Weekday Post #73: Copyright Infringement

I got an email from an I Hate Star Wars Club member in Florida today. He sent me this message and photo of his office at work.

Dear William Shatner’s #1 Fan. This is the first time I’ve written to you although I’ve been reading the blog for months. I loved the picture you made in celebration of your 100th post so I took the honor of spicing it up a little with some cool text and I made it my desktop wallpaper at work. Check it out! Peace out. Jeremiah Gunther in Tallahassee. Proud member of the I Hate Star Wars Club.

This is my reply, which I am posting for the entire world to see:

Hi Jeremiah. Thanks for the note and the photo. Hey, I have a question for you. Have you ever heard of intellectual property? No? How about copyright? Haven’t heard of that either, hmmm? Let me spell it out for you: I made that image from a picture of my hand and a fireball image that I found on the internet and therefore I own all copy and distribution rights to it. By simply downloading it, you have violated the terms of service of the I Hate Star Wars Club. By altering it with that stupid text and publishing it to your desktop you have earned yourself the title of honorary Star Wars goon. See you in court, punk.
William Shatner’s #1 Fan

Let this be a warning to everyone reading this blog. Every word, image, and comment on this blog is copyright 2006 to William Shatner’s #1 Fan! You may not use anything from this site without my express written permission! Consider yourselves warned.

Weekday Post #72: Tasha Yar’s #1 Fan on LOST

Hey there, I Hate Star Wars Club members. Tasha Yar’s #1 Fan pointed out a LOST blaspheme that I had forgotten about. She’s absolutely right about it. I think JJ Abrams owes us an apology, or I shall follow Tasha Yar’s #1 Fan’s advice and reestablish the I Hate Star Wars Club’s boycott of LOST. Tasha Yar’s #1 Fan explains it much better than I could so I’ll allow her to make another guest post.

While I deeply respect William Shatner’s #1 Fan’s opinion, as well as his charm and good looks, I’m afraid I need to disagree with him on LOST. It’s true that J.J. Abrams has agreed to direct Star Trek 11, and that can atone for his “Jedi Moment” propaganda early in Season 1, but nothing can atone for episode 11 of the series where Boone and Locke are looking for the pregnant girl (there’s too many characters to remember everybody’s name, people!), Boone starts talking about the “red shirt phenomenon” on Star Trek. Typically, the so called extras are wearing red shirts, and viewers can rest easy that their favorite captain will not be killed, “so long as a red shirt is around.” I enjoyed the philosophical conversation up to this point, but then Locke uttered something so blasphemous I tremble to repeat it here. He said, “Red shirts die? That doesn’t sound like a very good captain.” How DARE anyone make fun of Captain Kirk? Captain Kirk is the pinnacle of gentle and wise leadership. If Captain Kirk were on the island, The Others would all be begging him for diplomatic (and romantic) relations. That doctor guy just bumbles around talking big. If he didn’t know how to read the prescription label on a few left over bottles on the plane, nobody would even know his name! I propose that we begin anew the LOST boycott until Captain Kirk gets better treatment!

Weekend Post #30: Obese Star Wars Goons

Last night when I was riding the subway, I saw a big fat guy wearing a Star Wars t-shirt with an oversize picture of Darth Maul on it. His hideous man-boobs were distorting Darth Maul’s horns and face into a disgusting sagging fold of belly fat. I knew that the only reason this man wanted to be obese was so he could keep wearing the Darth Maul shirt, which would have hung like a beach towel off a normal sized person.

I knew this man needed my help, but he was so involved with his iPod (which undoubtedly was playing some horrendous John Williams score) that he didn’t even acknowledge me when I tried to get his attention. Realizing that the situation called for drastic measures, I clenched my ass cheeks and pushed out an unnaturally foul bit of flatulence. I wanted to make the man’s shirt stink so much that in the future that he wouldn’t want to wear it anymore and would switch to Star Trek uniforms. Unfortunately, the train already smelled so strongly of various scatological aromas that my powerful fart went largely unnoticed, save by the old lady who hit me with her umbrella and called me a pig.

Sadly, the gargantuan Star Wars goon got off at the next stop before I could even speak to him. If we ever chance to meet again, I swear that I will help him. As a large man myself, I can testify that Federation Star Fleet Attire looks much better on an oversize body than stupid Star Wars T-shirts!

Weekend Post #29: Meet Tasha Yar’s #1 Fan

Hey, I Hate Star Wars Club members. It is my honor to day to introduce this blog’s first guest poster, Tasha Yar’s #1 Fan. Please show her the same respect and admiration that you’ve always showed me.

Hey everybody, I met William Shatner’s #1 Fan while playing the Star Trek RPG after our Cyber Horizon Club's meeting. We hit it off right away and he’s agreed to let me make a post. First of all, I want to express my deep honor to be associated with our clubs founder. Thanks to The De Shatner Code, he was able to identify me as a club member. My deep understanding of the RPG as well as my extensive dice collection eventually gained his trust and I’m honored to call him my friend. Though, he is JUST a friend. Our relationship is strictly plutonic.

Anyway, I don’t want to talk about my life. As WS#1F has said, this blog is about destroying Star Wars, not talking about my problems. I want to talk about Tasha Yar. Though her life was short lived, it was truly extraordinary. Beginning her life on a horrible planet with gangs, constant civil war, and terrorist assaults, she was able to escape that life and eventually became Chief of Security on the Federation flag ship. Unfortunately, her death by the tar monster came much too soon. Fortunately, we were able to see the hottest guest star the show ever had, Tasha’s little sister (I’m not gay like Luke Skywalker; I just think she’s pretty). Later, thanks to Guinan, we find out that through a time travel event Tasha Yar was sent back in time 30 years and served aboard the Enterprise C where she was captured by Romulans and eventually mothered the first Human/Romulan child who later appeared to Picard trying to force a war with the Klingons.

Compare that with Natalie Portman’s character Padme. She… was born into a royal family presumably… Then, she used her royal connections to be elected to the galactic senate… And then she… Made kissy face with some dorky looking loser (not dreamy like Riker, or my future boyfriend WS#1F) and died alone on some miserable planet, and the only person who cared was James Earl Jones doing the worst acting of his career. He sounded like that famous soccer guy.

Evil Emperor: It would seem that you killed her.
James Earl Jones: She’s dead? GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!

Clearly, Tasha Yar is a better babe than Padme. As William Shatner’s #1 Fan would say, never let anyone tell you that Star Trek and Star Wars are the same because they have a good looking girl in it again.

This is Tasha Yar’s #1 Fan. Until next time, viewer off.

Weekday Post #71: Playground Joke for the Kidz pt 5

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Star Wars
Star Wars who?
Star Wars hasn't had half as many movies as Star Trek! That means it's half as good!

Weekday Post #70: 100 Posts - 100 Reasons Why Star Wars Sucks

Hey there, I Hate Star Wars Club members! Today is obviously a special day since it marks the 100th post for the I Hate Star Wars Club Official Blog! I never thought, I’d actually write this many posts, primarily because I thought Star Wars would be destroyed by about my 10th post. Nevertheless, I am pleased with my incredible accomplishment.

Not only is this my 100th post, it is also my first from the computer lab at Borough of Manhattan Community College. Students can use photoshop for free so I took advantage of the opportunity to create a little graphic that I call, “The Power of Shat” (as in Shatner or Shatman).



The fireball is symbolic of the power of the this club and the fist is representative of the last thing Star Wars goons will ever see when I unleash my vengeance upon them.

Incidentally, that is my hand in the photo (you may recognize it from my much beloved profile picture) and yes, SHAT is written in permanent marker. That’s like getting a tattoo! And there’s nothing that I will be prouder to carry on my hand for the rest of my life then the name of my idol, the very man for whom I have humbly written these 100 posts, William Shatner.

Weekday Post #69: A “Capitol” Idea

I recently overheard someone on the subway say that congress is working to create a ban on flag burning. Normally, I don’t care about politics because it is boring and stupid, but this statement gave me a great idea. Congress wants to ban flag burning because it hurts the children of America. Surely then, they should embrace the idea of banning other things that hurt America’s youth… like Star Wars!

Easily impressionable young people whose minds have not fully developed might believe that it’s okay to criticize this country if they see a flag engulfed in flames. Likewise, they might believe that it’s okay to be stupid if they see Star Wars for sale at the store. These are both urgent issues that require our lawmaker’s immediate attention.

The I Hate Star Wars Club officially calls for a constitutional amendment barring the sale or existence of any Star Wars paraphernalia. All Star Wars DVDs, toys, so-called books, VHS tapes, and those stupid laser disc things from the 80s are to be collected by National Guardsmen and Volunteer Militia and Minutemen and burned in a giant bonfire at Skywalker Ranch. Heavy fines will be imposed on anyone who mentions the words “Star Wars” within fifty years after the bonfire so that the memory of those films may fade unimpeded from our society’s collective consciousness. The government shall encourage post-bonfire viewings of Star Trek movies, although they shall not be required because it is imperative that free speech be preserved.

I need every member of the I Hate Star Wars Club and anyone else who is concerned about the lowering IQ in America to sign this blog’s comments section as an online petition. I will send all the signatures to Congress so that anti-Star Wars legislation can begin as quickly as possible. Please don’t write anything but your name because I’m busy reading this book (which as you all know is AWESOME!) so I don’t really have the time or the interest in reading anything beyond that.

Weekday Post #68: The Mark of the Beast = Star Wars

Greetings to the I Hate Star Wars Club members who are brave enough to peak out from under the covers and venture onto the internet on this most evil of days, 06/06/06. Although I am not a particularly religious man, I do know that The Book of Revelations predicted that this day would come when a great wickedness flourished on the Earth. While banished on the Isle of Patmos, John the Revelator was told that no one would be able to “buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name.” He goes on to say that the number is “six hundred threescore and six.” Since people haven’t used the word score for at least 200 years, (I think Abraham Lincoln was the last one ever to utter it) I’ll define it for you. It means June 6, 2006.

The question of the beast’s identity has plagued scholars for centuries. I’m no Biblical expert, but I think John was warning us about Star Wars, nearly 1,900 years before its release. This may sound shocking to some people but I am confident that it is true. John warns us that Beast will be identified by the number six, repeated three times. This is a Da Vinci style code signifying Star Wars. It’s quite simple really; there were six Star Wars films that were released in groups of three. Six and three… plain as day.

John tells us that we will need the mark of the beast to buy and sell. Ignoramuses reading this blog may wonder how that relates to Star Wars, even though the answer is painfully obvious. Star Wars has tried to take over the world’s commodities market and make it impossible to exchange money and goods without their mark. I speak of course of the Star Wars credit cards issued by VISA and MasterCard. We all know it is impossible to buy things without credit cards and the Star Wars militia wants to make sure that you’re carrying a card that bears their mark in your hand or—for some demented reason—on your forehead. (Don’t ask me… John the Revelator is the one who foresaw it.)

Star Wars logos and themes have also appeared on gift cards. What kind of a gift is that? I should hope that no one I know would give the gift of damnation! For John prophesizes that any man [that] receive[s] [the beast’s] mark in his forehead, or in his hand… shall be tormented with fire and brimstone.” In other words, if you carry a method of payment that features the Star Wars logo, you’ll get your ass stomped Shatner-style!

Weekday Post #67: Club Slogan

Hey club members. I’ve received a ton of emails this week asking if there is an official I Hate Star Wars Club slogan. I had never thought about making a club slogan before, but the emails convinced me that we needed one. I knew the slogan had to be memorable and clearly convey the club’s important message. At first, all I could think of was stuff like, “Star Wars SUCKS!! It ruined my life,” and “Star Trek Rules and Star Wars Drools.” Obviously, neither of those slogans achieved the high quality standards that I Hate Star Wars Club Members have come to expect from this blog. Thankfully, a brilliant slogan came to me last night in a dream.

May The Force Be Forgotten! Beam Me Up, Baby!

The slogan makes a clever play (but not a pun) on the incredibly stupid Star Wars saying with a “hip” version of the famous Star Trek saying tacked on for good measure. Try saying it to your Star Wars loving friends at a party tonight. They’ll probably be too dumb to know what you’re talking about right away, but this slogan might be the very thing that triggers their first rational thought and leads them to a fulfilling life of Star Trek fandom.

Weekend Post #28: Luke Skywalker is a Gay, Captain Kirk is Not

Last week I published a post about Slate.com article, Luke Skywalker is a Gay. I didn’t read the article, only it’s headline, which I assumed described what was in it. (I am not in the habit of reading articles that have the word Skywalker in their headline.) However, thanks to the suggestions of many I Hate Star Wars Club members, I actually did read the article and was horrified at what I found there. Luke Skywalker and his frequent gay trysts with Han Solo, Lando Calrissian, Darth Vader, Emperor Palpatine, Chewbacca, C-3PO, Yoda, Uncle Owen, Jawas, Obi Wan Kenobi, and those weird fish-headed aliens was only mentioned briefly in the article. Primarily, the article focused on a fictional and blasphemous love affair between Captain James T. Kirk and Mr. Spock. It even included an extremely disturbing image of the two characters in bed together. I would advise young impressionable children and delicate females to not click this link.

Under the guise of investigating the immensely popular trend of fan fiction, the Star Wars goons at Slate.com graphically described a scenario in which Kirk and Spock become lovers when stranded on a deserted planet. They claim that this scenario is popular among fan fiction writers and that it has spawned an entire genre of gay-themed fan fiction, called Slash. As I prolific writer of Star Trek fan fiction, I can attest that so-called Slash literature is not a popular theme. Fan fiction writers prefer writing about realistic things, like Captain Kirk teaching Anakin Skywalker about respect by backhanding him senseless. If this blog—which is one of the web’s finest repositories of superior-quality Star Trek fan fiction—is any indication, then Star Trek Slash literature does not exist save in the Slate.com author’s demented mind.

The writer mentions that William Shatner, history’s greatest living actor, is offended by the idea of Slash literature because he takes it personally. As well he should! He brought Captain Kirk to life and no Slate writer has the right to degrade that character by a) calling him a gay and b) talking about him in an article with the word ‘Skywalker’ in its title. I take it personally too because I am William Shatner’s #1 Fan. How many hot space babes did Captain Kirk make out with? Probably millions. He even made out with Uhura, the lucky S.O.B. Slate.com obviously needs to start checking its facts. Mr. Sulu is gay. Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock are not.

Slate.com should remember that they are part of the Microsoft web family and Microsoft is the official software choice of the United Federation of Planets and the I Hate Star Wars Club Official Blog. Not that it’s needed, since no one wants to read the boring political blather their site is filled with, but I am calling for an official boycott of Slate.com until they publish a correction and an apology for their libelous defamation of Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock.

Weekend Post #27: The Star Wars Curse pt 4

One Day, Samuel L Jackson wanted to get some acting work. He went to an audition for a role in a shaving cream commercial. He knew that his work in Star Wars might hinder him efforts to secure the part, but he was competent that his shaving expertise, gained only after years of shaving his head, would help overcome the Star Wars abyss on his resume. He arrived at the audition and handed his resume to the director.

“Wow, you’ve been in lots of good movies,” said the director. “However, I’m afraid you’re not qualified to be in this commercial because you appeared in Star Wars. Get out of my office.”

“Come on man, give me a chance,” said Samuel L Jackson.

The director shook his head. “I don’t hire people who were in Star Wars. Just ask Natalie Portman!”

“I can explain the Star Wars thing,” said Samuel L Jackson. “I’ve got a good excuse.”

The director laughed. “This should be good. There is no excuse for starring in Star Wars. But please, enlighten me to what you could possibly have been thinking!”

“All right, here’s the thing,” said Samuel L Jackson. “I was drunk. And I mean DRUNK! I woke up behind a soundstage on the Skywalker Ranch sometime in July 2005 and realized that I had starred in three Star Wars movies. I’ve never even seen the motherf*ck*rs but I hear they’re terrible.”

The director nodded. “You’re right about that. They were terrible. Regardless of how sad your story is, you still starred in Star Wars and—drunk or not—I can’t give you the part in this commercial. I mean, you’re the guy who said, ‘It’s over, Dooku’ in Star Wars II.”

“Sh*t! I said that? I have no memory of that sh*t. Besides, I’m also the guy who said, ‘Royal with Cheese’ in Pulp Fiction. Don’t forget that!”

The director chuckled as he remembered the scene. “That’s true. That was a good line. But I’m sorry, Sam, I just can’t do it. People would talk.”

“I used the same soap you did and my towel doesn’t look like a maxi pad!”

The director shook his head and smiled. “Nice try, Sam. It’s not going to work.”

“And you will know my name is the Lord, when I lay my vengeance upon you.”

“All right. You got me. The part is yours.” The director shook Samuel L Jackson’s hand. “Just don’t ever mention Star Wars around me again.”

“Star what?” said Samuel L Jackson with a grin. “Never heard of it!”

Samuel L Jackson walked out of the audition with a smile on his face. As he turned the corner, he noticed Natalie Portman sitting on the sidewalk begging for change. She held a cardboard sign with a single line written in magic marker that read, “Unemployed Actress.”

Samuel L Jackson paused by her feet and said, “How’d you like a Lincoln?”

Natalie Portman’s eyes glowed with gratitude as she said, “Oh, yes please! I haven’t been able to find acting work in so long! I’d love five dollars!”

“Psych!” yelled Samuel L Jackson, “More like one cent!” He tossed a penny in Natalie’s tin cup and with a mighty laugh said, “Too bad you didn’t star in Pulp Fiction. Maybe you could have broken the Star Wars Curse too!”

Weekday Post #66: You Could Have the Honor of Working with Me

I have to get a new job soon. No job is worth an hour-long commute on the subway. Not to mention that my manager isn’t working with me at all on my school schedule and I start classes in a week. It doesn’t help things that my stupid apartment is halfway across the city from anywhere I need to go. I asked all of my coworkers except the gay if I could move in with them and they all said they didn’t want a roommate right now. I even offered to pay 75% of the rent and they still all said no. Star Wars goons each and every one of them.

Telemarketing is the only job I’ve ever known. I’ve always made a decent living at it (even after the Star Wars goons in the government passed that business-infringing Do Not Call List) and by using the DaShatner Code, I’ve gotten to speak to a lot of club members. Unfortunately, I think it is time to say goodbye to that profession. I need a job that’s closer to where I live and that offers flexible hours so that I can go to school.

I have Saturday off so I am going to spend the day looking for a new job. I know that there are thousands of I Hate Star Wars Club members in this city and surely one of you would relish the opportunity to hire me so that you could have the honor of working with your club president. My skills include calling people on the phone and reducing Star Wars goons to tears. If you would like to give me a job, please email me as soon as possible. Please keep in mind that even though the job I do for you will never be more than a third priority for me (first is maintaining this blog and destroying Star Wars and second is school), by hiring me you will be assisting in our shared goal of decimating Star Wars.

Weekday Post #65: I Reply to Your Email

In the past two days, I have received a ton of email from people that focus primarily on two subjects.

First, is my post about the obviously fake Picard Blog. Several people accused me of flaming it or trying to start what they call a “flame war.” Forgive me for not being hip to your 14-year-old myspace.com lingo, but I have no idea what flaming is and I frankly don’t care. I have better things to worry about, like destroying Star Wars through an onslaught of vicious blog posts. To answer the concerns of the emailers, I will just say this: Whether the author is a Star Wars goon or not—and I maintain there is ample evidence to prove that he is—he is merely pretending to be Captain Picard. I however, choose not to hide behind a mask of fanciful make-believe. I call myself William Shatner’s #1 Fan because that is who I am! The difference between this so-called Picard and I is as simple as the difference between lies and truth.

Second, is my ongoing series of Playground Jokes for the Kidz. I have received dozens, if not hundreds of emails from I Hate Star Wars Club members and Star Wars goons alike advising me (with various levels of tact) to get a better spellchecker because the proper spelling of the plural form of kid is K-I-D-S. I can’t believe that I actually have to explain myself here but apparently my readers are so accustomed to this blog’s unsullied reputation for perfect spelling that even the slightest misappropriation of letters sends them into hysterics. To answer your many questions: Yes, I know the word is spelled wrong. I intentionally spelled it wrong so that children could see that I am hip to their unique vernacular (even though I believe that it’s corrupting the English language). Believe me, I cringe every time I type in kidz with a ‘z,’ but it is a sacrifice required to prove that I am an authority figure the “kidz” can trust because I alone truly understand them.

I am dedicated to destroying Star Wars, whether that means calling out fake blogs that pretend to promote Star Trek while really advancing the Star Wars agenda or lowering myself to talk with children in overly simplistic terms that their feeble “minds” can understand. Send me angry emails all you like. It won’t hinder my life’s work; this club has too much momentum and too much drive to succeed. It is unstoppable.