Weekend Post #1: Club Beliefs

Wow! This blog hasn’t even been online for a week and I’ve already gotten a ton of email from people wanting to know more about the club and how they can become members. Some emailers are even Star Wars fans that want to quit watching those sucky movies but are afraid to because of what their friends might think. (My advice: get cooler friends. Try meeting people at a Star Trek Convention.) I thought this would be a good time to post the basic club values so that people could have a greater understanding about what makes our club special and what our world goals are.
The I Hate Star Wars Club has certain core beliefs that you will see reflected in all official postings:
1. We believe that VHS and DVD copies of Star Wars serve no purpose other than to steal valuable shelf space from the Star Trek movies at Blockbuster video.
2. We believe that all Star Wars films should be banned outright so that more people can discover the magic of Star Trek without distraction.
3. We believe that William Shatner is the world’s greatest living actor and that the character he played, Captain James Tiberious Kirk (DUH!!! Like I need to tell you that!) is the greatest character in the history of literature. In contrast, Hayden Christensen is history’s worst actor and the character he portrayed, Anakin Skywalker, isn’t worthy to be called a character. Was Hayden sulking through his movies because it was required for the character? (Ha ha! Yeah right!) Or was he sulking because he couldn’t get a job in a decent movie like Star Trek?
4. We believe that all Star Trek shows are created equal and all Star Trek captains are created equal with the exception of Captain Kirk who is greater them all. Further more, we believe that the janitor who cleans up space sickness on the USS Enterprise is greater than the any Star Wars captain, especially that pansy Han Solo and his ridiculous half-man half-mammoth sidekick. No wonder President Bush wants to ban animal-human hybrids! He probably saw Star Wars and got scared to death that unfettered scientists would create an army of bland creatures with no personality who can only speak by gargling.
5. We believe that Star Trek fans are cool and Star Wars fans are fools. A Star Wars fan can gain our acceptance only by forsaking his or her old lifestyle of watching lame movies, viewing all television episodes and motion pictures of each Star Trek franchise, starting ten thoughtful topics and replying insightfully to 100 others in the Star Trek message board, reading 25 Star Trek novels and writing book reports on 15 of them, learning the language of the Klingons, and attending a Star Trek convention dressed as a red-shirt character. (Wearing the red shirt is symbolic of your willingness to die for Star Trek.)
6. We believe that Star Wars fans can be converted to Star Trek peacefully and not through the use of force (or The Force, ha ha ha). As we, the members of the I Hate Star Wars Club, spread the word about how much Star Wars sucks and how awesome Star Trek is, fans of the former will discover the latter and forget that the former ever existed. When stores and movie rental chains discover that no one wants to watch Star Wars anymore, they will throw away all their copies to make room for the more popular Star Trek movies. The sad people who already own Star Wars movies will also throw them away to make more room for Star Trek movies. This way, Star Wars will end up in the landfill where it belongs and will otherwise be nowhere on Earth! We know that it may not be a speedy process—but we have the strength and determination to see this utopian dream through to the end!
7. We believe that Star Trek books are cool to read.

Check back on Monday for the next weekday posts.