Weekday Post #25: William Shatner’s #1 Fan’s Great Parenting Advice… For Babies

If you have a new baby, you’ve probably thought about getting it a mobile to hang over its crib. The trouble is, most mobiles are totally lame and don’t instill any significant values into babies’ developing minds. That’s why I made a Star Trek Action Figure mobile for each of my siblings’ newborns.

They’re really easy to make. All you do is buy a regular mobile and cut off the Winnie the Pooh figures (or whatever crap is hanging off of it) and replace them with U.S.S. Enterprise Crewmember Action Figures. The trouble is, most baby mobiles come with some stupid song like “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” or something. To solve this problem, I jam a screwdriver into the mobile’s speaker until it doesn’t play any more. Then, I play the soundtrack to Star Trek: The Motion Picture on my CD player while the mobile spins.

Benefits to using the Star Trek Action Figure mobile:

• The baby will learn that the crewmembers of the U.S.S. Enterprise are heroes worthy of emulation.
• The baby will hear some of the greatest music ever written. (I also recommend that women play the Star Trek theme directly into their bellies when they are pregnant.)
• The baby will be able to reenact its favorite Star Trek scenes with the action figures when it gets old enough to play with them without slobbering on them.

A Word of Caution:
You might think it’s hilarious to include a Star Wars dolly in the mobile as a joke but this is not a good idea. For example, I once arranged the mobile figures to make it look like Anakin Skywalker was running in a circle from a tribble who wanted to stomp his ass. Unfortunately, babies are very stupid so they can’t understand the joke. Some parents might mistakenly think that their baby is smart enough for sophisticated humor because it laughs when they read The Trouble with Tribbles at bedtime. What these parents don’t realize is that the baby is only laughing because it has to fart and not because it comprehends the story. If you allow your infant any contact with a Star Wars dolly, even in jest, you are risking that your child will grow up to be a Star Wars goon. Always play it safe—only play with Star Trek Action Figures.