek and not unrealistic schlock like Star Wars. If enough Lost fans join them in their courageous battle, ABC will have no choice but to drop the Jedi nonsense and refer to anything cool that any character does as “a Captain Kirk moment.” And that, my friends, would be the next best thing to having the show removed from the air.

Weekday Post #12: A Global Community

I get tons of email from people from all around the world asking if the I Hate Star Wars Club is open to the international community or if it is only an American organization. While the club is physically headquartered in New York City, the Internet gives it global reach. I’m proud to say that the club is open to everyone who hates Star Wars, regardless of race, creed, or nationality.

No one could ever call me xenophobic. I was supportive of the peaceful coexistence of Human and Klingon even before Star Trek: The Next Generation shocked audiences by putting Lieutenant Worf on the bridge of the USS Enterprise. Just as Captain Kirk staffed his starship with people of all ethnic groups, my goodwill extends universally to Star Wars haters worldwide. And it is to those club members in Europe, Africa, Asia, South America, Australia, and Canada that I dedicate today’s post.

I hate Star Wars because Anakin Skywalker is weak and Yoda is stupid.
Ich hasse Sternkriege, weil Anakin Skywalker schwach ist und Yoda dumm ist.
Odio guerras de la estrella porque Anakin Skywalker es débil y Yoda es estúpido.
Je déteste des guerres d'étoile parce qu'Anakin Skywalker est faible et Yoda est stupide.
Odio le guerre della stella perché Anakin Skywalker è debole e Yoda è stupid.
Eu odeio guerras da estrela porque Anakin Skywalker é fraco e Yoda é stupid.
Ik haat de Oorlogen van de Ster omdat Anakin Skywalker zwak is en Yoda is stom.
Μισώ τους πολέμους αστεριών επειδή Anakin Skywalker είναι αδύνατο και Yoda είναι ηλίθιο.
Я ненавижу войны звезды потому что Anakin Skywalker слабо и Yoda тупоумно.

Weekend Post #6: Has ABC “Lost” Its Mind?

Yesterday this guy that I used to think was my friend recommended a show to me called Lost. It is apparently very popular. He said it was so good that it was like a modern-day Star Trek. That should have been my first clue that he was ignorant. Star Trek: Enterprise is a modern-day Star Trek! (At least it was until the morons at the UPN cancelled it.)

His big thing was going on and on about how complex the characters on Lost were and how the sexual tension between Jack and Kate was almost as good as it was between Kirk and Uhura. (YEAH RIGHT!!!) Normally I don’t waste my time with anything on TV unless its Star Trek, but for some reason, I decided to give Lost a try and see if finally a TV show could earn the privilege of being considered my 2nd favorite show.

I watched the first couple of episodes. They’re okay, but nothing special. I think that a lot of people were amazed to find out that there was a polar bear on the island but I just yawned when I saw that because Captain Kirk dealt with stranger things than that on every planet he visited. But I’m willing to forgive the show for not being as cool as Star Trek because I know that’s not possible anyway. I don’t think it’s fair to set the bar impossibly high.

As I was watching I realized that I was missing a rerun of Star Trek but for the first time ever I thought, “I’ve seen it about a dozen times.” I’m ashamed to admit that I was interested enough in Lost to forsake my first love; I didn’t watch the Star Trek episode. But don’t worry fellow I Hate Star Wars Club members—I shan’t be making that mistake again. For I quickly realized that Lost was nothing more than a Star Wars propaganda machine.

It happened while I was watching the 2nd DVD at 2:00 AM last night. When the doctor guy helped the blonde chick with her asthma, the big fat kid said, “Wow, man. That was awesome. I mean that was like a Jedi moment.” I have never been so pissed off in my life. I took out the stupid DVD and threw it across the room. There was NOTHING Jedi-ish about that moment. I wanted to scream, “That was a Captain Kirk moment you fat piece of crap!” I could have maybe forgiven the fat kid if he said it was a “Bones” McCoy moment because at least Bones was a doctor, but a ‘Jedi moment’? Please! The only Jedi-ish moment on the show was Jack crying like a little girl in the jungle. He’s as big of a pansy as Anakin Skywalker.

I am calling on all I Hate Star Wars Club members to boycott Lost for blatant Star Wars promotion. Just look at these Lost shirts to see how obvious the Star Wars advertisements are. We'll use the comments section as a petition to have Lost removed from the air. We need to let ABC know that we are not going to take their crap anymore!

Some of you Doubting Thomas types may be thinking, “True, it was a Captain Kirk moment and not a Jedi moment, but is it really such a big deal?” Yes! It is a big deal and I’ll tell you why. Lost is full of little clues that the geektoid fans like to research on the Internet because they have nothing better to do. Lost fans, or the geek patrol as I like to call them, Google search every line that the characters utter hoping to discover the next big clue that will give them 13 seconds of fame on a Lost message board. (Imagine the good that those people could do if they would turn their analytical attention to Star Trek! We’d probably have transporter technology by now!)

Here’s the problem with the Jedi referral. Imagine an innocent girl (by innocent I mean having a mind that is unpolluted with Star Wars filth) who hears the fat guy mention Jedi. Not knowing any better, the girl will go to the Internet and search for information on Jedi. Despite my best efforts at manipulating the Google searches, the I Hate Star Wars Club Official Blog is not the first result on a Google search for Jedi, which means that the girl might discover that there is a whole movie series about Jedi. If she chooses to view these movies, not only will precious hours from her life be wasted but also her innocence will be forever lost. (Excuse the pun.) That’s why this boycott is necessary. We must fight for those who cannot fight for themselves. We must put an end to Lost.

Those of you worried that canceling Lost would prevent you from learning all of the show’s secrets, allow me to spoil the “big surprise ending.” Everyone on the island is going to get rescued and say that the first thing they want to do is have a big slumber party together and watch a Star Wars marathon. That’s exactly the sort of crap I would expect from the Star Wars loving buffoons at ABC. I have dedicated the better part of my adult life to fighting the Star Wars Militia. I know how the enemy works. So believe me, when I say something is a thinly veiled Star Wars commercial, I know what I’m talking about.

You can help the cause. The next time you hear coworkers discussing Lost around the water cooler, tell them the truth about the show’s hidden Star Wars agenda. Tell them about Star Trek and how their lives won’t be complete without it. Try using the techniques that I discussed yesterday. People will be thankful to you for helping them.

Weekend Post #5: Good Night and Good Riddance to Star Wars

Last night my mom checked out a DVD from the grocery store. It always annoys me when she does that because she wants to watch the movies on the TV which means I have to watch my Star Trek DVDs on my computer which sucks because I like to sit on the couch to watch them and not the folding chair in my bedroom. But last night’s movie made me particularly angry because she rented Good Night and Good Luck. I hate black and white movies. I thought the movie was from 1902 or something but mom told me it was made last year and they made it black and white on purpose. What the hell is that about? Who wants to watch a movie like that? If Technicolor was good enough for Star Trek: TOS, then it’s good enough for everyone else too.

I watched about three minutes before I was so bored that I wished I could just die. I tried to tell mom how much it sucked and that she was wasting her time but she told me to quit whining and go play on my stupid blog if I was so bored. I hate when she talks to me like I’m a kid. I’M A GROWN MAN, MOM!

Despite how much the movie sucked, I did get a very good idea from it. Some guy was asking everybody if they had ever been a communist and if they lied and said they hadn’t he laid the smack down, Shatner-style. Suddenly I realized that that would be a great way of identifying Star Wars fans! So here’s the plan: All of the I Hate Star Wars Club members should ask everyone they meet, “Are you now or have you ever been a member of the Star Wars fan club?” Keep in mind that if they say no, they may be lying because they are so embarrassed. Use your gut instinct to determine if the person is telling the truth or not.

Once you have identified Star Wars fans, tell them about how much that movie sucks and how much happier they could would be if they watched Star Trek instead. Refer them to this blog so they can learn for themselves how they’ve been wasting their lives on a stupid movie. They’ll be really grateful to you for helping them out. And you’ll be grateful to George Clooney for helping us to realize a great idea for identifying and neutralizing our enemies.

Weekday Post #11: The Trouble With Tribbles pt 2

So this Tribble walked into a space bar and Anakin Skywalker was in there talking crap about how he was the toughest Sith in the galaxy. So the Tribble yelled, “Whatever, SUCKA!” and he beat Anakin’s whiny ass down! Everyone in the space bar laughed at Anakin because he was crying like a little girl.

The moral of the story is that even a Tribble can kick Anakin Skywalker’s ass.

Weekday Post #10: Nanoo Nanoo

Nanoo Nanoo Earthlinks.
You might be wondering why I am greeting you in this manner. It’s because even Mork and Mindy is a better sci-fi drama than Star Wars!

Weekday Post #9: The Gift of Song

Thanks to I Hate Star Wars Club member Loralee Choate for posting a link in the comments section to a video of Leonard Nimoy singing a song about Bilbo Baggins. I’m not a big Lord of the Rings fan because they stole the special effects Oscar from Star Trek: Nemesis, but I didn’t mind it so much with Nimoy singing about it. I mean Lord of the Rings is an okay movie I guess. It’s just that some people take it WAY too seriously. Have you seen this site? It’s just a movie, people!
Other than the song’s questionable subject matter—honestly, he couldn’t sing a song about Star Trek?—I thought it was pretty good. The girls in the video had pointed ears to make them look like Lord of the Rings elves, but I thought they looked more like Hot Vulcan Space Babes. Usually, Hot Vulcan Space Babes are not inclined to dance because it isn’t logical but that song was so catchy that it defied logic. Apparently, even a Vulcan can’t resist a good beat.
The only thing that made me sad was that it was Leonard Nimoy singing instead of William Shatner. Nothing against Nimoy, he’s great and everything, but Shatner has THE VOICE. I bet he’d be an amazing singer. He’d probably write way cooler songs than plot summaries of Lord of the Rings too. I wish he’d release a CD. I know it will probably never happen, but I am his number one fan and that gives me the right to dream.
Oh well, at least no one from Star Wars ever sings. Can you imagine how hard it would suck if someone like Ewen McGregor sang a song? GACK! My ears hurt just imagining it.

Weekday Post #8: Am I Like Sulu or Kirk?

Why the fuss over Brokeback Mountain? Gay cowboys don’t promote the gay lifestyle, Jedi promote the gay lifestyle! Even when they claim to be in love with girls, it’s not believable. Where were the protests and riots over Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith? Didn’t anyone notice that an old man straps Anakin to a table and dresses him in a giant black S&M suit at the end of the movie for no apparent reason? SICK!
You’ll never find gay-bashing Star Trek fans anyway. We love gay people because Helmsman Sulu is gay. Sometimes, when my mom asks me when I’m going to get a girlfriend and move out of the house, I wonder if I might be gay like Mr. Sulu. But then I watch Kirk make out with hot space babes and I realize that I am all about the ladies. But I still wouldn’t mind changing places with one of those ladies for the opportunity to make out with the Shatman! That doesn’t make me gay though so shut up!

Weekday Post #7: A Reply to “Sith Lord”

Those of you who read the comments for my blog entries, may have noticed that this board was flamed last week with a hateful comment from an anonymous Star Wars fan calling himself “Sith Lord.” My first inclination was to delete the comment before anyone else could see it, and many of you are probably wondering why I didn’t; this is a peaceful website and no one comes here expecting to see hurtful, hateful, and slanderous writings. Believe me, I wanted to remove it. Not only was the comment an inappropriate insult directed at me personally, but also because I didn’t want to get a barrage of angry email from parents whose young children had read the offensive sexual-innuendo, “Scr*w You.”
The reason I left that comment online is because I wanted everyone to see for themselves the miserable depths that Star Wars fans are willing to sink to in order to promote their hateful cause. That comment perfectly demonstrated the uncouth nature of Star Wars fans and probably did more harm than good to their cause. It is my belief that people who are unsure about which sci-fi space drama to watch will read that comment and decide that they don’t want to associate themselves with such foul people. So thank you, Sith Lord. You just damned your own pathetic cause.
The other important reason I left that comment online was because I believe strongly in the freedom of speech. Not only is it an important right guaranteed in the Bill of Rights, it is also a right guaranteed in The Charter of the United Federation of Planets, to which I have proudly sworn allegiance. The right for a person to express himself or herself, not only protects assholes like “Sith Lord,” it also protects the right of the anonymous poster who left a comment the same day saying that the I Hate Star Wars Club Official Blog “rules.” My heart was full when I read that because I knew that those bitter Star Wars fans could never defeat the optimism and joy that Star Trek fans had demonstrated. We are a city set on a hill and the darkness of Star Wars can never defeat the pure light of Star Trek.
Please indulge me to now write directly to “Sith Lord.” I know that you’re reading this; stupid criminals always return to the scene of the crime. Your hateful speech is not welcome here. Try to wrap your feeble little mind around this simple fact: It’s over! Give up because you’ve lost! The only reason you feel compelled to flame a blog like this is because you know that Star Wars is a lost cause. And on a personal note, I didn’t appreciate the name-calling. Just so you know, the last person who called me a "jerk" got his ass stomped, Shatner-style.

Weekend Post #4: I'm Going to Meet William Shatner!!

This blog was created for the purposes of convincing the world that Star Wars is a terrible movie. I didn’t intend to use this forum to promote Star Trek, but sometimes, something so cool happens in the Star Trek Universe that I can’t restrain myself from writing. Today is one of those days.

I highly doubt that it will be news to any of the readers of this blog that the History Channel is airing a documentary tonight called, “How William Shatner Changed the World.” The show is going to rock and will totally validate what I’ve been saying for year—that William Shatner is the most important figure in human history. Just as Captain Kirk sets his phaser to stun, I’ve set my VCR to record!

This documentary is connected to the Official Star Trek Convention in Las Vegas, which is celebrating Star Trek’s 40th Anniversary. Despite the frequent vocal objections of my mom, I am going to quit my job to attend the convention. (The jerks wouldn’t give me the time off, but guess what—they’re not the only telemarketing company in NYC! So who needs them?) All of you should follow my example and attend the convention by any means possible. I look forward to meeting all of my fans there and I will have my autograph pen ready.

Some of you may have noticed that the History Channel is having a contest in correlation with the documentary where one lucky fan will win the chance to meet William Shatner at the Las Vegas Star Trek Convention. Let me just remind you that none of you should be entering this contest because it will diminish my chances of meeting him. As President of the I Hate Star Wars Club, I am the most worthy to spend a day in his presence. I don’t mean to be rude here, but quite frankly, William Shatner isn’t going to care about meeting anyone else because he’s going to want to thank me personally for all the anti-Star Wars work I’ve done in his behalf. I’m sure that all of you can respect me, your leader, enough to make sure that mine is the only ballot in this contest box.

If you’re really disappointed about not getting to meet William Shatner, try going to the soup kitchen line at the unemployed actors guild to meet Hayden Christensen. He’ll get really excited because he’ll think that somebody gives a crap who he is, but what he won’t know is that you’re about to stomp his scrawny ass, Shatner-style!

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By the way, Frank Caliendo, don’t think I’ve forgotten about the insult that you paid to the billions of William Shatner fans last night on MadTV. From this point on, you’re the same as a Jedi to me, which is to say, you are a wimp and if I ever meet you I’m going to lay the smack down, Shatner-style!

Weekend Post #3: Lifetime Achievement Award

Hey everybody. Today, I’d like to clarify my earlier post about the Academy Awards. I think it sounded a little friendlier towards the Oscars than I intended it to. True, they have consistently ignored Star Wars throughout that franchise’s long history, but they have also, for reasons known only to them, ignored Star Trek. William Shatner starred in six Star Trek movies and stole the show in one more (He was ten times better than Picard in Generations!) So, it’s logical (as the Vulcans would say) to assume that Mr. Shatner should have seven gold Oscar statues for best actor. Yet, he doesn’t have seven statues. In fact, he doesn’t have any. How could this be? His performance was amazing in each installment of the series. He completely embodied the character. Isn’t that kind of performance the very definition of “Best Actor?”

I’ve always assumed that the Academy ignored Star Trek because they mistakenly grouped it into the “Sci-Fi” category with Star Wars. Not to mention the fact that those elitist movie snobs wouldn’t have the first clue about what makes a good movie. They are the same idiots who gave best picture to Gladiator, a movie that takes place in the past instead of the future. (YAWN!) Thanks Academy, there’s nothing like going to the movie theater for a history lesson! Ha! Don’t make me laugh. And quite frankly, how could you even consider another movie for best picture just two short years after Star Trek: Insurrection came out? That film was a masterful update to the legendary quest for the Fountain of Youth and should have set the standard by which all movies could be judged. But apparently, the subtlety and grace of a star ship battle is lost on those who are easily distracted by ridiculously clumsy sword fighting.

And let’s not even talk about Shakespeare in Love, the movie that “beat” Insurrection the year it was released. I couldn’t even understand what they were saying because they used Olde-Timey English. Only the Academy could love a movie that’s one part history lesson, one part linguistics lesson, and one million parts boring. We don’t need to care about William Shakespear anymore because our generation has a new literary genius and his name is Gene Roddenberry. Give me a movie called Gene Roddenberry in Love (about how Gene Roddenberry gave Star Trek as a gift of love to the world) and I’ll care, but Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet? Yeah right! My junior high English teacher made me watch the movie and it sucked. Who cares about the historical reasons that Shakespeare wrote it?

Shall I go on? Do I need to describe the injustice of a stupid musical beating Star Trek: Nemesis for best picture? Or shall I tell how a bunch of midget actors with hairy feet stole the special effects prize from Nemesis’s Romulan ships, which have cloaking technology that allows them to disappear completely from the screen? Obviously, there is a gross injustice and Star Trek fans have kept silent for far too long.

It’s time for the Academy to fix this. Despite our best efforts, William Shatner may never again have the opportunity to star in a Star Trek film. This year, the Academy gave a lifetime achievement award to the guy who made MASH. This proves that the Academy for Motion Pictures is willing to give awards to TV shows. Star Trek, on the other hand, was both a movie and a TV show so William Shatner deserves a lifetime achievement award twice as much as whoever Robert Altman is. I looked him up on imdb and all he has directed are a bunch of movies that nobody I know has ever seen. But when I looked up William Shatner, I was proud to discover that I have not only seen but I also own everything in his list. Obviously, he has had the greater cultural impact.

Now don’t get me wrong. I don’t mean to badmouth Mr. Altman. He’s never made a Star Wars movie so he can’t be as bad of a director as George Lucas. All I’m saying is that if a nobody like him can win a lifetime achievement award, how much more does an American hero like William Shatner—who has positively affected the lives of everyone on Earth—deserve one?

Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, consider this your wake up call. It’s time to atone for your mistakes. All we’re asking is that you give William Shatner the award he deserves to have. This blog serves as an online petition. I want every lover of great cinema to sign in the comments section below to let the film snobs know we’re not going to take their crap anymore. They may have tried to ignore William Shatner, but let’s see them ignore the unified voices of his billions of fans!

Weekday Post #6: The Blaspheme of Frank Caliendo

I saw a commercial last night in which I learned that tomorrow’s episode of MadTV will feature a sketch in which Frank Caliendo portrays William Shatner. I don’t think I need to tell you how upset that made me. The idea is offensive and wrong on every conceivable level.

Mr. Caliendo, I am begging you to please not do this. While it’s true that your impersonations generally capture the spirit of the celebrity you are lampooning quite well—you do a dead on John Madden which would probably make me laugh if I knew anything about him (I don’t watch baseball)—you simply do not have the required acting skills to embody such a tremendous performer as William Shatner. No one will ever believe that you’re actually him, and that will ruin whatever joke you’re hoping to make. I hate to disappoint you, but when my screenplay of William Shatner’s life story is made into a movie (fingers crossed), I can assure you that you will not be cast in the lead role. I doubt that any actor great enough for the role will ever be found so I will likely have to play the part myself, for I truly understand both aspects of William Shatner—the man and the legend. Sorry, I’m digressing. Mr. Caliendo, I’m asking you out of human decency to not perform your William Shatner skit tomorrow night. I, and the billions of other Shatnemaniacs, would consider it sacrilege! Why not do something funny like making fun of Anakin Skywalker? You could show how he cries like a little girl every time a Tribble beats him up. Or, if you simply must portray William Shatner, show him doing something really Shatneresque like stomping Anakin Skywalker’s scrawny ass. If you ignore my request and carry on with your current plans then I will have no choice but to demand a boycott of MadTV! Oh wait, nobody watches that crap show anyway. The American people can’t boycott something they don’t know exists! Suck on that Frank Caliendo!

Weekday Post #5: You Win Second Prize in a Beauty Contest!

Anakin Skywalker is a hunk? Ha! Don’t make me laugh. Captain Kirk is ten times better looking. No wonder Anakin covers his face with that black mask!

Weekday Post #4: The Revenge of the Wrath of Khan

Star Wars villains are called Sith Lords. You might be wondering if they are tough. Ha! Don’t make me laugh. Captain Kirk could kill a dozen Sith Lords without even trying. Now Khan, on the other hand, that’s a villain! The guy was pure nastiness and he was brawny enough to give Kirk a major challenge! But guess what, Kirk still kicked his ass. It’s just too bad that Kirk didn't let Khan put a few bugs in Anakin Skywalker’s ear first though. Then, Kirk could have laughed as Anakin tried using his pitiful Jedi “powers” to fight the bug. Then, if Kirk was feeling especially generous that day, he could stomp Anakin’s ass to put him out his misery.

Weekday Post #3: A Galaxy of Love

You know, Captain Kirk kissed a new girl in every episode of Star Trek. Jedi aren’t allowed to love. Oh well, more space kisses for the Shatman!

Weekday Post #2: The Oscar Shutout

Congratulations to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences for shutting out Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. Honestly, I can’t believe it was even nominated. The original 1966 Star Trek Series had better special effects! Now don’t go all crazy about computer graphics and crap like that. Star Trek’s effects are better because they are emotional involving! Every time someone gets shot with a Star Trek phaser I can feel a pain in my belly. The acting in Star Trek is so poignant that the audience can’t help but empathize with the actor’s pain. (Even when the phaser is set to stun!) Not only that, but every time someone gets beamed up, I get a little misty eyed thinking about the glorious technologies that await us in the future. Star Wars effects, on the other hand, are completely pointless. It’s like trying to get seriously concerned about the characters in a lame video game. So good job Academy for not making a terrible mistake.

Oh, and by the way, Chronicles of Narnia, you’re lucky that there wasn’t a new Star Trek film this year because the makeup used to make Brent Spiner look like Data would have walked away with a little gold statue leaving Mr. Tumnus to cry little goat tears, which would no doubt smear his ridiculous makeup all down his cheeks.

Weekend Post #2: Official Vulcan Hand Contest

Hello everyone. I thought it would be fun to have a contest to see who could make the most creative Vulcan Hand Gesture. Just take a picture of your hand making the famous salute, spice it up with effects from Photoshop or any other photo editing software, and email it to me. I’ll post the best results so that everyone can vote on a winner!
I’ll bet the Star Wars fans wish that they had a famous hand gesture. Too bad that movie sucks! Rock on Star Trek!

Weekend Post #1: Club Beliefs

Wow! This blog hasn’t even been online for a week and I’ve already gotten a ton of email from people wanting to know more about the club and how they can become members. Some emailers are even Star Wars fans that want to quit watching those sucky movies but are afraid to because of what their friends might think. (My advice: get cooler friends. Try meeting people at a Star Trek Convention.) I thought this would be a good time to post the basic club values so that people could have a greater understanding about what makes our club special and what our world goals are.
The I Hate Star Wars Club has certain core beliefs that you will see reflected in all official postings:
1. We believe that VHS and DVD copies of Star Wars serve no purpose other than to steal valuable shelf space from the Star Trek movies at Blockbuster video.
2. We believe that all Star Wars films should be banned outright so that more people can discover the magic of Star Trek without distraction.
3. We believe that William Shatner is the world’s greatest living actor and that the character he played, Captain James Tiberious Kirk (DUH!!! Like I need to tell you that!) is the greatest character in the history of literature. In contrast, Hayden Christensen is history’s worst actor and the character he portrayed, Anakin Skywalker, isn’t worthy to be called a character. Was Hayden sulking through his movies because it was required for the character? (Ha ha! Yeah right!) Or was he sulking because he couldn’t get a job in a decent movie like Star Trek?
4. We believe that all Star Trek shows are created equal and all Star Trek captains are created equal with the exception of Captain Kirk who is greater them all. Further more, we believe that the janitor who cleans up space sickness on the USS Enterprise is greater than the any Star Wars captain, especially that pansy Han Solo and his ridiculous half-man half-mammoth sidekick. No wonder President Bush wants to ban animal-human hybrids! He probably saw Star Wars and got scared to death that unfettered scientists would create an army of bland creatures with no personality who can only speak by gargling.
5. We believe that Star Trek fans are cool and Star Wars fans are fools. A Star Wars fan can gain our acceptance only by forsaking his or her old lifestyle of watching lame movies, viewing all television episodes and motion pictures of each Star Trek franchise, starting ten thoughtful topics and replying insightfully to 100 others in the Star Trek message board, reading 25 Star Trek novels and writing book reports on 15 of them, learning the language of the Klingons, and attending a Star Trek convention dressed as a red-shirt character. (Wearing the red shirt is symbolic of your willingness to die for Star Trek.)
6. We believe that Star Wars fans can be converted to Star Trek peacefully and not through the use of force (or The Force, ha ha ha). As we, the members of the I Hate Star Wars Club, spread the word about how much Star Wars sucks and how awesome Star Trek is, fans of the former will discover the latter and forget that the former ever existed. When stores and movie rental chains discover that no one wants to watch Star Wars anymore, they will throw away all their copies to make room for the more popular Star Trek movies. The sad people who already own Star Wars movies will also throw them away to make more room for Star Trek movies. This way, Star Wars will end up in the landfill where it belongs and will otherwise be nowhere on Earth! We know that it may not be a speedy process—but we have the strength and determination to see this utopian dream through to the end!
7. We believe that Star Trek books are cool to read.

Check back on Monday for the next weekday posts.

Weekday Post #1: The Trouble With Tribbles

One day, Anakin Skywalker was flying his X-Wing to some planet. He opened the glove box and a round furry thing fell out. “EEEEEK!” screamed Anakin! “It’s a Tribble!”

You might wonder if Anakin was able to fight the Tribble using the force. Ha! Don’t make me laugh. The Tribble kicked his ass.

Introduction

Welcome to the I Hate Star Wars Club official blog. I am the club president; call me, William Shatner’s #1 Fan. This club exists because there is only room in this universe for one space epic and that epic is Star Trek.

This club is a sanctuary wherein Star Trek fans who hate Star Wars (or anyone who hates Star Wars) can vent their frustrations with the filthy saturation of mediocrity that the Star Wars franchise spreads throughout the world like a plague. Relax and enjoy your stay and feel free to post a comment about how the USS Enterprise (or hell, even the USS Voyager) could fly circles around any Star Wars ship, including the feeble little wimp-mobile, the Millennium Falcon.

If you’re a Star Wars fan who is seeking help or who just came here by accident, stick around so that I can teach you why your sad devotion to a crappy space drama is pathetic (you’re embarrassing yourself!) and why you should make the switch to Star Trek immediately.

Let me explain how this is going to work. Because I am a busy man (I’ve got my first Star Trek novel to finish) I will only be able to write short posts on weekdays. These posts will mostly be observations, witticisms, and jokes (at Star Wars’s expense of course!) They will typically be short examples of Star Trek’s superiority over Star Wars. Every weekend I will make one longer post in which I vent my hatred for Star Wars in greater detail. These posts will offer deeper analysis of the significant differences between Star Trek and Star Wars as well as my personal feelings about the subject.

Please feel free to leave a comment about how much you hate Star Wars or how much you love Captain Kirk. (Or leave a comment about both.) This blog officially kicks off with Weekday post #1 tomorrow. Until next time, live long and prosper, unless you are Star Wars, in which case I hope you die a quick death leaving no trace that you ever existed.

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Holla if ya'll hate Star Wars!