Weekend Post #18: The Trouble With Sithlord

Hey club members. Some of you may have noticed that my arch nemesis, Sithlord, has returned to terrorize this community. Thankfully, I Hate Star Wars Club member, The Fan Formerly Known as The #1 Fan of William Shatner’s #1 Fan, has laid the smack down on this jerk in the comments section. Sithlord made a feeble attempt to write a story that mocked Star Trek, but The Fan Formerly Known as The #1 Fan of William Shatner’s #1 Fan beat him at his own game by writing an excellent story that probably scared him away for good. Just in case Sithlord is dumb enough to return, I am going to add to The Fan Formerly Known as The #1 Fan of William Shatner’s #1 Fan’s story to teach this Star Wars goon what will happen to him if he ever shows up here again!

Here's the original story:
SithLord said...
Once The #1 Fan of William Shatner's #1 Fan went to a Startrek convention. When he tried to leave, his car wouldn't start. A Minok was sucking the power out of his battery. Take that b*tch!

The Fan Formerly Known as the #1 Fan of William Shatner's #1 Fan said...
Then a tribble came along. At first sight of it the minok cowered in terror. The tribble didn't have a chance to utter “Whatever, Sucka!” because the minok had fled in terror.

The Fan, who had witnessed everything, now heard the gentle purr of a motor and turned around.

"It looks like you could use a lift. Hop in." It was the Shatmeister, coming to the rescue once again.

This is where I conclude the story:
As the Shatmeister and The Fan Formerly Known as The #1 Fan of William Shatner’s #1 Fan drove home, the Shatman unexpectedly stopped the car.

“What’s going on?” asked The Fan Formerly Known as The #1 Fan of William Shatner’s #1 Fan, “Why are we stopping?”

“Business” said the Shatmaster with a grin. “This is Sithlord’s house. You and I are going to teach this punk a lesson.”

“Excellent!” said The Fan Formerly Known as The #1 Fan of William Shatner’s #1 Fan.

The Shatinator and The Fan Formerly Known as The #1 Fan of William Shatner’s #1 Fan walked up to the house and peered in the window. They saw Sithlord playing with an Anakin Skywalker dolly. He was changing it into different outfits and baby talking to it. “Who’s da cutest wittle sith lord in the galaxy-walaxy? You are Ani-poopkins! Yes you are! Yes you are!”

“This makes me sick!” said The Fan Formerly Known as The #1 Fan of William Shatner’s #1 Fan. “Let’s kick his ass!”

“Don’t worry,” said the Shatnaholic. “We will kick his ass. And we’ll do it with Shatner style!”

William Shatner and The Fan Formerly Known as The #1 Fan of William Shatner’s #1 Fan gave each other a high five and walked into the house.

When Sithlord saw them coming he started to cry like a little girl. “Do what you will with me, but please don’t hurt my Anakin Skywalker dolly!” he begged.

The Fan Formerly Known as The #1 Fan of William Shatner’s #1 Fan took the dolly and started to twist its head off. Sithlord could only cry harder.

The Shatmaestro put his hand on the dolly to stop The Fan Formerly Known as The #1 Fan of William Shatner’s #1 Fan from twisting off the head. “What did I tell you? We’re stomping ass, Shatner style!” He took the dolly from The Fan Formerly Known as The #1 Fan of William Shatner’s #1 Fan and snapped it in half between his mighty fingers.

“No!” cried Sithlord. “Only my Darth Maul dolly is supposed to break in half!”

“Shut up.” said the Shatador. “I understand you’ve been posting hateful comments on the I Hate Star Wars Club blog.”

“No, sir!” said Sithlord.

The Shatnaholic yelled, “Don’t lie to me!” and backhanded Sithlord knocking three teeth from his mouth. “Next time you lie to me, I’ll be forced to use my right hand!” Sithlord cowered in fear.

“We don’t want to see you on the I Hate Star Wars Club blog again!” said The Fan Formerly Known as The #1 Fan of William Shatner’s #1 Fan.

“I’m so sorry!” cried Sithlord. “I swear I’ll never do it again.

“You’d better not,” warned Shatster, “or I’ll…” he gestured as if he was about to backhand Sithlord again. “Come on, The Fan Formerly Known as The #1 Fan of William Shatner’s #1 Fan, let’s get out of here. Let the baby Star Wars goon cry.”

The GrandShat and The Fan Formerly Known as The #1 Fan of William Shatner’s #1 Fan walked out of Sithlord’s house and got back into the car. Sithlord had learned his lesson. He never bothered the I Hate Star Wars Club blog again.

Weekend Post #17: The Trouble With Tribbles pt 4

Hey I Hate Star Wars Club members. I’m in upstate New York tonight at my brother’s house. When my nephews went to bed tonight, they asked their mom to read them a book. I asked if I could handle the bedtime story tonight and my sister-in-law said I could. I made up this story on the spot. It was so good I just had to type it up and share it with you. My sister-in-law was mad because she thought it was too violent and would give her boys nightmares but she doesn’t know what she’s talking about. I think it’s a perfect bedtime story for children and I recommend you all read it to your kids tonight.

One day, Anakin Skywalker flew his space ship to a remote planet. He wanted some alone time so that the other Sith Lords wouldn’t see him cry.

He landed his space ship in the wasteland where he was sure no one would find him. He sat down in the mud and began to ball like a girl. Giant tears rolled down his cheeks and landed in his lap making it look like he wet his pants. When Anakin saw that he was doubly glad that no other Sith were around because they would certainly tease him about it. They teased him about everything, especially for getting beat up by tribbles all the time. Every time he saw the Sith Lords, they would laugh at him. That’s why he had come to this remote place. “I’m never going home!” he wailed.

Anakin cried for a couple of hours. Eventually he cried himself to sleep.

The next morning when Anakin awoke, he removed his thumb from his mouth and noticed a tribble bouncing along in the distance. “Ooh! I hate tribbles so much!” Anakin could feel the dark side of the force flowing through him. He ran as fast as could to catch up with the tribble. Normally, a tribble could easily outrun Anakin Skywalker, but this tribble was just enjoying a leisurely stroll and correctly assumed that a weakling like Anakin Skywalker posed no threat to him. He whistled a happy tune as the raging Sith Lord ran up from behind.

Anakin ran in front of the tribble and blocked his path. “None of the Sith Lords like me and it’s all your fault!” Anakin yelled. “I’m going to kill you and any other tribble I see!” The tribble yawned. “This time,” said Anakin, his eyes glowing with an evil yellow tint, “I’m not messing around.” He pulled out his light saber and pointed it at the tribble. “Time to die, tribble.”

Anakin fiercely swung his light saber at the tribble, who rolled aside just before the light saber hit the ground causing a small cloud of dirt to appear. Anakin swung his light saber again and this time the tribble rolled between Anakin’s feet.

“You’re quick!” yelled Anakin, “but your speed can’t save you!” Anakin started waving his light saber like a mad man, striking the ground in random places as fast as he could. The tribble giggled with amusement as he deftly parried every one of Anakin’s pathetic attacks. “Don’t laugh at me!” yelled Anakin, “My hatred is giving me power that you can’t comprehend!” He gripped his light saber like a dagger and lunged at the tribble, who once again rolled between Anakin’s feet. Anakin swung to catch the tribble on the other side and accidentally cut off his own left foot.

Anakin dropped his light saber and once again started to cry. “I already have a robot arm! Now I need a robot foot too!” He held his foot in his hands and gazed at it with tear-filled eyes. “I can’t do anything right! No wonder all the Sith Lords hate me! I can’t even kill a tribble!” He threw his useless foot on the ground and let the tears flow.

The tribble, though tiny, had a large heart. He rolled up to Anakin and purred sympathetically.

Anakin slapped him away. “I don’t need your sympathy, tribble. This is all your fault!” Anakin reached for his foot and threw it at the tribble, missing by a foot. The tribble purred again but Anakin yelled, “I HATE YOU!! Go away and leave me alone!” He picked up a fistful of dirt and threw it at the tribble.

Tribbles are very fastidious creatures and they detest getting dirt in their fur. Throwing dirt is the gravest insult that can be given in the tribble culture. Anakin didn’t know this, of course, but his ignorance couldn’t save him from the tribble’s wrath. For most people, a tribble’s wrath is not a problem because they can easily brush an attacking tribble aside. Anakin Skywalker though, is not most people.

Anakin sobbed for several more minutes before he noticed that the tribble’s purrs had turned to growls. He cautiously looked up. Anakin could tell from the luster of the tribble’s coat that it had brought the pain and was ready to serve it ice cold. He grabbed his light saber and pointed it at the tribble. “You stay away from me! I’ve suffered enough already!”

The tribble yelled, “Whatever Sucka!” and leapt through air. Anakin covered his face with his hands as the tribble slammed into his chest. Anakin coughed and tasted blood.

“That’s it!” he cried. “I’m going to kill you!” He balanced on his remaining foot and started to hop after the tribble, swinging his light saber wildly.

Suddenly, a distinctive voice echoed throughout the horizon. “Why don’t you pick on somebody your own size?” Anakin turned his head to see Captain Kirk, who just happened to be his own size, standing behind him.

“You don’t understand!” whined Anakin. “This tribble started it! I was just defending myself!” Kirk glared at him and Anakin pointed to the bloody stump on the end of his leg. “Look what he did to me! He cut off my foot!”

Captain Kirk laughed. “Don’t lie to me Sithy-Poo. I’ve watched everything that happened since you landed here.”

“How? That’s impossible!”

“I put a tracking device on your ship at the space bar. I had a hunch that you didn’t learn your lesson about picking on tribbles even after you got beat up for a third time.” Kirk’s eyes glanced downward. “Did you wet your pants?”

“NO!” cried Anakin. Kirk bellowed in laughter. “Don’t laugh at me!” yelled Anakin, “Or I’ll—”

“You’ll what?” demanded Kirk, “Point your glow stick at me? Don’t make me laugh.”

“Don’t underestimate my powers!” said Anakin. Just as he finished the sentence, the tribble leapt up and tapped him on the back, causing him to lose his balance and fall face first into the dirt.

Kirk laughed again. He turned to the tribble and said, “I think he’s been humbled enough for today. Let’s get him back to his ship and send him home.” The tribble chirped in agreement. Kirk extended his hand to Anakin who eyed it suspiciously.

“I don’t need your help, Kirk. In fact,” his eyes glowed with the evil yellow tint again, “you’re the one that needs help!” Anakin used his Sith powers to mentally levitate a rock and launch it towards Kirk’s head. Kirk scowled in annoyance as he used his phaser to blast the rock to a cloud of dust.

Anakin trembled in terror as Kirk’s gaze returned to him. “I tried to be nice to you.” Kirk said. “I tried to help you out because I’m one of the good guys. But you just keep pissing me off!”

“Are you going to kill me?” cried Anakin?

“Do I look like a murderer?” said Kirk with nobility clearly ringing through his voice. “Of course I’m not going to kill you. But I am going to teach you yet another lesson!” He turned to the tribble and said, “Do your worst.”

Anakin wailed in fear and pleaded with the tribble to forgive him. “Whatever, Sucka!” yelled the tribble. He picked up Anakin’s discarded foot and began to smack Anakin with it.

“Stop kicking your own ass!” laughed Captain Kirk.

“I’m not! Make the tribble stop!”

“You are kicking your own ass! That’s your foot isn’t it?”

Captain Kirk’s hilarious joke was lost on Anakin, who could only cower and cry until the smack down was complete.

After Anakin’s ass had been thoroughly stomped, the tribble tossed his foot at him and hopped in Captain Kirk’s arms. Kirk looked down at Anakin and said, “I hope this time you remember that it doesn’t pay to mess with tribbles.” He grabbed his communicator and said, “Two to beam up, Scotty. Me and a tribble.”

As Captain Kirk disappeared into the transporter beam, Anakin growled, “I’m not finished with you, Captain James T. Kirk. You haven’t seen the last of Anakin Skywalker.”

Weekday Post #41: Playground Joke for the Kidz pt 2

Sorry Club Members, this is going to be a short post today. My mom and I are driving upstate to visit my brother and his wife. My mom wants to help them with baby stuff. (Like they need her help! This is their third child! I think they know what to do already!) Believe me, I’d rather stay here and write posts for you but mom says that we’re leaving in 15 minutes so I can’t “waste time on the blog thingie.” I said we could wait an hour and not fight traffic but NO! It’s so urgent that we leave right now.

Lest you think I’ve forgotten the club mission in light of all this special family time, let me share with you another Playground Joke for the Kidz. I’ve designed this series of jokes to help young children teach their playmates that Star Wars sucks through simpleton humor that their undeveloped minds can understand.

Hey kids. It’s Uncle William Shatner’s #1 Fan. Do you ever hear your school friends talk about Star Wars? Of course you do. The next time that you hear one of your little chums talk about Star Wars just say, “I’m feeling sick!” When the young Star Wars goon asks you what kind of sickness you feel, respond, “Sick of Star Wars! Long Live Star Trek!” Then, push the kid down so that he’ll understand that liking Star Wars causes pain.

Speaking of “Kidz,” I’m excited to see my two nephews this weekend. I don’t get to spend as much time with them as I do my niece since they live so far away. I’m going to make sure that my brother is raising them right by showing them episodes of Star Trek: TOS before they go to sleep at night.

My mom is screeching at me. I’d better get out of here. Don’t worry club members, my brother has the Internet so I’ll be able to post over the weekend. The only thing that sucks is that he has a Mac and who knows how to run one of those idiotic machines. I bet George Lucas probably does because the Star Wars script sucked so badly, he could only have written it on a Mac. Man I wish my mom would chill out! Later!

Weekday Post #40: The Borg Lay the Smack Down

A long time ago in a galaxy far far away there was one little geek who thought Star Wars was cooler than Star Trek. But he got killed by the Borg.

Weekday Post #39: A Fan Club of My Own

An I Hate Star Wars Club Member recently left a comment on this blog praising me for my impressive victories in the fight against the Star Wars scourge. The comment was left anonymously, but the I Hate Star Wars Club Member did identify himself (or herself, I hope!) as “#1 Fan of William Shatner’s #1 Fan.”

I suppose that a fan club developing for me was inevitable. This blog is enormously successful and I am a charismatic individual with just enough enigmatic traits to keep the masses guessing about my personality. While I am flattered by the attention, I must insist that you disband “William Shatner’s #1 Fan Fan Club” and focus your attentions and efforts wholly on the I Hate Star Wars Club, for it is greater than any one man—even me.

In this matter, I look to the master himself, William Shatner, as my example. He does not demand a fan club to heap praise upon him. He simply and humbly works to change the world and to eliminate Star Wars. Whether anyone notices his efforts or not is of no concern to him. He fights for principle and to truly please him, I must do the same.

I am not writing this blog for fame or money. I will never write a tell-all autobiography or authorize a television movie-of-the-week based on my life story because I want people to focus on the mission of destroying Star Wars, not on the humble father of the movement. To all my many fans, let me say that I appreciate your kind words, but if you really want to honor me, tell a friend that Star Wars sucks. A personal fan club would bring me a fleeting happiness but a Star Wars fan forsaking his or her Star Wars DVDs and casting them into the fire gives me joy unbounded.

Weekday Post #38: Young Captain Kirk?

A lot of I Hate Star Wars Club members have emailed me wanting to know what I thought about the new Star Trek movie featuring a young Captain Kirk. I have been thinking about it a lot recently. (I didn’t sleep at all last night because I was so excited about the movie so I’m very tired today. Forgive me if this post doesn’t make a lot of sense.)

I am an active member of the campaign to Bring Back Kirk so I am obviously thrilled to see his character return—though this isn’t exactly what we had in mind. The tale of Captain Kirk’s experiences at the Star Fleet Academy will be fascinating, but we were hoping that Paramount would repent for the ignoble and humiliating way that they killed Captain Kirk in Star Trek: Generations. Sadly, it appears that we will now have to wait until Star Trek XII to discover the true cause of Kirk’s death. (It sure as hell wasn’t falling off a cliff!)

I have another significant problem with relating the story of a youthful Captain Kirk. William Shatner is 75-years-old and despite his phenomenal acting abilities, he may not be able to realistically portray a 20-year-old man. This means that Paramount pictures would have to cast someone else in the role, which as far as I’m concerned is heresy. Besides, what actor would be foolish enough to take a role that gives the critics ample opportunity to ruthlessly compare him to our generations’ greatest living actor, William Shatner? Messing up this role would be a guaranteed career killer!

Still, I can’t help but be overjoyed by the news of a new Star Trek movie. Even though a different actor will be portraying Kirk, I believe that iconic character’s return to the screen will help the mindless sheep that paid hard-earned money to see Star Wars realize the error of their ways. Captain Kirk is the very definition of cool and no one who sees him in a film will ever want to watch a loser like Hayden Christensen in a film again. Star Trek XI (with a little help from this humble blog) could finally mark the end of the pathetic Star Wars franchise!

Weekday Post #37: Lost Creator Officially Switches Allegiance from Star Wars to Star Trek

I always knew that the I Hate Star Wars Club wielded considerable worldwide influence, but I never expected such exceptional results to the club’s mission so soon.

Thanks to my tireless efforts, J.J. Abrams has apparently repented of the great wrong he has done to humanity by subliminally inserting Star Wars ads into his TV show Lost. I am excited to announce that he has decided to turn his talents, which I am now willing to confess that he has, to directing the next Star Trek movie! Even the Lost geeks are talking about it! Thanks to all the members of the I Hate Star Wars Club for writing letters to Mr. Abrams asking him to convert to Star Trek. Although this blog is primarily responsible for his surprising defection from “the dark side,” you all played a small role in helping this happen and you should feel great about that.

Though this happy development seems legit, I'm not 100% convinced that Mr. Abrams’s intentions are entirely noble. His reputation of being one of the sneakier Star Wars Goons will be hard to shake and he will have to work hard to earn my trust. Fear not club members, I will carefully monitor these developments and will pounce if he tries any underhanded Star Wars promotions. For example, if he casts Hayden Christensen as young Captain Kirk, I'll stomp his ass Shatner-style!"

More on the exciting movie news tomorrow!

Weekend Post #16: I Fight for the Greater Good

My sister’s boyfriend came over for supper tonight. I was in sort of a pissy mood about it because my sister had told me not to talk about Star Trek or the I Hate Star Wars Club blog when he was over and my mom made me take my Starship Voyager model out of the living room. I felt like I was just supposed to be a doll who sat in the corner and never said anything. However, my mom cooked her world-famous stuffed cabbage (my favorite recipe), which cheered me up considerably.

After supper, we all sat in the living room to visit. I really wanted to go and watch Wrath of Khan, but my mother had insisted before dinner that I couldn’t “hide in my bedroom” as soon as I was done eating. But it was okay at first because the guy was actually pretty nice. I mostly kept my mouth shut and listened to everyone talk about the cool things he had done. He went to Bolivia last year to help dig wells for a village and the year before that he went to Ecuador to teach people some basic faming skills.

His other big thing was fighting for endangered species. Every time that he went to Central America, he spent part of his time studying the endangered species in the rain forest. Of course, at this point, I wanted to tell him about how Captain Kirk had saved the humpback whale from extinction in Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, but every time I started to open my mouth, my sister would glare at me.

After telling a few more stories and talking with my mom a lot, he turned to me and said, “What do you do?” I told him that I was a telemarketer and he said, “No, I meant, what do you do in your spare time?” I didn’t know what to say. Both my sister and my mom had threatened my life if I brought up the I Hate Star Wars Club blog so I just sort of sat there looking dumb. He spared me though by bringing it up himself. “Your sister says you write a blog about Star Wars.”

“I write about hating Star Wars.” I paused, waiting for someone to say something, but everyone just stared at me so I added, “It sucks because it makes people stupid.”

He nodded and said, “Your sister tells me you spend quite a bit of time on the internet. She worries about you.” My sister tried to interrupt him but he continued, “Have you ever thought of using all that time for something more valuable?” I was immediately annoyed. He went on, “I think you’d be a lot happier if you directed your energy into volunteering at our non-profit.”

My sister said, “That really wouldn’t be—” but her boyfriend interrupted her again.

“We’re looking for someone with good computer and internet skills who can donate an hour or two a day to researching issues pertaining to endangered species and update our blog with news articles and commentary. You obviously have the time available, and I think you would feel a greater sense of self-satisfaction by helping us.”

I tried to smile politely as I said, “Thank you, but I think I’m more interested in writing about how much Star Wars sucks.”

He said, “Deforestation is killing as many as 1,000 species of plants and animals a year. Don’t you think that’s a little more important than whether or not people watch Star Wars or Star Trek?”

I’d had it. I didn’t yell at him, but I forcibly said, “For your information, Star Wars teaches that urbanization can spread across an entire planet, wiping out any rainforests that may have been there. That’s the ideology I’m fighting! Star Trek teaches us to respect and preserve nature! By telling everyone to quit watching Star Wars and to embrace the values of Star Trek, I’m doing more to protect the environment than you tree huggers will ever do! You should be helping me, not the other way around”

He looked like I had just blasted him with a phaser set to stun, undoubtedly shocked that I had so thoroughly dismantled his argument. My sister quickly mumbled some goodbyes to my mom and pulled her boyfriend towards the door. I smirked as I said it was really nice to meet him.

As my mom closed the door behind them she said, “What the hell is wrong with you? He’ll probably never want to come here again!”

I said, “I didn’t want to write his stupid blog for him!”

“You could have just politely said ‘no thank you’ and let the matter drop. But you had to go on and on with your nonsense about that stupid Star Wars blog saving the world!”

I said, “It isn’t nonsense! It’s true! And it’s obvious that my sister has been talking about me behind me back! Her boyfriend knew all about my blog even though I didn’t say a word about it. And why wasn’t I allowed to mention my blog when he could talk about his? Who does he think he is, coming into my apartment—”

“This isn’t your apartment,” my mom yelled. “It’s mine. I can’t have any company over because of your stupid obsession with Star Wars. I don’t want it to happen again! My guests will feel welcome in this house, do you understand me?”

I said, “The only people who don’t feel welcome around me are Star Wars goons. Are you planning on having some of them for dinner next weekend?”

My mom turned around and went to her bedroom without saying another word. I probably didn’t need to be so rude to her, but she needed to understand my point. I have a great calling in life and until I finish the work, there are going to be some challenges.

So now, my mom and my sister are mad at me again. It’ll blow off like it always does, but it still pisses me off that I’m in trouble for standing up for the truth. It makes me hate Star Wars even more. If that movie didn’t exist, I wouldn’t have to go through all this crap!

Weekend Post #15: Who the Hell is Greedo?

Some eagle-eyed I Hate Star Wars Club members may have noticed that the majority of my comments have dealt with the astoundingly terrible character, Anakin Skywalker. I’ve gotten a few emails asking if I truly hate Star Wars or if I primarily hate Anakin Skywalker.

While it’s true that I detest Anakin Skywalker and laugh heartily every time someone says that he is an excellent swordsman, he is not the sole subject of my loathing. The entire Star Wars series is an unfunny joke; Anakin is just the character that I’m most familiar with so he receives the brunt of my criticism.

However, I know very well that it’s important to attack other aspects of the series as well. Sometimes I fear that I am not adequately prepared to do that. Let me illustrate with a story. Yesterday, a Star Wars fan coworker mentioned a character called Greedo and I didn’t say anything because I had no idea who that was. Everyone in the office laughed at me because I didn’t have a witty comment about how much Star Wars sucked. My manager, a card carrying Star Wars goon, said that I was losing my edge.

I don’t want something like that to ever happen again. I refuse to let my lack of knowledge about Star Wars prevent me from destroying it. I’ve come to realize that in order to convince Star Wars fans that the series is terrible, I’m going to have to learn more about it so that I can more thoroughly discredit it. For this reason, and let me emphasize, this reason alone, I am going to take a bullet for the entire I Hate Star Wars Club, and watch the series. This way, I can take detailed notes while I watch and use them to make posts that will bring the miserable franchise to its knees.

I know that by doing this, I am taking a significant risk that I will enjoy the movies and become a Star Wars fan. If I turn into a Star Wars goon, I will become an enemy to all of my readers and worldwide club members. I’d have to change my name to Hayden Christensen’s #1 Fan and live in hiding.

Psych! Don’t make me laugh! Star Wars sucks! There’s no way I’ll get hooked on those lame movies. The only risk I’m taking is that I’ll overdose on Pepto-Bismol when I’m trying to control my nausea during the romance scenes between Anakin and Padmé.

Weekday Post #36: Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner

Tonight, my mother informed me that my sister would be coming for dinner on Sunday and that she would be bringing her new boyfriend to meet the family. I didn’t even know my sister was dating anyone and I’m a little upset to find out that she’s been with someone for a month yet I didn’t hear about it until today.

So then, my mom tells me to be on my best behavior because my sister was nervous about introducing this guy to me. Apparently, he doesn’t like Star Wars or Star Trek and thinks that both series are a huge waste of time. Mom said he wouldn’t think too highly of the blog and my sister didn’t even want to mention it. I said it didn’t matter because I’d probably just play with my niece anyway, but mom said that my sister got a babysitter for the evening so I would have to talk with the grownups for once. (She can be so condescending sometimes. It really pisses me off.)

It sounds like this new guy isn’t exactly a Star Wars goon, which means my sister has some taste in men. But I don’t like having to pretend to be someone I’m not. I don’t want to sit around and talk about politics or where to buy the best couscous or whatever it is that yuppies talk about. I want to talk about how much Star Wars sucks and maybe even help this guy to appreciate the value of Star Trek. It’s not me being selfish; I just want to help my sister. I know that she’d be happiest with a Star Trek fan so I can’t let her get serious with this guy unless I know that he shares our family values.

Anyway, I promised my mom I’d be good, but as far as he’s concerned, if this dude wants to be involved with my sister’s family, that means being involved with the I Hate Star Wars Club.

Weekday Post #35: 50 Posts! 50 Reasons to Hate Star Wars!

When I started this blog in March, my sister said that she thought that I’d lose interest in it after a few days. She showed me an article she found online about how several blogs are never updated after the first post and a significant percentage of them never reach the ten post milestone. She thought that the I Hate Star Wars Blog would end up being nothing more than just another sad statistic in an article on abandoned blogs.

I don’t know why my sister thought that I lacked the determination and willpower to maintain this blog, but it is with great satisfaction that I prove her wrong. Fifty Posts is an impressive milestone for any blog, but it is doubly so for the I Hate Star Wars Club because I have had to vigilantly stay one step ahead of the Star Wars goons, overcome persecution at work, and deal with a surprising lack of support at home.

Because I just barely wrote a month-in-review feature, I’m not going to yield to the temptation to reflect back on the first 50 posts. Doing so at this point in the blog’s history would only risk inflating my ego, which could make me vulnerable to stealth attacks from the Star Wars militia. I must stay alert and focus on the club’s future goals, rather than reveling in its past accomplishments. I will therefore limit my celebrations today to simply saying: Congratulations to me on fifty excellent posts. May the next fifty be even more devastating to Star Wars.

The next time you meet a person who likes Star Wars, say to him or her, “I know fifty reasons why it sucks. Let me tell you about a great blog you should read.”

Weekday Post #34: Natalie Would Look Good in Red

Padmé Amidala is a senator? Don't make me laugh! In Star Trek, she'd be a red shirt character and die before she could masacre a line. HA!

Weekday Post #33: Playground Joke for the Kidz

I get email all the time from kids who want to know how to tell their playmates that Star Wars sucks. First off, I’d like to commend these children for being willing to play with their Star Wars fan classmates. I believe that young Star Wars fans may learn from your excellent examples and eventually turn their allegiances to Star Trek.

To answer the question of how best to tell your playground friends that Star Wars sucks, I would suggest telling simple jokes—nothing too complex! Remember, children are very dim-witted (Star Wars fan children are, of course, doubly stupid) so they can’t understand complex humor. I recommend Knock Knock Jokes that teach simple lessons about Star Trek superiority. Feel free to use the joke provided below.

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Boo
Boo who?
Why are you crying, Jedi Scum? If Captain Kirk were here, he’d give you something to cry about!

Weekday Post #32: Hate Paying Taxes? Blame Star Wars!

If anyone still needs proof that Star Trek is better than Star Wars, they need look no further than today: Tax Day. Every year, I have to go to the 24-hour post office at 11:45 pm and mail my stupid taxes in. I hate filling out the stupid 1040 EZ form and I really hate that the government takes money out of my paycheck in the first place!

You may be wondering what this has to do with the epic clash between Star Trek and Star Wars. The answer is simple, money. The characters in Star Wars use it, the characters in Star Trek don’t. It’s that simple. Wherever there is money, there are taxes. Captain Kirk and the heroic crew of the U.S.S. Enterprise never had to worry about filing out 1040 forms because they lived in a perfect society where people worked for the betterment of the community and the galaxy at large rather than for personal income. Anakin Skywalker and his Star Wars goon friends all have to pay taxes because they all selfishly work for paychecks. Hell, even the “plot” (if you can call it that) of Star Wars Episode I revolved around the unfair taxation of trade routes. (Just typing that sentence almost bored me to tears!)

I’m not a fool. I know that even in the world of Star Trek, the use of money wasn’t discontinued until after Dr. Zefram Cochrane invented the warp drive and made contact with the Vulcans in the year 2063. But still, our society invented cell phones that somewhat replicated the functionality of Communicators decades ahead of schedule (according to Star Trek time). Every year at this time, I ask myself, why can’t our society move equally fast at adapting the economics of Star Trek? I fear that until we can elect a government that idolizes the utopian future of Star Trek instead of the woefully lucre-based future envisioned by Star Wars, we will be stuck handing over huge chunks of our hard-earned paychecks to the Star Wars goons in the government.

Weekend Post #14: Month in Review pt 2

The posts on this blog have varied greatly in style. There’s been short stories, hilarious jokes, hard-hitting analysis, helpful tips you can use on Star Wars fans in your life, and furious rants. Yet through the diversity, the message has always remained the same: Star Wars must go!

The posting style that received the most reader feedback was my indirect assault on Star Wars through the ABC television series, Lost. While every club member agreed that he or she would rather be watching Star Trek than Lost, many were surprised that I chose to write about hating Lost in the I Hate Star Wars Club blog. However, I firmly believe our society cannot truly forget about Star Wars until popular culture quits mentioning it. I’m happy to report that that post achieved its goal. Lost is currently on a break, presumably so that the writers can frantically rewrite the season finale without a Dharma Star Wars DVD drop on the island. So great has been our success, that I plan on expanding the indirect assaults on Star Wars through other aspects of popular culture in the future.

The I Hate Star Wars Club has made quite an impact on the world. It’s been blogged about and been the topic of countless water cooler discussions. I’m a little surprised that it hasn’t yet received any national news coverage, but that can’t be far away. First, reporters will want to know why Star Wars sales and rentals have so dramatically declined and second, my personal story of turning a humble dream into a genuine worldwide phenomenon within one short month is very inspirational. (Reporters who wish to get the scoop on the competition can email me to set up an interview)

As remarkable as our achievements have been, we can’t relax yet! I’ve set some goals for April and May that this blog will work towards and achieve.
Develop and expand the new “Head to Head” feature.
Start a new short story series.
Continue the exciting trend of decreasing Star Wars availability.
Introduce 5,000 new readers to the blog. (You can help by telling your friends to subscribe to the blog!)
Build on the incredible momentum we’ve created to kill off Star Wars once and for all.

Weekend Post #13: Month in Review pt 1

Now that this blog is well into its second month, I thought we should take a moment to look back at our accomplishments in March as well as set some goals for April. Today, I’ll examine the club’s progress toward its overall goal and tomorrow I’ll talk about the different methods we’ve used in achieving that progress.

The primary goal of the club, for those few who haven’t bothered to read the older posts, is to eradicate Star Wars from the face of the Earth. It’s a tough battle, but I’m pleased to report that we have already had some significant victories. I will share an experience that demonstrates the amazing results that the I Hate Star Wars Club Official Blog has generated in its first month.

One of the ways I measure overall Star Wars saturation is by counting the copies of Star Wars films available to rent at the local movie and magazine shop. Here are the stats for the day that this blog was launched:

Available Star Wars Copies as of 03/01/2006

Title	Number of Copies
A New Hope	One (1)
The Empire Strikes Back	One (1)
Return of the Jedi	One (1)
The Phantom Menace	One (1)
Attack of the Clones	Four (4)
Revenge of the Sith	Six (6)
Total Available	Fourteen (14)

Here are the stats as of yesterday:

Available Star Wars Copies as of 04/14/2006

Title	Number of Copies
A New Hope	One (1)
The Empire Strikes Back	One (1)
Return of the Jedi	One (1)
The Phantom Menace	One (1)
Attack of the Clones	One (1)
Revenge of the Sith	Three (3)
Total Available	Eight (8)

That is an amazing 46.7% reduction in total available copies. I asked the owner of the shop why this occurred and he told me that because his store was so small he had to quickly get rid of movies that nobody rented to make room for films with greater demand.

And what films have a greater demand? I think the answer is pretty obvious—Star Trek! There are ten total available copies of Star Trek films available at his rental shop, 25% more than Star Wars! Obviously, the demand for Star Trek is forcing Star Wars off the shelf. I think everyone can agree that those statistics are very exciting; and though I have no direct proof of this, I can’t help but surmise that the I Hate Star Wars Club played a significant role.

Weekday Post #31: My Life’s Mission

I’ve gotten several emails this week from I Hate Star Wars Club members who were worried about my emotional well-being after reading last week’s feature, William Shatner’s #1 Fan’s Great Parenting Advice. Some eagle-eyed readers thought they detected a hint of poignancy in those posts. I went back and reread them and realized that I may have given the impression that I was sad about my two siblings having children while I am single and live with my mom.

To answer the question that so many of you have asked, I suppose I am a little sad about my situation. I do think it would be wonderful to share my life with someone who shared my loves (Star Trek) and my hates (Star Wars). However, I am not so desperate to be with someone that I am willing to compromise my values by romancing someone who can only meet me halfway in my goal of destroying Star Wars.

I don’t normally like to divulge personal information on this blog, but I will make an exception to share an example from my romantic life. The last girl I “dated” claimed to be a Star Trek fan, yet on the third date she suggested that we do something else besides watch a Star Trek movie. I’m an all-or-nothing kind of guy and I refuse to give up my nightly ritual for any girl. Not only that, but she also thought it was gross that I farted any time someone mentioned Star Wars. Even though I explained to her why I did it, she still told me to stop if I wanted a good night kiss. Any chick that thinks I will discard my integrity because of temporary physical pleasure is not the chick for me.

So please do not worry about me. I am happy in my life because I have a mission: Destroying Star Wars. A woman in my life would only distract me from that noble purpose. Just as monks and priests must remain celibate to bring about a greater good, so it seems, must I. When the higher goal is completed and Star Wars is nowhere to be found on the Earth, then, and only then, will I take a wife.

Weekday Post #30: Head to Head – Androids

Weekday Post #30: Head to Head 1 – Androids
Both Star Wars and Star Trek feature an Android as a main character, C3PO in the former and Data in the latter. While they both are generally human-like in appearance, the two are far from equal. Which one is better? That’s the question that I’ll answer in today’s Head to Head.

Head to Head 1 – Lieutenant Commander Data vs C3PO

Category	Data	C3PO
Primary Function	Science Officer and 3rd in Command on the U.S.S. Enterprise	Pun Generator
Special Ability	Feels emotion thanks to a specially designed microchip	Operates as normal when head is on backwards
Movement	Fluid and natural and humanlike motion	Herky-jerky waddling
Designed by	Noonien Soong, Earth's foremost robotic scientist	An inbred kid (only one parent, think about it!) whose social skills are limited to yelling “Yippy!”
Design Purpose	Fulfill Isaac Asimov's dream of a positronic brain	Help pick mushrooms
Cohorts	The heroic crew of the U.S.S. Enterprise	Upside down garbage can “robot” with a speaker so primitive that it couldn’t even replicate a ring tone
Referred to by others as	A friend	A ‘droid. (That’s not even grammatically correct! The word is Android!)
Notable Achievement	Sacrificed himself to save his friends	Once generated a pun while whining about having head drug through the sand
Performed by	Brent Spiner, who’s been in several movies including Independence Day, I Am Sam, and The Aviator	Anthony Daniels, who has been in nothing (he suffers from the Star Wars Curse)

Which Android has the advantage? Obviously, Data wins, no contest. Let no one ever tell you that Star Trek and Star Wars are the same because they both have androids in them again!

Weekday Post #29: Head to Head: An Exciting New Blog Feature

I was thinking about yesterday’s post and I realized that first-time readers who are unfamiliar with my reputation for impeccable integrity might be unwilling to accept the fact that Star Trek is fundamentally superior to Star Wars based on my word only. Additionally, I know that many “art film snobs” have highly analytical minds that are inspired to truth through unbiased scientific data rather than sentimental supplications to believe. For this reason, I believe that yesterday’s post unfortunately may not have reached its intended audience.

To remedy this problem, I have decided to add a new feature to this blog called “Head to Head: A Scholarly Comparison of Star Wars and Star Trek.” This feature will discuss the elements that the two film series have in common in an empirical and neutral style. I will use examples from both films to demonstrate the different ways that the two apply similar sci-fi devices, such as the aforementioned robots, laser guns, and holograms. By this method, I will be able to convince all rational people that Star Trek should be a part of their lives and should certainly not be categorized with the vastly inferior Star Wars. I believe that the evidence will be so compelling that even the most zealous of Star Wars fans will grudgingly concede Star Trek’s superiority.

“Head to Head” will be a long running series with each installment focusing on a specific element that the two franchises share. The first segment will appear tomorrow and then once every week or two thereafter. The posts will be somewhat similar to my precious “Versus” posts, such as Jedi vs. Vulcans and the recent Gungans vs. Scots, though they will of course be much more methodical. The “Head to Head” feature is not, however, replacing the “Versus” posts because both styles serve a unique purpose, the former slams Star Wars with facts while the latter slams it with jokes.

The new “Head to Head” feature is an exciting checkpoint in the I Hate Star Wars Club’s quest to eliminate Star Wars from the face of the Earth. The public is ready for the truth and I’m ready to deliver it to them. If I were a Star Wars goon, I’d be very afraid right now.

Weekday Post #28: Star Trek is to Art Films as Spago is to Restaurants

I get email all the time from people who have never seen a Star Wars or a Star Trek film because they mistakenly believe that both franchises are stupid and only appeal to “geeks.” One recent emailer described himself as “an art film snob who would never waste time on either series.” He went on to suggest that I do the same.

The belief that Star Wars and Star Trek are both stupid is actually a common misconception among people who prefer independent film. Unfortunately, many cinemaphiles assume that because both film series take place in space and have the word “star” in their title that they are similar in other ways as well. Many emailers have accentuated that both films feature common sci-fi gadgetry such as robots, laser guns, and holograms, which they claim means that the two movie series are fundamentally the same. However, such a comparison is not accurate because the use of those elements differs considerably.

Let me explain with an allegory. A McDonalds hamburger is made of a meat patty, lettuce, onion, pickle, and bun. The same ingredients are used by Wolfgang Puck for the hamburgers at Spago. Just as Mr. Puck produced a better burger though artistry and skill, Gene Roddenberry created a superior sci-fi story that vastly exceeded the sum of its familiar parts.

Those who erroneously believe that that all sci-fi is stupid (thanks to Star Wars’ unforgivable demeaning of the genre) are denying themselves the pleasure and life-changing experience of watching Star Trek, the greatest cinematic masterpiece of both the 20th and 21st centuries. To the “art film snob” emailer and everyone who feels like him, I declare that I am your brother; I also am an art film snob because I love Star Trek, which is inarguably the most artistic film ever made. Don’t let the wooden acting, asinine dialogue, and banal special effects of Star Wars taint your perception of Star Trek. I guarantee that if you watch it, you will wonder how you ever considered yourself snobbish about cinema without it.

Weekday Post #27: Gungans vs. Scots

So you think that Jar Jar Binks talks funny? HA! Don't make me laugh! Scotty’s accent is 10 times funnier. For example, he calls people "Laddy" It makes me laugh every time!

Take that Jar Jar lovers! (You know who you are!)

Weekend Post #12: William Shatner’s #1 Fan’s Great Parenting Advice… For Boys

I’d be lying to you if I didn’t admit right off the bat that raising boys is hard. Parenting boys presents a special challenge because they are naturally attracted to Star Wars because of the lightsabers. Not only do their immature minds believe that lightsaber fights are “cool,” they are also attracted to them because of the shiny colors and especially their shape. I took a semester of psychology forever ago when I was a student at Borough of Manhattan Community College, and I learned that young men who are discovering their sexuality are attracted to phallic symbols such as cigars, bananas, and lightsabers. If Freud were alive today he would probably go nuts (pun intended) over the perverse mano y mano fights using phallic weaponry that George Lucas flagrantly displays in each of his Star Wars films. Speaking of which, how many people handled Luke Skywalker’s lightsaber? His best friend (Han Solo), his dad (while wearing a black S&M costume), and a weird old man who lives alone in the desert. SICK!!

Boys need a hero to emulate and that hero should obviously be Captain Kirk. While Captain Picard is also a noble man, boys will be able to associate more with Kirk because he was action-orientated while Picard preferred sticking his nose in a book. Now, don’t get me wrong, I support reading, especially of Star Trek novels and this humble blog. However, reading isn’t going to teach our boys the skills they need to survive in a world full of Star Wars goons. Kirk is the perfect example for young men because not only did Kirk make out with any woman he wanted, he kicked ass whenever someone picked a fight with him. This will help the next generation of Star Trek fans learn to defend themselves against cruel high school bullies who want to beat them up just because they love Star Trek. It will also help them realize that they don’t need to be afraid to ask girls on dates because Captain Kirk, their role model, never feared a woman.

Emulation of the other great Star Trek heroes will come in time, but during their formative years, it is imperative that the majority of their attention be directed to Kirk. Only by doing so can we ensure that Star Trek will continue to be a viable franchise and lifestyle choice throughout the next millennium.

Weekend Post #11: William Shatner’s #1 Fan’s Great Parenting Advice… For Girls

Unlike my brother, who lives upstate, my sister lives in the city just a short subway ride away. I have a lot more experience with parenting girls than boys because I get to see her and her daughter so much more often than my brother and his two boys. Now that she’s finally potty trained, I’m willing to babysit her so that my sister can have a bit of a social life. (Actually, mom says that babysitting my niece is the closest thing I do to paying rent and I should do it because it’s not as if I have anywhere to go on weekends anyway.)

This is the primary lesson that I try to teach my niece and that you should teach your girls. Grow up to be a strong woman like Uhura, Janeway, or Seven of Nine. All of these women are great role models because they are valued by their male peers for their intellectual prowess, yet they don’t feel degraded by wearing tight outfits that show off their smoking hot bodies.

Also, help the young girls in your life understand that Padme Skywalker is not a positive role model because a) she sucks and b) she was killed by a weakling a Sith. Just last weekend I told my niece that if Anakin had tried to strangle a real woman, like Uhura, from across the room, she would have marched right up to him and bitch slapped the little twerp. She probably would have phasered him in the nuts too. Feel free to tell that anecdote to your daughters so that they will understand how important choosing the right exemplar is.

Teaching your girls to emulate the heroines on Star Trek will build their self-esteem and help to develop the gender-equal utopia envisioned by Gene Roddenberry. Not only that, but when they get older they will realize that so-called Star Trek Geeks (I hate that term) are the ideal boys to date. The women of this generation never learned that lesson. By teaching our girls from a young age that they should only date men with encyclopedic knowledge of Star Trek, we will ensure that future generations of Star Trek Geeks will never find that the waters at the dating well have run dry.

Weekday Post #26: We’ve LOST the Battle but Not the War with ABC

I have to apologize to those who are looking forward to part two of the series, William Shatner’s #1 Fan’s Great Parenting Advice, but something urgent has just come up which demands immediate attention. I’ll post part two and three of the parenting series this weekend. I apologize for the delay and any inconvenience it may have caused.

Just when we thought that the I Hate Star Wars Club was winning the Lost wars, ABC sucker punched us below the belt. For those who didn’t see the show because of the boycott, this week’s episode of Lost featured a character that compared digital photo editing to movie special effects—specifically the destruction of the Death Star in Star Wars. Needless to say, I was furious. I immediately turned off the TV immediately and vowed that I would never watch the show again and this time I meant it.

Once again, ABC has wasted an opportunity to promote Star Trek in favor of shamelessly shoving the Star Wars lifestyle down our throats. Mentioning the Death Star didn’t even make sense within the context of the scene! A reference to Star Trek would have been infinitely more appropriate. Imagine how much more emotionally powerful and relevant the dialogue would have been if instead of barefacedly plugging Star Wars the character had said this line: “I could have been digitally removed from the photograph with Photoshop. If they can make a Klingon Birds of Prey disappear from the screen when it activates the cloaking device in Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan, then surely they can take me out of a picture.”

Thinking about what could and should have been just makes me sad. ABC didn’t even bother to relate their Star Wars promotion to the plot. They’re getting careless now because they think that nothing can stop them. What does a grossly inaccurate and unrealistic representation of a space station exploding (you can’t have a ring of fire in the vacuum of space) have to do with Lost? Not a thing. The only possibly plot relevance I can see is that they are trying to use Star Wars as a symbolic hint about which characters are bad guys. Yet everybody seems to think that the fat kid is a good guy even though he was twice mentioned Star Wars.

I don’t know about you, but I am sick of ABC trying to force us to accept their twisted Star Wars devotion by blatantly advertising it on prime time television. Let’s show these goons that we’re not scared of them! Once again, we’ll use the comments section of this blog as a petition to have Lost taken off the air. Remember, every vote counts. Last time, only one person signed because everyone else was scared that his or her singular voice couldn’t really make a difference. Rest assured, your voice can and will be heard by the fat cats at ABC! They’ll forever regret the day that they pissed off William Shatner’s #1 Fan and the members of the I Hate Star Wars Club!

Weekday Post #25: William Shatner’s #1 Fan’s Great Parenting Advice… For Babies

If you have a new baby, you’ve probably thought about getting it a mobile to hang over its crib. The trouble is, most mobiles are totally lame and don’t instill any significant values into babies’ developing minds. That’s why I made a Star Trek Action Figure mobile for each of my siblings’ newborns.

They’re really easy to make. All you do is buy a regular mobile and cut off the Winnie the Pooh figures (or whatever crap is hanging off of it) and replace them with U.S.S. Enterprise Crewmember Action Figures. The trouble is, most baby mobiles come with some stupid song like “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” or something. To solve this problem, I jam a screwdriver into the mobile’s speaker until it doesn’t play any more. Then, I play the soundtrack to Star Trek: The Motion Picture on my CD player while the mobile spins.

Benefits to using the Star Trek Action Figure mobile:

• The baby will learn that the crewmembers of the U.S.S. Enterprise are heroes worthy of emulation.
• The baby will hear some of the greatest music ever written. (I also recommend that women play the Star Trek theme directly into their bellies when they are pregnant.)
• The baby will be able to reenact its favorite Star Trek scenes with the action figures when it gets old enough to play with them without slobbering on them.

A Word of Caution:
You might think it’s hilarious to include a Star Wars dolly in the mobile as a joke but this is not a good idea. For example, I once arranged the mobile figures to make it look like Anakin Skywalker was running in a circle from a tribble who wanted to stomp his ass. Unfortunately, babies are very stupid so they can’t understand the joke. Some parents might mistakenly think that their baby is smart enough for sophisticated humor because it laughs when they read The Trouble with Tribbles at bedtime. What these parents don’t realize is that the baby is only laughing because it has to fart and not because it comprehends the story. If you allow your infant any contact with a Star Wars dolly, even in jest, you are risking that your child will grow up to be a Star Wars goon. Always play it safe—only play with Star Trek Action Figures.

Weekday Post #24: Raising Star Trek Fans in a Star Wars Obsessed World

I just learned that my brother’s wife is pregnant with their third child. They weren’t planning on any more kids so this is a big surprise for the family. Although my mom is excited to have a fourth grandbaby (my sister has a daughter), I can’t help but reflect on how frightening it is to raise children in a world so overrun with the vile filth of Star Wars. Everywhere that kids look, there are ads for Star Wars proclaiming that it’s okay to be stupid. The cataclysmic worldwide saturation of Yoda Pepsi cans, Jar Jar Binks dollies, and Darth Vader voice-changing masks is enough to scare a rational person out of bringing children into the world.

Not having any children of my own—or the opportunity to create children (hey, at least I’m not as old as that 40-Year-Old Virgin guy!)—I do what I can to ensure that my niece and two nephews grow up as Star Trek fans. Realizing that some I Hate Star Wars Club members may be luckier in love than I and have children of their own, I have decided to share some of my tips for ensuring that young children realize the truth about Star Wars early so that they’ll know to avoid it in their adult lives. For the remainder of this week, the I Hate Star Wars Club Official Blog will post a series called “William Shatner’s #1 Fan’s Great Parenting Advice.” This series will primarily help parents new to the I Hate Star Wars Club with basic advice but even if you’ve been teaching your children to love Star Trek for years, I guarantee you’ll learn some helpful new techniques.

Weekday Post #23: The DaShatner Code

I get email all the time from I Hate Star Wars Club members wanting to meet me. Unfortunately, I am forced to keep my identity a secret even from club members due to the ever present threat of the Star Wars militia. Please understand that I wish that we could all meet together (if they ever built a convention center big enough to hold us all) and that I could shake each one of your hands but I simply can’t afford to take the risk of letting the Star Wars goons discover who I am. Only my family knows my true identity, and quite frankly, I’m not even sure I can trust them. (They aren’t as devoted to the club as they should be.

However, as you all know, I never disappoint my fans and that is why I am so happy to introduce a new and secure method for I Hate Star Wars Club members to communicate with me secretly, The DaShatner Code. By using The DaShatner Code, you can talk to me freely without worrying that a Star Wars goon will intercept our conversation and discover my identity, which would risk the very existence of the club.

My profession gives me the unique opportunity to personally call private residences across the nation. The trouble is, you never know if it’s me calling so it’s impossible to chat with me on a personal basis. Thankfully, The DaShatner Code solves this problem. Every time a telemarketer calls you, interrupt him or her by proclaiming The DaShatner Code secret phrase, “Death to Star Wars! Long Live Star Trek!” If I am the telemarketer calling you, I will know you are a club member and we can chat. If I’m not the telemarketer, you will have helped spread the word to the person calling you, who will in turn tell the other people he or she calls about the club.

This could also be a great way for I Hate Star Wars Club members to meet. If the telemarketer is a club member, saying The DaShatner Code secret message will allow the two of you to discuss the many ways in which Star Wars sucks. You may strike up a new friendship or even meet that special someone. (Fingers crossed!)

Some of you might be worried that the Star Wars militia might read this blog and discover the key for unlocking The DaShatner Code. Thankfully, Star Wars goons are too stupid to remember the cryptic secret phrase because years of Star Wars viewing has disintegrated their brains. Because you have to say the secret phrase perfectly to identify yourself as a club member, I’m not worried about them fooling me. After all, these people believe that Anakin Skywalker represents the pinnacle of human intellectual achievement and he’s an idiot! I can’t imagine how dumb his followers must be.

Weekday Post #22: Jedi vs. Vulcans

Vulcans say, “Live long and prosper.” But Jedi Knights wouldn't live long against a Vulcan Neck Pinch! Ouch! Anakin Skywalker would cry like a baby and die.

Weekend Post #10: The Star Wars Curse pt 3

One day, Natalie Portman wanted to get some acting work. She heard that Priceline.com was going to make a commercial so she went to audition. When she walked in the door, the director immediately started to laugh at her. “HA HA HA HA HA! The Star Wars girl thinks she can be in our commercial!”

Natalie Portman fought back tears and said, “Why can’t I be in your commercial? It’s not fair!”

The director laughed and said, “You want to know? I’ll show you why you can’t be in out commercial!” He paused for dramatic effect and then pointed to William Shatner who joined the director in a mighty laugh.

“Hello, Star Wars girl,” said the Shatmaster.

Natalie was amazed that the majestic actor knew who she was. Her lip quivered as she humbly whispered, “Did you see me in Star Wars, sir?”

“Are you mad? Of course I didn’t see you in Star Wars! Do you think that I, William Shatner, would watch such a film? Ha! Don’t make me laugh!”

Natalie, summed up all her courage and asked, “Please sir, may I be in a commercial with you?”

“I am history’s greatest living actor,” asked William Shatner. “Why on Earth would they put a terrible actress like you in a commercial with me?”

Natalie Portman fell to her knees. Shatman seemed to radiate with a heavenly glow. She bowed her face to the ground and said, “I am not worthy to be in your presence.”

William Shatner said, “Tell me something I don’t know! Somebody get out of here. She makes me sick.”

Natalie Portman ran to the door wishing she could hide herself from Shatner’s piercing gaze. “Oh Star Wars girl,” called Shatmeister, “Don’t let me catch you shopping on Priceline.com either!”

Natalie fled from the office in tears; she never worked in Hollywood again.

Weekend Post #9: The Trouble With Tribbles pt 3

One day, Anakin Skywalker walked into a space bar. He anxiously looked over his shoulder to make sure he wasn’t followed and then he nervously walked around the bar, cautiously eyeing everyone inside. After thoroughly examining the entire building, Anakin wiped the sweat from his brow allowed his tense muscles to relax. He knew he would be safe here—there were no tribbles inside.

After taking a few minutes to muster his courage, Anakin walked up to the bartender and demanded a free beer.

The bartender said, “I’m sorry sir, but you’ll have to pay for your drink just like everyone else.”

Anakin yelled, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m the toughest Sith in the galaxy! You better give me a free beer or I’ll cut your head off with my lightsaber!”

The bartender yawned. “Sith are pansies,” he said. “Pay for your beer or get out.”

Anakin’s face turned bright red. “I want a free beer! Don’t underestimate my powers!”

Suddenly, a shrill shriek echoed throughout the bar. “Whatever, SUCKA!” Anakin trembled at the familiar words.

Standing in the doorway of the bar was a tribble. Anakin quickly said, “Hey, I’m not looking for trouble. I just want a free drink and I’ll be on my way.”

Of course, the tribble was too smart to fall for Anakin’s lies. He leapt through the air to stomp Anakin’s ass with a jump kick. Anakin just smiled wickedly as he watched the tribble fly through the air.

The bartender yelled to the tribble, “Don’t! It’s a trap!” but it was too late. When the tribble was close enough, Anakin threw a bag over him and quickly closed it with a knot.

“Ha ha, tribble!” said Anakin, “I have you now!” He slammed the bag hard on the counter and laughed as the tribble squealed in pain. “How do you like having your ass stomped, tribble?” He slammed the bag again. “Now you know how I feel!”

The bartender started to yell, but Anakin interrupted him. “Me and this tribble aren’t finished!” He held the bag out and let it dangle from his hand. “We’re going to have some fun before this night ends, aren’t we tribble.” He jabbed the bag with his lightsaber, his finger hovering over the on button. “You’d like me to push it, wouldn’t you, tribble. You’d like me to turn the lightsaber on and end all of your suffering right now. But you’re not going to be so lucky; no quick death for you, I’m afraid.” He raised the bag high over his head, preparing to slam it on the counter again.

A distinctive and noble voice suddenly silenced the bar. “Why don’t you pick on someone your own size?”

Anakin turned and saw Captain James T. Kirk standing in the bar’s doorway. “I’ve got no quarrel with you, Kirk,” he said. “This is between me and the tribble.”

“You will address me as Captain Kirk,” growled the mighty hero, “and if you’ve got a problem with the tribble then you’ve got a problem with me. Untie the bag, and let the tribble go.”

Anakin began to nervously shake. “You don’t understand, Captain Kirk. This tribble has beat me up two times!”

Kirk burst out laughing. “Then you must be a sissy! Tribbles can’t beat up anybody, they’re just little balls of fur!”

“Don’t call me a sissy,” whined Anakin. “I’m a really tough Sith Lord.”

Kirk marched up to Anakin without a word and backhanded him.

Anakin fell to the ground and started to cry. “You didn’t have to hit me so hard!”

Kirk stood over Anakin’s cowering body and said, “You thought that was hard? Release the tribble or I’ll give you a taste of my right hand!”

“Have a taste of my lightning hands!” yelled Anakin and he zapped the captain with a Sith lightning bolt.

Captain Kirk chuckled. “That tickles a little bit. I wish I had lightning hands. Oh well, I guess I’ll have to make due with my lighting box.” He whipped out his phaser and blasted Anakin with it. Anakin girlishly shrieked in fear before collapsing into the fetal position.

Captain Kirk stepped on Anakin’s quivering body as he picked up the bag and freed the captive tribble. “Are you okay, little friend?” he asked. The tribble purred contently in Kirk’s hand. Kirk turned to Anakin. “Get up,” he commanded.

“I can’t!” cried Anakin. “You almost killed me! Just leave me alone and go away. I’ve learned my lesson.”

Kirk kicked Anakin in the guy. “Stop whining! I didn’t almost kill you, the phaser was set to stun! You’ve learned your lesson when I say you’ve learned your lesson!”

“Okay,” said Anakin as he hesitantly pushed himself up, “but just keep that tribble away from me.”

“Actually,” said Kirk, “I think that I’m going to let the tribble have his revenge since you kept him tied up in the bag.”

“NO!” cried Anakin, “Anything but that!”

“Whatever, SUCKA!” yelled the tribble and he jumped down and stomped Anakin’s ass.

Kirk bellowed in laughter. “You really are a sissy! Look everyone, the tribble is kicking his ass!”

Anakin didn’t know if the tears streaming down his cheek were from the embarrassment of everyone in the bar laughing and pointing at him or from the pain of the tribble holding him in an unbreakable headlock.